Trying to make up excuses for the abusers

I do that a lot. Trying to find a reasonable excuse for every single thing that's happened. I thought if I can find a justifiable reason for everything, then it will make what happened better. But it doesn't, having a reason doesn't make things any less painful, or more acceptable.

But still I find myself defending my abusers. I find reasons for them why they behaved the way they did, and when I can't find a reason I blame myself.

Abusers are just people being assholes. That’s really the only explanation you need - if there’s no logical reason for them acting how they did, it’s still not your fault.

Abusers are full of anger and frustration, and take it out on others, instead of getting help for their issues.

I agree with Marie123. (Some) hurt people hurt people it's not an excuse. I find it easier to accept it is just the way it is... don't have to like it, or accept it into my life, but there are reasons for it, and most suitable responses to it

It sounds like you get trauma bonded to abusive individuals. Do a search about trauma bonding so you can read about it to understand why you may be doing this.

There also may be some YouTube talks about it.

Making excuses for others can very much end up hurting you without your realizing it. You probably want to be a good person. Yet you deserve to have boundaries and take steps to not engage in trauma bonding patterns.

Hello there.

Never make excuses for being the victim of sickos, it may be a little tricky to want to admit that, TBH we all have parallel personal abuse stories, that's why we should share our experiences and group together as a supportive network against these hidden abuses.


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Defending an abuser excuses and justifies their poor treatment of you. It's harder to face the reality that one is being abused, which is a painful reality to admit to oneself. Like someone said above, abusers are like assholes. And in the end, their behavior is not excusable, it is not justifiable, it is not acceptable in any shape or form, and it is not your fault.

Perhaps you have a lot of compassion and understanding, or you want to think that somehow you caused it. But no one causes an abuser to abuse. It's a deliberate choice on their part.

The bottom line is these people should be called out on their abuse and on their bad behaviors.

My husband is extremely abusive. He grew up with an abusive father, and he mirrors his father's bad behaviors. Now, if I sat here and accepted this treatment toward me by saying, oh well he was abused, so it's understandable and he just needs help, well that would be really self destructive and masochistic if I began to think this way. I am presently divorcing him.

We can be compassionate and understanding of their plight, but also not allow the abuse to occur by walking away from an abuser.