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HD7970GHZ
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Default Dec 20, 2020 at 02:16 AM
  #1
Hello everyone,


I know there are some threads on the forums already about Cyber-bullying / Cyber-stalking - but I wanted to ask everyone if they have heard about a term called, "Abuse By Proxy."

I have personally experienced, "Abuse By Proxy," for over a year. It is very intense and scary, and now that I have found a word for it - it has allowed me to process and better understand the underlying abuse dynamics involved.


Here is a good website that explains what it means:

Abuse By Proxy | HealthyPlace

- Excerpt below is taken from the article above

Quote:

When the abuser can't directly inflict abuse upon his victim, he may find accomplices to do his dirty work. Learn more.


If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbors, the media, teachers - in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

One form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.

Abusers often use other people to do their dirty work for them. These - sometimes unwitting - accomplices belong to three groups:

I. The abuser's social milieu

Some offenders - mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies - co-opt other family members, friends, and colleagues into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct. In extreme cases, the victim is held "hostage" - isolated and with little or no access to funds or transportation. Often, the couple's children are used as bargaining chips or leverage. Ambient abuse by the abuser's clan, kin, kith, and village or neighborhood is rampant.

II. The victim's social milieu

Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters.

In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.
Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties - it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.

III. The System

The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children.

Forms of Abuse by Proxy


Socially isolating and excluding the victim by discrediting her through a campaign of malicious rumors.

Harassing the victim by using others to stalk her or by charging her with offenses she did not commit.

Provoking the victim into aggressive or even antisocial conduct by having others threaten her or her loved ones.

Colluding with others to render the victim dependent on the abuser.

But, by far, her children are the abuser's greatest source of leverage over his abused spouse or mate.
You are not alone my fellow scapegoated friends.

Thanks,

HD7970ghz

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Default Dec 25, 2020 at 10:07 AM
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Default Dec 27, 2020 at 04:26 AM
  #3
I can definitely relate to some of this.
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Default Dec 27, 2020 at 05:40 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ View Post
Hello everyone,

Here is a good website that explains what it means:

HD7970ghz
The quote you've put up profoundly expresses a lot of inexpressible events. I did not know that most of what I've survived could be characterized by one thing, abuse by proxy. I would have said it was a dozen different things all at once. This sentence was me as I was hauled off to jail after 8 hours of the most intense emotional and physical abuse of my life, whereby the jail administrators concluded I was the only legitimate case of a nervous breakdown that they had seen in 20 years: "In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical."

This ruined me and I retreated inwards, nearly nonresponsive for 4 years. During that time, my children grew up. I wasn't there. I sat unaware of time and place while they grew up without me. I failed them miserably. When I finally was cognizant of my surroundings, I was instantly taken down with severe depression, generalized and social anxiety disorders and PTSD. I battle this for another 3 years, all the while being isolated and despised by all who knew me: my children, my mother, and everyone else.

Those children are grown now. Out of 5 children, my 4 adult children were all severely damaged by the intensity of abuse, from my husband, in that house. I have two daughters that are drug addicts, living on the streets. One was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and the other was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I have two adult sons. One seems narcissistic like his father - so mean and so sensitive all at once. The other just told me yesterday that he was evaluated to have Machiavellianism. My youngest seems fine and I have left my husband.

Everything I read on the OP's quote was all the usual ways life happened. In this quote, "The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor", I was trained to believe I was the problem and it was reinforced even by my parents and everyone I knew (along with one councilor in particular, that I can remember). And this quote: "The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem" is the reason I eventually went to jail. Because up to that point, I was still pleading with him to be the guy everyone thought he was. I should have left before I became mentally vacant. I should have left before he turned onto my children while I sat like a rag doll in my room, oblivious. Why didn't I leave and why can't I remember 25 years of marriage. I can read the OP's post and remember fragments but that's it. All I really know is I failed my children.

"he abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children." --- Yes. Oh my god.

This one is still happening: "Socially isolating and excluding the victim by discrediting her through a campaign of malicious rumors." though it isn't happening in quite the same way as it used to. I am no longer isolated. Instead, he tells my children how bad I am, what thing he sees I've done wrong, and how he feels about it. I am in the middle of a divorce and a year ago my son's were very supportive of my leaving and were kind towards me. I don't talk to them what is going on with their father and I. I don't think talking about people is healthy, especially talking negative about your child's other parent but my husband does talk and the more he talks, the worse my son's treat me. At this point, they are just as mean and nasty as their father.

He talks bad about me to my 14 year old daughter too. She blurts it out sometimes when she is mad at him. I have to make her go to his house for visitation and it takes 2 days for her to calm down when she gets home.

"... charging her with offenses she did not commit." yes
"Colluding with others to render the victim dependent on the abuser." yes
"But, by far, her children are the abuser's greatest source of leverage over his abused spouse or mate." yes

God, I can't imagine how long and nonsensical this post is going to be. Sorry.
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Default Dec 28, 2020 at 06:56 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by AzureRain View Post
The quote you've put up profoundly expresses a lot of inexpressible events. I did not know that most of what I've survived could be characterized by one thing, abuse by proxy. I would have said it was a dozen different things all at once. This sentence was me as I was hauled off to jail after 8 hours of the most intense emotional and physical abuse of my life, whereby the jail administrators concluded I was the only legitimate case of a nervous breakdown that they had seen in 20 years: "In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical."

This ruined me and I retreated inwards, nearly nonresponsive for 4 years. During that time, my children grew up. I wasn't there. I sat unaware of time and place while they grew up without me. I failed them miserably. When I finally was cognizant of my surroundings, I was instantly taken down with severe depression, generalized and social anxiety disorders and PTSD. I battle this for another 3 years, all the while being isolated and despised by all who knew me: my children, my mother, and everyone else.

Those children are grown now. Out of 5 children, my 4 adult children were all severely damaged by the intensity of abuse, from my husband, in that house. I have two daughters that are drug addicts, living on the streets. One was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and the other was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I have two adult sons. One seems narcissistic like his father - so mean and so sensitive all at once. The other just told me yesterday that he was evaluated to have Machiavellianism. My youngest seems fine and I have left my husband.

Everything I read on the OP's quote was all the usual ways life happened. In this quote, "The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor", I was trained to believe I was the problem and it was reinforced even by my parents and everyone I knew (along with one councilor in particular, that I can remember). And this quote: "The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem" is the reason I eventually went to jail. Because up to that point, I was still pleading with him to be the guy everyone thought he was. I should have left before I became mentally vacant. I should have left before he turned onto my children while I sat like a rag doll in my room, oblivious. Why didn't I leave and why can't I remember 25 years of marriage. I can read the OP's post and remember fragments but that's it. All I really know is I failed my children.

"he abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children." --- Yes. Oh my god.

This one is still happening: "Socially isolating and excluding the victim by discrediting her through a campaign of malicious rumors." though it isn't happening in quite the same way as it used to. I am no longer isolated. Instead, he tells my children how bad I am, what thing he sees I've done wrong, and how he feels about it. I am in the middle of a divorce and a year ago my son's were very supportive of my leaving and were kind towards me. I don't talk to them what is going on with their father and I. I don't think talking about people is healthy, especially talking negative about your child's other parent but my husband does talk and the more he talks, the worse my son's treat me. At this point, they are just as mean and nasty as their father.

He talks bad about me to my 14 year old daughter too. She blurts it out sometimes when she is mad at him. I have to make her go to his house for visitation and it takes 2 days for her to calm down when she gets home.

"... charging her with offenses she did not commit." yes
"Colluding with others to render the victim dependent on the abuser." yes
"But, by far, her children are the abuser's greatest source of leverage over his abused spouse or mate." yes

God, I can't imagine how long and nonsensical this post is going to be. Sorry.
AzureRain,


My heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for sharing your insights and story... I plan to respond in time.

Thank you,


HD7970ghz

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"roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles"
"the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy"
"don't put all your eggs - in one basket"
"promote pleasure - prevent pain"
"with change - comes loss"
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Default Dec 28, 2020 at 09:10 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLady View Post
I can definitely relate to some of this.

MsLady,


Thank you for sharing - I am sorry that you relate to this. Does your experience continue to happen? Unfortunately, I think that a lot of people will relate to Abuse By Proxy, like you and others do, especially as more and more research comes out on the matter...


In fact, another PhD Researcher, named Sam Vaknin, seems to be absolutely spot on when it comes to these themes. Here are four YouTube links to videos I recommend for anyone wanting to better understand the systemic flaws in the legal system as per, "Abuse By Proxy."


Abuse By Proxy: From Smear Campaigns to 3rd-party Stalking and Abuse - YouTube

https://youtu.be/VRk2VxaPjto?list=PL1Zh-A6Cdnvo_ZEWq5YmI1vwtV2A-MFhs

https://youtu.be/8vLj9obX_XQ?list=PL1Zh-A6Cdnvo_ZEWq5YmI1vwtV2A-MFhs


System Re-victimizes, Pathologizes Victim, Sides with Offender, Abuser - YouTube


Thanks,
HD7970ghz

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"the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy"
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"promote pleasure - prevent pain"
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Default Jan 03, 2021 at 12:31 PM
  #7
THX for sharing the videos.

Last edited by bluekoi; Jan 03, 2021 at 01:30 PM.. Reason: To bring within community guidelines.
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Default Feb 01, 2021 at 10:10 AM
  #8
This is exactly how I have been abused by every peer during my childhood. My abuse because popularized, the "thing to do" if one wanted social status. My primary bullies did the first three forms you listed, and everyone else followed along like robots.

Thank you for this. This will help me explain to others what I've been going through.
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Default Feb 13, 2021 at 05:09 PM
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Originally Posted by UnpopularTiger View Post
This is exactly how I have been abused by every peer during my childhood. My abuse because popularized, the "thing to do" if one wanted social status. My primary bullies did the first three forms you listed, and everyone else followed along like robots.

Thank you for this. This will help me explain to others what I've been going through.
Great THX for being brave we need more accounts like this upon these forums.
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