Not sure if I should be here...? LONG post :(

I think I am in an abusive relationship with my sister.

LONG story short - my sister is 40, I am 33. We are half sisters - same mom, different dads.

When I was born, my mom sent my sister to live with our grandparents - She didn't think they would do the same to my sister (stupid, I know)

Anyways, I grew up with my mom and dad - but in a very volatile and stressful household with alcoholism, drug addiction and sometimes physical violence directed at my mother. I was aware of and there for all of this.

My life has always been "easy" compared to my sisters. We both suffer from anxiety, she has OCD, and I have major depression. We both have PTSD. I didn't know I grew up in a neglectful household until a lengthy hospital stay a few years ago.

My sister has no relationship with my parents. I am the only link between her and the rest of our family. I still see my parents. This has been an issue between us, but we went to counseling together and I still see my parents a little bit.

This past year I have been starting to feel smothered by her - and I NEVER stand up to her. Any time I do, it ends up in a huge blow up on her end. Whether that is to do with holidays, just something wrong I said, etc. I would absolutely lose it and I would freeze. Block her on everything, just shake, rock, and dissociate until the next day or two when she'd come crawling back for forgiveness.

I've been living my life in fear of upsetting my sister. I've been letting her control my days by monopolizing my time on facetime EVERY SINGLE MORNING (which would be fine in maybe 20 minute talks) but not 2+ hours. Then when we hang up, I'm still checking in - sending money, responding to every single word - to the point that my husband and I are arguing about money and how much time I spend with her even if she's not "physically" here. Not even arguing - because I know I'm wrong in how much money I've sent her without telling my husband. But I'm scared of my sisters reaction if I don't send it. She's always in some sort of "crisis" or emergency.

I've been feeling SO smothered and like I can hardly breathe - She talks about moving to our city, where (her plans) we're starting our own dog walking business, jewelry business, meeting daily for coffee, etc etc. When I said "maybe there are other things I'd like to do" she scoffed and said "like what? painting?" (she knows I love to paint and this hurt me)

I can't get in to the last year without this being a mile long to read, so I'm just going to write about the latest "blow up"

She was staying at our place while my husband and I were visiting our parents for Christmas. When we came home, she was in a bad mood, not talking to either of us. Suddenly she closes her door and starts packing her things. When she storms out of her room, she's muttering to herself and I said "where are you going?" she said "none of your ****ing business" I said that wasn't my job, she says it is. (I have had countless conversations with my mother about this) I've also been told my counselors that I am NOT to be in the middle of this. My sister says I need to pick sides. I remind her we went to counseling for this and she says the counselor told us I need to "pick sides" I said that is not what she told us. She goes to the top of the stairs and sits down to put her shoes on and at some point throws the mail holder down the stairs at me and hits me slightly in the shoulder. She starts screaming in to the upstairs neighbors door that she was molested and that our mom tried to drown her, over and over and over. The neighbor comes out and asks if we can stop. She has now moved in to the garage yelling at me that we are ALL disgusting for supporting pedophiles and attempted murderers. She accuses me of laughing at her. I go inside at some point and she starts screaming that she needs her cigarettes. I go and give them to her. I try to say "can we try and talk about this?" etc but she is now outside waiting for her uber.She screams to the neighborhood and to David that I'm a "gold digger" and a "cheater" and that I'm only with David for a roof over my head. (I did cheat on my husband one time which I admitted to him right away and we went to counseling for it, and I still feel like **** to this day about it, she knows this would hurt me) She says she wishes I was dead, hopes I die of COVIDand I said "ok, with that I will not respond to a phone call, email, text message or facebook message" and she ignores me and leaves.

We talk on text where she says I am nothing to her. We talk on messenger where I shouldn't have gone up to be with her abusers. I tell her she's right and I should have done something about that - (why AM I seeing them?????) she proceeds to tell me I'm pathetic, a ****, a dumb ***** (after stealing $50 off my card to top up her phone) She says I deserve to be pushed down a staircase (cuz mom did that to her) That she is going to destroy my life. She proceeds to email the cat rescue I volunteer at to tell them I should be fired for stealing, etc. She then emails my MOTHER IN LAWScontact list about how terrible she is, then emails HER WORK where she is an emerg nurse, telling them she supports pedophilia because she invited my parents over for dinner.

I let it out and tell her she's been smothering me all summer TELLING me what my life will look like. I tell her I'm dissociating and feel I can't talk now. She alsosays I was never abused and don't "deserve" therapy. I tell her I know I was NEVER abused the way she was and would never compare. She sends me screenshots of her talking to her friends about how I physically "PUSHED" her out and that we were "rude" and that she didn't even "have a chance" She then admits to using me all summer for my money I received for being in school, ( I lent her almost $4000 of $6000 total) and that I'm a "dummy" and "too stupid" She admits she manipulated me because she needed the money for her sick dog. She says she "literally hates" me, and wants to see both of my dogs dead. I tell her she's abusing and bullying me.

She is blocked on everything and I don't know when or if I'll ever be able to unblock her. But she has some of her things here. Luckily we have a common acquaintance she could reach in order to get her things from here. I'm sick of it and done. At this point I'm not interested in a relationship with her again after YEARS of this, let alone this happening just the other day.

But I am still crying because I feel I am grieving the loss of my sister.....

Today is a new day and I'm still living in fear. I know by the time she wakes up today there will be multiple attempts to email me, call me, or leave me messages.

If I forgive this, it is my fault because I shouldn't have seen her abusers for Christmas. She IS right about that, right? But my therapist said no, I still didn't deserve this. If and when I do talk to her again, I'm terrified to tell her I'm done and I at least want a MAJOR break before we work on a relationship again. I know this is going to make her blow up further.

Anytime something like this happens, it's never her fault because she was just having "PTSD symptoms" and so it should all be forgotten.

In her emails and messages to me now, she is still calling me a dumb *****, etc, etc, etc. I understand she has PTSD, but is this an excuse for this behavior?

Dear BlueCheesePlease,

Oh, that whole situation sounds just awful. Just awful. If I was a training counselor, I would definitely offer you some things to try but sadly I am neither a physician or medical professional of any kind. Is there some kind of professional counselor you could contact who might be able to help you with this distressing, stressful and draining situation? You deserve do much better from life than what you are getting! Hopefully others here in a somewhat similar situation will see your post and will have something really helpful to say. I am so very sorry you are in this situation and also sorry that I do not know how to be helpful to you. You deserve a break!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Hi BlueCheesePlease!

I was holding my breath reading your post, it does sound so suffocating and awful. I was relieved when I got to the part where you said you had cut off contact with your sister. I really feel that this might help you focus on yourself, as it sounds like your sister has made it about her most of the time. Understandable given her past, but everyone has a past and it is no excuse to treat other people badly. No matter what happened. Even though that cliche saying ‘hurt people hurt people’ does have some truth to it, you do not have to put up with it ever.

I think grieving for your sister is very natural, as of course you love her. You tried to help her so much by the sounds of it, but she was hurting you too much for it to carry on that way. It is not your fault what happened, and when abusers are in the family pretending to be like normal people it is difficult to avoid them without some kind of confrontation.

It’s valuable to be able to see the situation and step back from it like you have done, and to discuss it with people. I don’t think your sister sounds like she is seeing the world very clearly right now, which is why she has said all those hurtful things. Please make sure you can take care of yourself now, you are important and deserve to be cared for.

This is verbal abuse. She CHOOSES that behavior. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. You don't have to tell her you are "done"--you can simply ignore her. Abusers never take responsibility for their behavior, but blame others. Having a relationship with an abuser is like drinking poison...and you wouldn't do that.