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needalittlehelp
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Trig Dec 30, 2020 at 07:35 AM
  #1
So I am new here but looking for a little support. I suffered from sexual assault between the ages of 8 and 12 by a close family member, who also got other family members involved. I was never raped but I was violated and more than once. Infact every time this person came round to my mothers house something would happen. They stopped visiting as much as I got a little older, so it stopped happening. I do not know if it would have continued or not. But at 13 I spoke out. Which I still regret doing to this day.

I told school. Who obviously informed my mother. It caused a huge argument in the family. And instead of support I felt guilty. Family friendships were severed and it was my fault for speaking out. I do not believe that my family even believe me that it happened. Not even to this day. My sister came to me when I was in my late 20s and asked me if what I said actually happened. I was so hurt that she even had to ask, especially as she also experienced childhood abuse (not by the same people),

I never received any support for it. Never offered couselling I am pretty certain I was not believed by anyone. It caused my behaviour in my teens to plummet. I ended up excluded from school at 15, then pregnant by a much older man. Finally ending up in an abusive relationship for 11yrs. At no time have I ever dealt with what has happened to me. At family gatherings this person is always there. I am expected to remain civil and be polite. My sister goes to see him often buying him and his kids presents etc. So does my mother, enjoy socialising with them all.

I was fine. I had buried this and I was coping. If my family didnt believe me and if they all wanted to be friends like nothing ever happened. Then I was fine with that, I just did not have to be involved. I live 200 miles from any family, I only have to see people on my terms when I want to. Yes its lonely, yes sometimes I feel a little isolated. But I have my children and in most parts I am happy. However is it weird that sometimes I feel insanely sad that I cannot go to these family get togethers and I cannot be involved. My children will never know all their family, because I refuse to socialise with them. Yes it pains me a lot, when my sisters kids tell my kids stories of their aunties and uncles that give them tons of presents and treat them special. My kids will never have that. Anyway I was coping with all of that and I was ok.

But recently I watched a video on childhood trauma and secondary abuse. I believe I have suffered secondary abuse with the way I was forced to sweep it under the carpet and pretend like it never happened. Now every night I lay in bed trying to sleep, I keep getting flashbacks.

Its horrible and really disturbing me. I do not suffer depression, or anything. However I do get panic attacks in social situations. But these flashbacks take me right back to the abuse and I am not sure how to handle them. They are making me remember very vividly what happened. Stuff I had locked away. With covid finding a therapist is impossible. I cannot afford the prices they charge for private therapy I would have to go through the NHS.

I am currently dating someone. I am unsure whether I should tell him what happened. Or whether that puts too much pressure on him. Part of me feels he needs to know in case I ever get triggered when I am with him, but the other part says why bring this into my relationship. I coped fine before. I do not want him feeling pity for me or seeing me as damaged or broken.

How do other people cope? I know I am not the only one that has had to deal with this sort of thing.

Last edited by bluekoi; Dec 30, 2020 at 11:48 AM.. Reason: Add trigger icon.
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Default Dec 30, 2020 at 06:51 PM
  #2
I am sorry this happened to you when you were so young and then you had to endure having no help and validation so you could heal. It was not wrong for you to talk about it either so please don't feel that it was. What was wrong is that people that were supposed to love and protect you failed to respond to such a very important genuine threat.

One thing I have learned in my life is that there are people who will choose to deni truth and will let you down. HOWEVER @needalittlehelp, these are NOT people worth associating with. And the person who did this KNOWS what he/she did, and nothing can release him/her from that truth.

When you experience these flashbacks, you can reduce their intensity by acknowling "yes that did happen but it's not now, I am safe now". This distancing you chose is NOT your fault either, it's THEIR FAULT so NEVER guilt trip yourself. A child that age has no understanding of how to protect themselves or why things happen. This is why they tend to get targeted.

If your sister did ask you if what she heard did happen, try not to get upset with her as she is actually showing you repect for the truth by asking you. Sadly, there are often times when a victim is not believed in that the person who was abusive is often charming and likeable and even charismatic.
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Default Dec 30, 2020 at 10:23 PM
  #3
You do indeed need a little help. I agree with you that you have also suffered a devastating secondary trauma... that of losing the safety and trust in your family members. Not to mention the trauma of the ongoing loss of your family. They betrayed you and let you down when you needed them the very most.
Can you see a therapist? Trauma is embedded in our brains, and is very hard (but not impossible) to overcome on your own. Do you know about the ACEs (adverse childhood experiences). The effects of trauma are very, very real. Get some help from a professional if you can.
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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 07:54 PM
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Default Feb 08, 2021 at 03:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
You do indeed need a little help. I agree with you that you have also suffered a devastating secondary trauma... that of losing the safety and trust in your family members. Not to mention the trauma of the ongoing loss of your family. They betrayed you and let you down when you needed them the very most.
Can you see a therapist? Trauma is embedded in our brains, and is very hard (but not impossible) to overcome on your own. Do you know about the ACEs (adverse childhood experiences). The effects of trauma are very, very real. Get some help from a professional if you can.
I agree with Amjay that therapy would help. I was abused by my sister growing up and get flashbacks and nightmares and therapy has made them more manageable. I understand that they are expensive and Covid makes it harder, but getting a good therapist is important in managing the recovery from childhood abuse.
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