Coping with the trauma from an abusive relationship

I never wanted a relationship throughout my teenage years but when I turned 17 I felt this immense peer pressure to get a partner and lose my virginity and that's what I did. However, I never wanted to do any of it. The time I lost my virginity was when I lost myself. I never loved him, I didn't want him to touch me and I was sure my body language gave it away as I didn't have the voice to say anything at the time. All I was thinking was this is what people do in relationships, I have to do this and obey his commands. When my virginity was taken, I was incredibly embarrassed and lied to my friends and family because I never wanted it to happen. During the time, I didn't say no but I most definitely didn't say yes. During the sex I felt empty and disconnected.

One night, I was drifting to sleep. Sort of in that stage between being awake and being in deep sleep. I most definitely wasn't aware of my surroundings. He woke up and without warning had proceeded to engage in **** sex. I had never done it before, I never wanted to. As I was laid on my front and he was behind, I just laid there emotionless, empty, not making a noise and allowed him to abuse me. But again, I thought this was normal in a relationship. This is what people do, right?

I think apart of my was afraid of him. He manipulated me all the time. Even when I gathered the courage to end the relationship, he proceeded to declare that he was going to kill himself and made me stay with him for longer even though I felt disgusting and repulsive around him. I managed to break it off and for the six months I pushed my thoughts and emotions inside.

I have recently finished therapy for my depression and anxiety for different issues I have had in my life during my upbringing. I didn't mention his name once. I buried it so deep because I was ashamed of myself and I didn't want people to tell me that I should have said no, and that I should have done this and that. It was only when I met my current partner and made friends at my university when I turned 18 that I confided in them and they gave me the support I needed.

However, I still sometimes relive the experience. I am always triggered when I am having sex with my current boyfriend and I am laid face down with him behind. When I am triggered I feel dissociative. I don't feel like I am in my own body at all, like I am an outsider looking down at what I went through back when I was 17. I can feel his heavy breath on my neck and his hands forcing me down. I don't know if this is some kind of PTSD experience. I almost have a flashback of the time he abused me. The problem is I never speak up to my partner but he knows my body language and he knows me well enough when to stop and ask if I am okay, something my ex never did.

I just don't know what to do. I haven't really spoken about how I feel in this much depth before and I don't know what I am aiming to achieve. I just want my voice to be out there and to make it loud. Any advice on how I can cope with my experience and my trauma would be so greatly appreciated.