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Old 06-05-2021, 09:07 AM   #1
Anamnesis
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Default Trying to heal from abusive relationship

Hi everyone. This is a copy of my post I shared on the introductions forum.

I'm somewhat recently out of a relationship where I was the recipient of domestic violence. My ex parnter had CPTSD from being physically, verbally, and emotionally abused by her father and emotionally and at times physically neglected by her mother. I'm arranging to see a new counselor soon is is trauma-informed and works with domestic violence, hopefully this will be more helpful than my previous therapist.

Its a difficult story to retell, but I feel like I have to revisit some of the things I went through in order to try to move on and heal. It's very confusing for me since I still feel love and attachment towards her despite how awful things were. I would like to say more, but at this moment its difficult to find the words. I'm not sure if I have CPTSD as well at this point or not. I did have some of my own ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) growing up, as my father had a neurodegenerative illness and depression, and since my mom was very busy taking care of him and working I was emotionally neglected. He died when I was a young teenager. I believe if it weren't for attachment problems from my childhood, not receiving the love I needed, I wouldn't have gotten into or stayed in an abusive relationship to begin with. We ended up together for several years, going through cycles, trying to work things out, but never did. I still feel quite unresolved.

I am struggling with patterns like depression, anxiety attacks, bipolar-type mood cycling, and ADHD. I haven't gotten "official" diagnoses for any of these but the ADHD. I think I've had each of these to some extent or another before my relationship, but they might be worse now.

I hope by talking with others in this, I can find support and resources to help with my healing process.
Thank you all.
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Old 06-06-2021, 12:45 AM   #2
MrsA
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Default Re: Trying to heal from abusive relationship

I'm sorry you went though that. I can sort of relate because I stayed with a violent and abusive older sibling (I just wrote a long post about that) and how you might put up with it a long time because you think the behavior is not the person. For years, I was worried that people would see my sister's actions and think she was a bad person. By the time I realized that what she did really meant she was a bad person, I had gotten it to serious trouble by keeping her in my life. So I'm glad you did get out even though I feel bad for your girlfriend.

My sister and I both endured abuse as kids. I got the worst of it because my sister joined my stepfather in attacking me so the parents favored her. Even so, being abused is not an excuse for abusing other people. I have a sort of cold logic in dealing with my own past and not everyone can handle it the same way. I hope you can find a way to fully understand your situation so that you can avoid it in the future.

When the wrong people try to have relationships with me, a warning sign is that I find myself making excuses for things they said or did, telling myself they are not bad people and that I should give them a chance. Every time, it proved a mistake. You might be drawn to a specific type or be willing to put up with certain comments or actions. So it might be useful to think of what warning signs you had when you got into your last relationship.

I hope you find the support you need to move on to better relationships.
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Old 09-07-2021, 07:06 PM   #3
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Default Re: Trying to heal from abusive relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anamnesis View Post
Hi everyone. This is a copy of my post I shared on the introductions forum.

I'm somewhat recently out of a relationship where I was the recipient of domestic violence. My ex parnter had CPTSD from being physically, verbally, and emotionally abused by her father and emotionally and at times physically neglected by her mother. I'm arranging to see a new counselor soon is is trauma-informed and works with domestic violence, hopefully this will be more helpful than my previous therapist.

Its a difficult story to retell, but I feel like I have to revisit some of the things I went through in order to try to move on and heal. It's very confusing for me since I still feel love and attachment towards her despite how awful things were. I would like to say more, but at this moment its difficult to find the words. I'm not sure if I have CPTSD as well at this point or not. I did have some of my own ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) growing up, as my father had a neurodegenerative illness and depression, and since my mom was very busy taking care of him and working I was emotionally neglected. He died when I was a young teenager. I believe if it weren't for attachment problems from my childhood, not receiving the love I needed, I wouldn't have gotten into or stayed in an abusive relationship to begin with. We ended up together for several years, going through cycles, trying to work things out, but never did. I still feel quite unresolved.

I am struggling with patterns like depression, anxiety attacks, bipolar-type mood cycling, and ADHD. I haven't gotten "official" diagnoses for any of these but the ADHD. I think I've had each of these to some extent or another before my relationship, but they might be worse now.

I hope by talking with others in this, I can find support and resources to help with my healing process.
Thank you all.
Lisa A Romano has good self help video for you that has tools to help you heal.
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