A history of how someone went from bad tempered to 24/7 toxic meltdowns

A lot of people don't understand why I stayed with my toxic sister so long that she was able to completely ruin me financially. I was just thinking today of how she started out as an almost normal person. She was always a bully and did selfish things like snatching food from me, but I thought kids grew out of bullying their younger siblings. I have a cousin the same age as my sister who used to beat up his younger brother. But he grew into a really nice adult while my sister's bad behaviors escalated with age.

When I as 14, our mom died and we went through a long period of poverty where we had to share everything. My sister controlled all the money because she was oldest and yelled at me whenever she got anxious about money. Sometimes she got violent over something that cost a few dollars. But back then, we had really good times between her temper blowups, so I was really attached to my sister as my only family.

In our 20s, her temper tantrums became more neurotic: screaming profanity for weeks at a time, flinging things at me, and having road rage when she thought other drivers disrespected her. At the grocery store, she was constantly moving from one checkout line to another to try to get into the fastest lane. Then she would get angry when the line she had just left started moving. By this time, she had persuaded me to go into partnership with her, turning my hobby into a successful business and we had bought a house together in order to have space for our home business. Things got better for a while because we were better off financially and money was the big trigger for my sister's rages.

Then in her 30s, my sister became 24/7 toxic. She was in a constant meltdown, angry that we didn't have more money, angry when she had to work to earn money, and angry that I tried to get her to clean up after herself and her incontinent dog. When I was driving, she was cussing and ranting in the passenger seat because she got pissed off by some internal reason. She eventually refused to help out with most aspects of the business and started spending money on business ventures that she quickly abandoned, getting us into serious debt. She also talked about wanting a gun, blowing up our neighborhood, or unrealistic fantasies to murder people who had offended her. I think these fantasies express feelings of powerlessless.

As she approached age 40, she was screaming profanity as soon as she got out of bed (tripping over the mess in her bedroom). While making coffee, she yelled "F******* s***" over every step of the process. If she took food out of the fridge, she would lose her temper while carrying it to the stove for no apparent reason. Even walking alone or with her dog would make her yell curses.

She never did anything without yelling "f****** s***" in a really venomous tone and often woke me up at night with her swearing. Sometimes, she seemed like she was in a good mood and halfway through a normal conversation, she would get angry and scream a curse in my face. This has to be a mental illness, but she hides it in front of other people so no one will believe me. About 6 years ago, my sister started trying to convince me that I was abnormally stupid, telling me that I didn't know basic facts or easy English words. I can only assume this has something to do with her own feelings of inadequacy.

I think my sister started as an almost normal bullying sibling who could have turned out normal like our cousin. But circumstances and parents who made excuses for everything she did turned her into a full neurotic who will spend her life raging about insignificant things. If it hadn't made my life so awful, I'd find this very interesting.

I often feel as if I should warn teens and kids who think a mean sibling is just a normal kid who will grow out of it. I thought my sister was a good person with a bad temper, but over the years the temper turned her more and more dishonest and pathological. Since I stopped letting her hit me and yell at me, she has been feeling like a victim and goes around raging about being mistreated. It's quite sad really. But I already feel better for having written about it.

I’m sorry you have to go through all this. I know that relatives or people who are more closed to people who struggles, suffer a lot. Sometimes, even more than the one who has psychological issues.

I guess you already have talked straight away with your sister about her need to handle this bad anger management somehow, preferably with a professional?

P.S.: Forget about my previous question. I already knew your sister is reticent to go for a health mental evaluation by reading your others threads.
This makes the problem very difficult to solve. But, not impossible. Don’t lose your faith.
I ‘d wished I could tell you something helpful but it seems from your threads that you are already tried everything.

You said she seemed as she diidn’t have empathy, and I know that in this cases, you either run off ( I discard this because she’s your sister and you both need to share a property for now) or you use limits and do what is has to do for her to see that she doesn’t have another choice than setting up the rules. I know any of these options are gonna be difficult for you.

Thanks for understanding. Today I'm actually panicking a bit because I can't get her to clean up after herself and I have to clean so much to keep the house livable that I can't work as much as I need to. Her room has gotten so dirty that mice are breeding in the clutter and soiling the kitchen and other essential things, and she makes an awful mess in the bathroom that I can't make her pick up. If I try to get her to take out her trash, she threatens to leave me to starve because she earns more money and she maxed out all our credit cards and got us behind on bills and mortgage to pay for a personal emergency so I'm in a really bad situation. I wouldn't mind giving all my resources to family in emergencies like we had the past few years, but it's bad when you can't count on them in return and they constantly exploit and threaten you.

I told her to just throw her trash and empty cardboard boxs out the window and I'd pick them up from the back yard, but she's too lazy to even do that. I never knew how dirty she could be because we never lived in one place long enough to accumulate 15 years of trash and dirty laundry in one bedroom. Relatives will not back me up to force her to get mental health assessment.

MrsA I don't think your predicament is going to improve however you try to fix it. In one of your posts you said that a man had offered to protect you - perhaps you should take him up on that. You would be quickly removed from your situation. Then in a month if you visited your sister nothing would have changed but promises, pleas and forgiveness. But to really help her consider reporting her for code violations. The official investigation will surely close the house and she will also be in a better place - not only that you will be spared the association of the house and it's disrepair. Don't be thinking about the loss of money from her business, by the look of it there is nothing left.

That is not a solution. When I said before that older men try to set themselves up as my protectors, I was talking about stalkers. Due to my sister carelesly sharing our financial information with people she barely knew and drawing attention to the fact that we are 2 single females living alone, we have attracted several stalkers in the past few years. They were all men about twice my age who have no careers and are can't maintain relationships because they all seem to be narcissists. These men became very controlling after knowing me for only a few minutes and kept telling me I had to do what they said and live where they told me to live. When I kept my distance and didn't talk about my personal life to them, my sister and aunt gave these men information about me that made them claim to know me better than I knew myself. It finally stopped when I told my sister to stop giving people she just met details about our personal lives and household finances. My sister has a weird compulsion to tell virtual strangers all about our finnancial problems and paints everything else in a negative light so that bad men think we are eally helpless and easy targets. So throwing myself in the protection on one of these stalkers is not an option.

I am considering trying to get a social worker involved but I need more information first. That's what I came to ask about today.

That sounds like my siblings and my niece.

My day got off to a bad start when I saw that a sanitary napkin had been flung across the bathroom. She is just so unbelievably lazy. I don't know how to lay down rules. Sometimes I can get her to change a habit after a really big fight but I'm too tired for that. This week I've been researching ways to kill myself beause I can't get out of this situation. Stupid people just tell me to get on a bus and leave when I have no money and nowhere to go. Other idiots tell me to quit working for this exploitative partnershipeven though I can't find another job. I'm just stuck cleaning filth for a bad tempered disgusting *****.

I know you keep mentioning trying to find options to call places for and on your sister but have you tried to call for services for your self. every state has social services and help for people who have no money and need to get out of an abusive situation. example your location marker in your profile says you are in nevada. nevada has EPS a social services department for seniors and disabled. they can meet with you or talk on the phone with you. tell you of various nevada organizations and aid to people like you, in a situation that may be abusive and unable to get out due to finances.

like stated in other threads about your sister, theres no way you can control her and make her do things you want her to do but you can take care of yourself by calling various services to help you, yourself out of this situation.

You are not the only one that thought your sibling would grow out of their bad behaviors. I have an older sister that not only never grew out of her negative attitude but got worse.

It’s about jealousy and control and needing to punish others when they don’t get their way. It’s their effort to control the narrative. And yes they can act nice around other people.

Basically she uses you as her damit doll.