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Poohbah
Member Since May 2013
Posts: 1,190
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#1
I went through 13 years of abuse by mental health professionals. There is no available legal or board actions. I tried for several years.
I also sustained years of abuse as a child. All I hear is forgive them and move on with your life. Ok so I stated I forgive each and everyone. I still have horrible flashbacks and memories which brings it all back. I have done EMDR, meditation and mindfulness. I have done hypnotherapy etc. nothing stops above. I have sleep problems because of the things and have been sleep deprived for 10+ years. I have been to sleep disorder clinics. I am asking “step by step guide” on how to forgive people so I can at the age of 70 have a peaceful life? Any help is greatly appreciated. Last edited by bluekoi; Jul 06, 2021 at 12:01 AM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. |
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*Beth*, mssweatypalms, RoxanneToto
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Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: 8CS / NYS / USA
Posts: 9,136
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#2
Quote:
I do not hold grudges against people who have wronged me in any way that that wrong came in the form of. I just decided one day its more important for me to fill my life with what brings me pleasure instead of constantly worrying about that thing done wrong to me. its a mental maturity thing all people go through. you just decide what kind of life you want to have. one of constantly hating someone else or filling your life with happiness. Example when I was notified that my abusers were being released from prison, I knew I had choices. 1. I could live my life in fear and hate 2 I could set up safety measures and worry and hate. 3 I could set up safety measures then go on with my life by enjoying things that bring me pleasure and happiness. I am not a person filled with hate. It only hurts me to feel hateful. what would it accomplish if I was constantly filled with hate for that other persons. its not like they are going to know that I full of hate would be worrying and not sleeping at night. no my abusers are out living their life in how ever they feel brings them pleasure and freedom so why should I put myself in mentla prison by constantly hating another person who hurt me, all that would accomplish was me hurting myself. my hate wasnt hurting my abusers in any way, they were free to do what ever they wanted to. I chose three because the best revenge against someone who has wronged me is for me to have a happy hate free life. it doesnt hurt them to see me on the streets seathing with hate. they would laugh because they were so high and mighty that they could make a small child now woman scared and hateful. what does hurt them is when they see me living my life and free of the pain that they caused me. I added locks to my home doors and windows and decided to leave the hating where it belonged on them and my filling own life with happiness, joy, there is no manual for how to forgive someone. its a personal choice. you will need to make your own choices of whether you want to continue spending time on hating someone or giving yourself the kind of life you would like free of hate. only you can decide whether you want to continue holding on to grudges of someone has done you harm. or fill your life with sunshine and happiness. maybe you can find a therapist that can help you work on you and your problems so that one day you will be able to make these personal choices too. |
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,418
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#3
I don't think we have only 2 choices - forgive, or be eaten up with a festering grudge. I want to offer a 3rd choice. Unless someone is knocking on your door, begging for your forgiveness, why do you have to even worry about forgiving? I reject this notion that we can't have peace, until we forgive. Peace comes from investing your mental energy in things that matter to you that you can do something about.
If I read you right, you pronounced forgiveness toward a bunch of wrongdoers . . . and you didn't feel one bit better. So you tried that. Who are these people who are telling you to forgive, forgive? When do they give you this advice? Is it when you have shared with them what wrongs you endured and were wounded by? Here's my translation of what they are really saying. They don't care about you forgiving. They gain or lose nothing from that. What they really mean is: "Stop repeating to us what we can not do anything to change." They don't really need you to move on. They are letting you know that they need to move on. Sooner or later, they will move on . . . and leave you behind. Sometimes we have someone special in our lives who will listen to our pain and even let us describe what we went through over and over. Generally, though, that gets old. We don't want to wear people out by making them listen to our heartaches described repeatedly. I think that's what people really mean when they tell us to move on. They've listened. They've empathized. Now THEY are ready to move on. If you need to talk out your pain further, you have to find the right place to do that - here at MSF, or with a therapist, or clergyman. Be aware that you may be feeding mental energy into something that might bother you less, if you learn to switch the channel, when painful memories try to claim excessive space in your head and in the heads of those you spend time with. |
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RoxanneToto
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
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#4
I also don’t believe you have to forgive to find peace - for me, this often seems to translate into soothing other people’s discomfort over your reaction to being hurt. That’s not helpful to the injured person.
I only forgive if the person actually apologises, is genuinely remorseful and tries to learn to be better. Outside of that, I do what I can to look after my own mental health. |
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Rose76
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,325
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#5
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New Member
Member Since Mar 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 1
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#6
Van der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score" and Whitfield's "Healing the Child Within" are the most helpful abuse recovery books I've ever found. I'm still working through the exercises and lessons of each of them, and I'll be working through them for a while yet. "Healing the Child Within" actually does have a step-by-step guide to self-parenting and integrating the wounded inner child, and "The Body Keeps the Score" is one of the most respected guides to identifying and healing trauma stored in the body. I started working through them last winter as I continue in therapy, and I'm very grateful to have found them. My biggest challenge has been continuing to work through them because each of these books bring up my deepest pain and sorrow. Trauma and inner child work are very difficult and exhausting, and it's horribly unfair that it's even necessary to do this work in the first place. But the alternative is to live an incomplete life.
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