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NotFit
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Default Sep 29, 2021 at 06:43 PM
  #1
I was told to post in this forum for my physical and emotional abuse as a child, but I really don't consider myself as a survivor, but rather a victim who is trying to survive.

From the outside, you would have thought that my childhood was perfect. Indeed some of my friends when I was a little told me "you are lucky", because I had everything I needed, or so it seemed. Although I had material things like clothes, foods, and drinks, I was constantly abused physically and emotionally by my father (and by mother to a lesser extent) behind closed doors where no one knew.

Until the age of 15 my father kept beating me for things such as scoring 8/10 and not 10/10 in a quiz, and for saying or doing things innocently as all children say and do. When he didn't beat me, he criticized me on everything, even on my look saying to me once "you look like a donkey", and once even told me "I don't want you. Just go and die"!

My mother is a narcissistic person. It wouldn't take you long to realize that if you knew her. Everything must revolve around her. She has never said a nice word to me or any of my siblings. She and my father think love is to cook, wash clothes, and provide, and in return we must be as they wish us to be, not as we are.

At the time, I don't remember being overly traumatized and affected by the beating and criticism, maybe because I needed him to survive as a child, but now at the age of 40 with everything in my life has crumbled to absolute failure with no job, no friends, and no relationships, these childhood memories have started to surface to my conscious mind, and I am struggling with them every day and every minute.

Reading about childhood trauma, I believe my life was written for me in my early years. I cannot focus on anything (I was treated for ADHD but medications didn't work). I have never been or encouraged to be sociable with others. On the contrary, I was and still am socially withdrawn with extreme anxiety around people. This social isolation eventually developed to loneliness and depression. I have a hint of OCD and I believe I have GAD as I feel extremely anxious from anything (for example, I lost 25 lbs last year when the lockdown was enforced, because I feared to touch or eat food that could potentially transmit the virus to me). Now I know from experts like Dr. Gabor Mate that ADHD and anxiety are actually coping mechanism to cope with the stress caused by the traumatic events in my childhood. To separate the reality from my inner being.

I also understand that this trauma is mutli-generational. Now thinking about it, my father exhibited and still exhibits traits of childhood trauma. He always says how his father neglected him and his siblings by living in poverty with little food and clothes, which was the norm at his time and where he lived, and maybe thought to take good care of us by providing the material things only and ignored the emotional part. However, I cannot give him a pass. You would think, OK now you can change and start over. But why it wasn't him who started over? He ignored his problems, and caused me problems as a result. He also deny he did anything wrong, which says a lot why he didn't work on his own issues. He is not aware of them, and not willing to listen to anyone points out to him his methods and approaches were wrong.

I am not trying to make him confess about something he did in the past. His approach is still alive to this day, and it still causes me problems. Just a couple of years ago I went to visit them, and he criticized me how I spoke and dressed, and even tried to attack me physically. When his methods fail to change me to his expectations, he starts using guilt, that he is old and sick.

Some of you may say to cut him out from my life, and although I have been trying to be financially independent to be able to do that or at least force him to accept me as the person I am, I have failed to achieve that goal. I don't take from him money now and I haven't for a couple of years as I have worked on and off to the best of my mental ability, but if I don't work for long eventually my financial resources will be depleted, and I would need some help.

I am trying the best I can to change and start over, and be happy, but have failed so far. I don't think I will ever be in a healthy relationship and get married and have children. Although I crave intimacy and sometimes I feel I suffer from baby fever where I keep watching baby videos on YouTube and how adorable they are, my thinking is that I am so messed up to raise happy children, and be in a happy marriage. I don't want to drag other people to my dark world.

Honestly, I don't know why I shared this. I know it won't fix my problem, or even makes me feel better, but thanks for reading
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Default Sep 29, 2021 at 07:21 PM
  #2
I read your post and want to tell you how sorry am for all that has happened to you. I wish I had some wisdom share but sadly I am a loss. I had an unhappy relationship with my father. I don't know how I was able to finally get over it since the damage seemed engraved into my very being. These kinds of things are so tragic. I wish I knew what to say.
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Default Sep 30, 2021 at 06:25 AM
  #3
I am so sorry that you had such an abusive childhood. I didn't know my father, and my mother was physically and verbally abusive......and also grew up in poverty (no car, refrigerator, phone, tub or shower) in a 120-year old tenement house, molested, etc.... no matter how bad our parents are/were we always usually want their love....sadly, abusers hate them selves and have no love to give to their children.....sometimes family are the people who care about us. Have you considered therapy? Writing a journal also can be valuable......the abuse had nothing to do with who you were, and everything to do with the issues of the abuser, sadly as children we do not know that and take on THEIR blame and shame/issues...I think that understanding is the key to having the life you want.....I know how difficult getting those old thoughts out of our heads.
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Default Oct 01, 2021 at 01:24 PM
  #4
For me, gaining understanding of what happened, as you seem to be doing -- is therapeutic -- if second best. It gives a lot of understanding of why the world is the way it is.

Do you have any pets? I figure my cats have been the most I have been allowed, as I might have damaged children. Observing them, and providing for them, has taught me a lot.

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Default Oct 10, 2021 at 05:17 PM
  #5
I am sorry for your ordeal. Have you considered therapy? I used to get beaten up at home a lot, not by my parents but by my sister. She messed me up physically and mentally and I still have many issues. However, therapy has helped me to cope with it better. I wouldn’t say I have completely recovered from the trauma but it has made me cope with it better.
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