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Old 10-12-2021, 09:54 AM   #1
cinnamonsun
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Default Attracting Abuse

I have been through so much abuse in my life. From my parents to friends, to significant others and other family members. While I could go into a whole spiel about it all, my question is...what is it about me (or anyone else) that singles us out for abusive people?

Family, I understand we don't have a choice with who our parents and siblings are. But we do choose romantic partners and friends. I seem to attract narcissists, controlling people, people who take advantage, and manipulators. I mean, yes, I am an empath but is that all there is to it? While I don't feel I ask for the things that happen to me, on some level I do control who gets into my life. I'm at the point of questioning why these horrible experiences repeat in my life over and over again.

I feel like I do deserve healthy genuine love. I don't know why this is never what I get. So what is it that attracts abusive people to us, and how do we stop attracting these people? I'm a Survivor, but I am tired of having to survive all the time. I want healthy, growing, nurturing, beautiful relationships, whether they are romantic or friendship.
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Old 10-12-2021, 12:20 PM   #2
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Default Re: Attracting Abuse

I don't know much about psychology, but I am so very sorry that these things keep happening to you. Hopefully others here will see your post and have something really helpful to say. So sorry I cannot be helpful to you, but I hope things improve in your life. It is heartbreaking to be abused by people.
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Old 10-12-2021, 01:24 PM   #3
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Default Re: Attracting Abuse

I do know some things about psychology. For instance, I think it's common for people who have been abused to fall into a cycle of abuse throughout their lives. And it can be a hard pattern to break. I've never received help with this so I have no idea how to break this pattern. I've read that empaths are usually targeted by narcissists.

I'm on google right now doing research. I was hoping people on here might have techniques they've tried that were successful or might have advice on what they've done. But I'm probably going to have to wait until I talk to my therapist whenever they finally get me in. I need trauma therapy, I've needed trauma therapy for several months. It is frustrating to but on a waiting list when you really need help.
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Old 10-13-2021, 06:03 AM   #4
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Default Re: Attracting Abuse

I don't believe we attract abusers, it is just that there are so many out there. If we grew up abused (as I did), we tend to accept abuse, because it is what we are familiar with. I married someone like my mother (abuser), but finally got the courage to divorce him after 31 years...... The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I didn't understand the dynamics of abuse etc., but I did research and when I understood why I accepted that behavior, I was free to make good decisions.....knowledge is power!
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Old 10-13-2021, 05:28 PM   #5
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Default Re: Attracting Abuse

I attract them as well. I went back over it and almost every job I have EVER procured due to a straight advertisement process, has ended up in an abusive boss. I did not have abusive bosses when say I started a job and then got a another one in house.

I never got married because, on some level, almost every person I dated seemed to be on the verge of abuse and I knew the moment I gave them the power due to marriage they would spring their abuse on me.

I agree it might just be that there are so many abusive people out there. I have had a theory for a while that hollywood teaches abuse. Not in a way that people would be aware of but I feel like in the 1970s all the movies took a turn, where it became fashionable to be rude and abusive. I understand that up until that time there were strict standards. Then people just started believing that is how you act. Why hasn't that effected me? I don't know. Perhaps it was a strong parental figure, perhaps it was that when I was younger I had a health issue and I learned how horrible people could be so I didn't want to be that.

But I am with you.

I don't know where you live but I have also noticed that certain areas of the country are much meaner than others. I lived in Michigan for a while and I found people so nice it was often shocking but it wore off on me... now I live in a mean area and I feel like it wears off on people. Making them all unconsciously meaner.
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Old 10-13-2021, 05:39 PM   #6
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Default Re: Attracting Abuse

Thank you for mentioning this book because I'm going to put it on my list of books to order. I'm proud of you for getting out of that, I imagine it was a hard major step to take. A week ago I ended a relationship with a narcissist or someone with narcissistic traits (I'm not licensed, I only recognize behavior and call it what it seems to be). I just don't know why this is always what I end up with. But this time, instead of doing what I've done in the past, I confronted her with her lies, bad behavior, misinformation, gaslighting, manipulation, and mind games and spelled it out.

I never want to do this again. It's absolutely aggravating and exhausting going in circles with these people and their nonsense. Feeling like you're going absolutely insane. On the surface, everything seems fine, happy. We were called relationship goals. Behind the scenes, it was an absolute nightmare for me. We fought almost every day for an entire month. But she certainly did make me wake up. When she was like "If I treat you so badly, then why are you still with me? LOL," And I paused and was like. Wow, that's a good question. Then promptly told her goodbye and our time together is over.

I won't accept being treated this way ever again.
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