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cinnamonsun
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cinnamonsun learning as a student again.
 
Member Since: Mar 2021
Location: NY
Posts: 236
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 01:04 PM
  #1
I had a metaphorical ending this year. As in, I let go of my old dreams and goals, of past challenges and torments, to make way for a new beginning. And this did mean going through some painful changes. I also turned 35 this year, and possibly went through a mid-life crisis? Existential crisis? Whatever you want to call it, it was a crisis.

Since 2018, I have:

- had to drop out of college
- Moved to Vermont and back to my home state when this didn't work out
- developed an autoimmune disease that nearly took my life, I was nearly crippled.
- went through the process of recovering from this disease which took an entire year
- Went through two traumatic experiences with cyberbullying and a smear campaign
- Made the mistake of moving to CO with online friends, only to be financially taken advantage of, sexually harassed, and kicked out when I refused to give in to their wants.
- I was homeless for 4 weeks
- When I escaped from CO, I left with all I could carry in 2 suitcases, and lost 95% of my belongings and was out $5000.
- lost my emotional support cat to cancer
- had two uncles die, one was a boating accident and completely unexpected
- Been through multiple abusive/toxic relationships
- Was in a living experience where I was threatened, abused, the house was a warzone, and I had to sleep with the door locked at night.
- Left a hobby that was a major part of my life and something I was very passionate about, because it was toxic for me or causing me stagnation.
- Accepted myself as a transgender person
- went through two medication crises.

I am a survivor. And now I'm trying to rebuild my life. Which is daunting, but in a sense, exciting too. The other night my frustrations inspired me to create a vision board, I've heard other people find success with these and thought I would give it a try. I feel more present and focused in my life.

When escaping from CO, I took a train. While waiting at a bus station to get to the train station, in the middle of nowhere in this city, with no security, no food, water, or even a restroom. Just a place under the bridge where homeless people were sleeping. I met a man and we talked for hours. It turned out this guy was a drug addict, a dealer, and I even saw him snort cocaine. But on the other hand, he was kind to me, protective of me, and he told me something that has had a major impact on my life. When he asked me why I left my home state, I said it was to start a new life. And he gave me a puzzled expression and said, "Why? You already had a life in New York." I realized for many years I had no sense of gratitude for what I already had. In my efforts to escape, or start over, not appreciating myself or my life, I had lost everything.

Now I sit here and understand that I do have a good life, and I am so grateful for the life I have. I'm thankful to be alive, for the times and situations where it could have gone differently. I am very lucky to be here. I am working on my life, and it will be a life with an amazing story, and a life well lived.

Last edited by cinnamonsun; Oct 16, 2021 at 01:55 PM..
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Broken Old Man
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 01:14 PM
  #2
Very inspiring Cinamonsun!

I'm happy for you. You should be proud of yourself.

BOM
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cinnamonsun
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 02:07 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Broken Old Man View Post
Very inspiring Cinamonsun!

I'm happy for you. You should be proud of yourself.

BOM
I am. I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm learning what self-love, self-respect, and self-acceptance means.

I am very loved, a very strong person. I'm going to find a way to dedicate my life to helping others. Whether it's with mental health, self-esteem...whatever. I'm just going to find a way to be a guide. My challenges have taught me quite a bit.

And I'm going to keep writing, wherever my writing happens to take me. I've been told by so many I could publish and I should write a novel or a book of poetry. I'm also an artist, I'm going to get back into enjoying my art. When I was in college in 2018, it was to become an art teacher. In the past, I had taken two semesters of art classes, before I changed my major. I have a bachelor's degree I don't use, I was hoping to get a second one and try to be a teacher. Maybe teaching isn't what I'm meant to do, but I discovered I'm very talented with oil paints (I had a 3.7 in that class) and I'm good at building pottery with clay, but not so gifted with the wheel. Oddly, I enjoyed pottery more than oil painting, even though I wasn't as good at it.

Maybe I will return to grad school and become a therapist as I planned back in 2010 when my life was interrupted by illness. Maybe I will go back and get a degree in creative writing. Who knows?

It's like my life is a blank canvas and I get to paint a new picture.
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Default Jan 17, 2022 at 10:17 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinnamonsun View Post
I had a metaphorical ending this year. As in, I let go of my old dreams and goals, of past challenges and torments, to make way for a new beginning. And this did mean going through some painful changes. I also turned 35 this year, and possibly went through a mid-life crisis? Existential crisis? Whatever you want to call it, it was a crisis.

Since 2018, I have:

- had to drop out of college
- Moved to Vermont and back to my home state when this didn't work out
- developed an autoimmune disease that nearly took my life, I was nearly crippled.
- went through the process of recovering from this disease which took an entire year
- Went through two traumatic experiences with cyberbullying and a smear campaign
- Made the mistake of moving to CO with online friends, only to be financially taken advantage of, sexually harassed, and kicked out when I refused to give in to their wants.
- I was homeless for 4 weeks
- When I escaped from CO, I left with all I could carry in 2 suitcases, and lost 95% of my belongings and was out $5000.
- lost my emotional support cat to cancer
- had two uncles die, one was a boating accident and completely unexpected
- Been through multiple abusive/toxic relationships
- Was in a living experience where I was threatened, abused, the house was a warzone, and I had to sleep with the door locked at night.
- Left a hobby that was a major part of my life and something I was very passionate about, because it was toxic for me or causing me stagnation.
- Accepted myself as a transgender person
- went through two medication crises.

I am a survivor. And now I'm trying to rebuild my life. Which is daunting, but in a sense, exciting too. The other night my frustrations inspired me to create a vision board, I've heard other people find success with these and thought I would give it a try. I feel more present and focused in my life.

When escaping from CO, I took a train. While waiting at a bus station to get to the train station, in the middle of nowhere in this city, with no security, no food, water, or even a restroom. Just a place under the bridge where homeless people were sleeping. I met a man and we talked for hours. It turned out this guy was a drug addict, a dealer, and I even saw him snort cocaine. But on the other hand, he was kind to me, protective of me, and he told me something that has had a major impact on my life. When he asked me why I left my home state, I said it was to start a new life. And he gave me a puzzled expression and said, "Why? You already had a life in New York." I realized for many years I had no sense of gratitude for what I already had. In my efforts to escape, or start over, not appreciating myself or my life, I had lost everything.

Now I sit here and understand that I do have a good life, and I am so grateful for the life I have. I'm thankful to be alive, for the times and situations where it could have gone differently. I am very lucky to be here. I am working on my life, and it will be a life with an amazing story, and a life well lived.
You been through a lot this year. I been a victim of cyber bullied and cyber stalked on YouTube. I do understand what you are going through. Take it easy on yourself.

__________________
Everyone can do magic - Cassie Nightgale the good witch.

Dear Diary today will be different today I can smile it will be genuine because today is the day I get to live.

This life will be good and beautiful, but not without heartbreak.

In death come peace. But pain is the cost of living.

Like love, it's how we know we're alive.

And life goes on.

That my life weird, messy, complicated, sad, wonderful, amazing, and above all epic and I owe all to Stephen. - Eleanor Gilbert Vampire Diaries
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