Past relationship trauma and trust issues in new relationship

Hi Everyone - I am new here. I didn't see a forum for domestic abuse so I came here.

I will try to make this brief with as many facts as possible.

I am 47. Female, I have 2 sons that are young adults now.

I started a new relationship in late 2019 and through this relationship, he has been up front with me about his past, who is is now, he is consistent, he shows up, he keeps his word. He has exes involved in his life as he has 3 daughters.

Why am i here if he is so great? Well in 2014 I decided I needed to work on myself and stop making bad decisions so I stopped dating and started working on myself and opening my eyes to see people for who they truly are, good and bad.

I decided years later to try dating again. Again i chose the wrong person.... i broke up with him quickly and he couldnt understand why. shaking my head, he is a narcissist and I seen the signs so quickly and I also seen who I was and how much I give. Well Im not the one who needs to change right? So here I am, having trust issues with my man and severely.

A little history on past relationships, I was married twice. Once when I was 19 and again when I was 27. I was so in love with my 2nd husband. I understand where I went wrong there and from his side, he was an abuser. Not so much physical, only if I started it and that was like twice. But emotionally and mentally. He also has abused and abandonded our son. Abandoned I say because he never did get his **** together and be a real man for his son.

Anyhow I am really dealing with trust issues in my current relationship and I am on the verge of self sabatoging the relationship. Hhe said to me last week that I am holding him accountable for my past. His situation is complex so it triggers me. So I told him that I am also paying for his past. Cause really I am. For whatever trauma he has caused other women, he now is really cautious and takes things extremely slow, which I am seeing is ok, however I am triggered with these trust issues.

You name it, my ex did it. He did not beat me though, he did not hit me either. He cheated, he was on drugs, he lied, he was a criminal, he didn't like my older son who was not his. oh there is so much more that I just dont want to bring up. When we fought, I would kick him out and then he would not talk to me for months. he wouldnt even see our son. Then he would call or show up all of a sudden and we would be back together. This went on for years. Each time, I broke a little more until I had no more, got support for loved ones of those on drugs, became stronger and left him for good. We divorced in 2007.


I need to heal from the trauma the relationship caused me.


I need input on how to heal the trauma and move forward with out the thoughts that my current man is doing the same thing. we have been growing together, we are supportive of each other. He has been such a positive person in my life. He lives joyfully and makes it an effort to focus on the positive in life, even using positive terminology when talking. Words are everything he says.


Any input is welcome. Thank you in advance.

Hello Butterfly,

Have you considered counseling? Would your current partner consider going with you?

Seems to me that is a very good place to start.

BOM

I relate to this so much, wow. It sounds like you both still need to heal some things about the past, and it sounds like from what you say, he would be willing to do this with you.

An affirmation I used during my last relationship was, "I am safe and okay." I would dedicate 5 minutes a day to sitting, walking, or just being with this affirmation. To reaffirm to myself that I am safe now. After two weeks I noticed I wasn't as on edge or anxious, and felt more secure. I still use it when I need to and immediately feel calm and centered.

I don't have much advice beyond that, I have trust issues myself. And I haven't learned how to deal with them in healthy ways and resolve them yet. But I hope that helps you.

I have considered counseling several times and it just doesnt work for me. In my adult life, I've always found online forums and chatted with people who have gone through similar situations as me. It has worked very well for me.
My current partner is very patient with me as I am with him. We have both never had a relationship with anyone the way we do each other.

cinnamonson - You are right on the target. We both are healing from the past and he is willing to do this with me because I am willing to do it with him. At times I want to just run and he knows this about me. Yes life would be better off without being triggered or facing my traumas head on, but boy it would be lonely.

I honestly did not realize the trauma that sat in the back of my life until I met this man and he never left... he is consistent, so then any of those triggers, I at first was facing alone, keeping it all in, not communicating about any of it. I mean in the beggining when we were just friends, we both opened up about things and then I told him one day, "you know what I shared with you yesterday? well i went home and i felt ugly inside. Let's move forward from our pasts and not make them a regular discussion" He said ok, however I am glad you opened up to me and I dont look at you any differently.

I used to put men on pedestals including my current man. He noticed and we discussed it. After that I started seeing the real him that he was keeping hidden. Still a good man, but a hurt boy on the inside from his childhood and a hurting man who portrays so much strength but faces triggers as well.

One trigger for him that we learned together was when we have a disagreement of sort, he would pull away. We dont fight or yell, however disagreements can still cause some bitterness between a couple. Anyhow, he wouldnt talk to me for days until I would call him and say hey whats up, is your phone broken? We finally got to a point where I said listen, this is too much for me. I cannot feel this way for days just because I expressed myself to you. We need to discuss it, take a couple hours, hug it out, and get on with it. He agreed. When we sat down to talk, he said you know, I realize that i am triggered because in my past, a disagreement usually got big and then it we ended things for awhile out of anger. I understood him because that is how my marriage and the only relationship after my marriage went. Not healthy at all so we put a stop to that.

We encourage each other and also reassure each other when needed. I find I need more reassurance than he does and I dont want to be needy.... I know that is not attractive. Luckily he says I am the least needy person he knows.

Anyhow, those triggers, if you dont mind, I will come here when they happen so I can get help working through them.

I really appreciate your reply. I love your affirmation and I am going to use it.

There is this video of Oprah and what I took from it was similiar to what you wrote: scroll to October 10th oprahdaily.com/life/a37916046/oprah-uncertainty/[/url]

He sounds a lot like me. I usually present with this image of constant positivity and strength even when my world is falling apart. It takes so much courage to let someone in and see the vulnerable parts of you. My last...person, I guess. Put me on a pedestal. Would always remark how flawless and perfect I was. And the truth is, no one is perfect. It's so uncomfortable when you're aware of all your weaknesses and flaws for someone to be like "You are absolutely perfect and can do no wrong."

When I am angry, I do pull back. But it's not because I don't want to work it out. I have a vicious, sometimes uncontrollable temper. And I know if I'm fighting with my partner and I'm angry, I am incapable of resolving anything while I'm mad. I'll just rant, make cutting comments and make things worse. So I will step back to cool off and calm down. I've had a lot of partners get really upset with me for doing this, but I do it because I want to come back calmly and be able to focus on resolving the issues instead of fighting and being mean. To me, it's a show of respect to them and myself, as well as showing how much I love them. I think leaving someone on silent for days though isn't productive. Sometimes I need 5 minutes, sometimes an hour. But will come back when I'm level-headed to discuss and work on it.

I feel like we all need reassurance sometimes. And if he doesn't feel like you're being needy, I would go with how he is feeling. If your need for reassurance isn't a problem for him, don't let it be a problem for you. Like you, I have the fight or flight response, and a lot of times I will run. I know how much courage it takes to stay and work on things when all you want to do is run away because you're scared. This guy sounds like a good guy. I've shared my past with someone once and their response was, "Well, you didn't need to tell me all that but thanks." I love that he said what he did. Hang in there. Take it a day at a time. Being with someone who can help you grow is a wonderful experience even if it does get uncomfortable. I think you can both get through this.

I am feeling that fight or flight mode today. And yes the 2 of you sound a lot alike. When he would go silent for days though, I would notice he wasnt eating, he wasnt talking to anyone, he looked sad until i called him... as if he needed to feel accepted. We work for the same company thats how I know. We are mature and carry on professionally. No one knows about us. Im sure they suspect. We are both looking to leave the company.

Today I feel sad because of the fight or flight mode, it happens way more than i would like it to. He is the only man that I haven't fled the scene on.
Why am i feeling this way? He hasn't introduced me to his family and last night he was at his brothers house with family. They were watching the game and also his nephew got shot over the weekend so they were there together as a family. Honestly he doesn't see his brothers much and I encourage the relationships. I would just like to be involved. I guess he just isn't ready for that and that triggers so much in me not only from my marriage but from my childhood.

We are going out of town in November and he said i get to meet his youngest daughter and he wants to meet my dad and stepmom. At first I thought it was a great idea.... and now today, over the last week even, I am having second thoughts. If I act on my second thoughts, it would hurt him and thats not what I want but I am so nervous for him to meet my dad and stepmom and to meet his daughter. She is 17 and he mentioned her mom might start asking questions. He likes to keep drama away from us and exes can tend to cause it and so can grown daughters (not the 17 year old). Im certain his daughter will talk to her mom and the mom may call his other daughters, who are not her kids and talk.
I made a point to tell him I do not care what she or any other woman thinks about me or about us, and if he does, he needs to re-evaluate.

The last man that I dated after my marriage, we dated from 2008 - 2012 and I also did not let him meet my dad... im so glad I didnt. He was one of my bad decisions. He put me in the hospital.... long story... but there is no trauma from that relationship at all. That was a lesson.

I just feel sorta lost right now .... I have this man that loves me and is so good to me and we are taking things slowly which could be good or bad. I think we are on different pages at the moment... I'm ready for more and he isn't but we want the same thing.

How is it going @Butterfly2021?

Did you end up meeting your partner's daughter?