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SprinkL3
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Unhappy Oct 22, 2021 at 12:56 AM
  #1
As a survivor of abuse, I've become more and more terrified of relationships. Coming near death a few times, I can't help but wonder about the motives of others when they want to get close to me. I've become paranoid, lost, and alone.

I was silenced, out of fear that I'd die. But honestly, parts of me died anyway. I was never the same afterward.

I cannot even fathom romance when all I think about is whether or not I'd be strangled to death, beaten to death, stabbed, or shot. Surviving an abusive relationship didn't free me; I felt forever imprisoned.

And even after I left that abusive relationship, even decades later, I find myself afraid to purchase a home. I wished that I could conceal my name, so that no one could just look it up and find me. More money wasted because of an abuser from the past. I'm still hiding from him and any potential abusers. It costs too much to purchase a house with a concealed name, and it costs too much to purchase constant surveillance and security services. Apartments are somewhat safer in that regard. But I'm never truly safe.

I could never get close. I fear my worst enemies would be the ones closest to me. Or, I fear that my worst enemies would harm the ones closest to me.

So I remain alone and dissatisfied.
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Broken Old Man
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Default Oct 22, 2021 at 05:26 AM
  #2
Sprinkle,
I'm so sorry you live in fear.
I've never suffered the abuse you refer to so it is hard for me to relate fully.
I do not doubt your fear, your loneliness, your despair, just no point of reference for me.

So, I'll just send you a virtual hug and wish you a better day today.

BOM
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Default Oct 22, 2021 at 05:58 AM
  #3
I suffered abuse as a child and also in a 31 year marriage (now divorced).........I am sorry you are suffering.....you might want to consider therapy..
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Default Oct 22, 2021 at 07:36 AM
  #4
I’m sorry you’ve been robbed of so much; it does take a lot of work to start feeling better, but the fact you’re here sharing your story says something about you - you were silenced, but sharing your truth is important to your healing, and that’s the first step. I think part of this is that it’s so unfair that you’re the one who has to rebuild, through no fault of your own.
Regaining trust in others is certainly difficult, but maybe one key is to observe behaviour over time. The more consistent a person is, the more likely it is that they’re trustworthy (as a rule of thumb).
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Default Oct 22, 2021 at 03:58 PM
  #5
Thank you all for replying.

I'm in therapy and processing my traumas one memory at a time. I have a dissociative disorder, so it takes processing these things a longer time than usual. Sometimes I need to process this pain more than once.

The pain I felt just one abusive relationship was a enough - over time - to make me fear all relationships, including friendships. I don't know how cruel humans could be until I experienced intimate partner violence. I knew how hard it was for me to leave, and I eventually left. I could say that I am happy to have survived, but the aftermath of survival brings with different levels of pain.

I have a good therapist. My pain is just really deep.

When I hear news stories like Gabby Petito, I can empathize so much that I could feel her pain and torture. I can't imagine dying like that though. It just shows me how cruel humans can be in relationships. Supposedly, they found her abuser's remains, too.

I think about all of the other potentially battered and abused victims there are out there, or those who were murdered by a stranger. There were more human remains found during the time of Petito's and Laundrie's searches. Months prior, I kept up with another really sick and twisted case that resulted in multiple deaths spanning a few decades, including the deaths of two children. And then there were hundreds of missing indigenous women's bodies found near where Petito's body was found years prior, and all of those indigenous women were likely abused in some way before their murders. Stories like these bring chills up my spine because I know how easy it is for abuse to happen in silence, behind closed doors, or even in public, with bystanders watching and doing nothing while a woman gets raped on a train. It sickens me how all this abuse is common. It makes this world a very dangerous place, to me.

It's hard to trust anyone when times are tough, such as during a recession, during a pandemic, during war, etc. The focus on other tragedies brings the focus off of the abusers and their victims. And even then, those other tragedies often bring about abuse, violence, bullying, hate, and horrible things seen in public or hidden behind closed doors. Not everyone reports. I tried to report, but I didn't report it all. And my abuse happened over 20 years ago! The pain and memories of it all come back the more I read even just mere headlines without the details. I almost always know what at least 25% of the details say anyway. I've lived it, and it's too common to not know.

It's painful to read such news over and over again.

It's painful to read about multiple forms of abuses happening on an hourly basis across the globe, including the U.S. Laws deter some, but not all. Laws are nowadays shunned because people are losing hope in the protective factors of the law or completely disregarding the law altogether. Career criminals see the laws more weakened now than ever, especially how the corruption from the top down makes it easier for abuse to happen anywhere - from the top down, from the workplace, from a train, from the streets - anywhere.

But experiencing the betrayal trauma from people you know - people you are in a relationship with, people you work with, people you serve with, and people who were supposed to be your own family - that kind of abuse hurts the worst!

I don't feel safe in this world. I can find safety in the world, but it's not safe enough to protect me and others from what happens behind closed doors.
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Default Oct 22, 2021 at 04:10 PM
  #6
Possible trigger:
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Default Oct 22, 2021 at 04:31 PM
  #7
I can understand why you lost so much trust and the feeling of safety - that’s a hell of a lot of stuff to be put through. I really have no words for it, it’s just breathtaking really. I only hope you’re able to make progress with your therapist and start to feel a change for the better.
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Default Oct 23, 2021 at 10:18 AM
  #8
I have never experienced this level of physical abuse, though I have lived in fear for my life for several months at a time in the recent past. These experiences do, physically, rewire your brain. It's impossible to be the same because we are changed in a physical way, but I believe there is healing and the ability to overcome it. I'm slowly healing and learning too. I'm here to tell you that you're not alone. An affirmation that helps me is to say, "I am safe and okay." It's from a book for healing trauma.

I haven't learned how to trust and let others in just yet, but I think it's possible. I wish you healing and peace.
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Default Nov 05, 2021 at 05:48 PM
  #9
I've been physically, mentally, emotionally abused by men in my life also. I've been stalked and poisoned as well. I think because my father and brother were abusive I felt I never deserved any better. Now, I realized I'm better off being alone and am happier. All the men I attract are abusive to me. So, I know it is my problem. I have stopped dating for the past three months and found another interest- writing. So, I'm happier now. It keeps me busy and productive. I hope to pursue writing professionally in the future. Thus, out of the fire and ashes, I picked up myself and am leading a new life although I'm scarred and charred. At least, I still have an optimistic outlook. Thank you for sharing your story SprinkL3. I understand your situation and hope you recover.
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Heart Nov 05, 2021 at 10:22 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by bpforever1 View Post
I've been physically, mentally, emotionally abused by men in my life also. I've been stalked and poisoned as well. I think because my father and brother were abusive I felt I never deserved any better. Now, I realized I'm better off being alone and am happier. All the men I attract are abusive to me. So, I know it is my problem. I have stopped dating for the past three months and found another interest- writing. So, I'm happier now. It keeps me busy and productive. I hope to pursue writing professionally in the future. Thus, out of the fire and ashes, I picked up myself and am leading a new life although I'm scarred and charred. At least, I still have an optimistic outlook. Thank you for sharing your story SprinkL3. I understand your situation and hope you recover.
Thank you, bpforever! I'm sorry you struggled, too.

I still need to share this with my therapist. I'm afraid though. It's from a part of myself, so I'm not sure that I'm ready to process all of it. I only know bits and pieces, because the fullness of just this one memory with a few alters inside helping is painful enough. This is just one of many traumas I've had. I'm now isolating in place indefinitely because the world is just too scary. I've been isolating before the pandemic, actually. But not to the extent that I am now - with all the masking and lack of freedom with dumping trash and getting mail as I please (I only do those things up to 2x per week). I'm a hot mess.
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