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Butterfly2021
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Crazy Oct 29, 2021 at 05:17 PM
  #1
End of November will be 2 years since our first date. We were friends getting to know a little about each other for about 2 months before that.
Now that we have grown closer and love each other so much, my triggers are going off the deep end, I am overthinking everything.

We dont live together but he is here at least 4 nights a week... and when he isnt, I am starting to miss him terribly. That makes me feel needy although how can that be needy when there are couples that live together every night?

My overthinking is bad at times, especially right now, and closer to the holidays.

This week my overthinking has lead me to think that he and I will not be long term, so then what are we doing? I think that why? Because we dont live together? Because he has other things going on in his life? Sometimes I feel selfish but other times I think of course I have to be selfish with myself, I deserve the best.

I noticed lately he has been getting impatient with me as if questions I have or things I say just shouldnt be said. He wasn't like that before. My insecurities are playing a role in that because it winds up being the same insecurities over and over.

He said that lately he notices we are just arguing a lot. I was like if this is arguing, then wow, what have I faced in my past relationships and what has he faced in his, cause we were only talking and I was talking softly but telling him something that triggered me. I also said well isn't this normal for couples to have disagreements and work through them? What do you want to do? I said if this is just sex and fun, then lets not even discuss anything further but if this is more than that, we need to communicate and get through it together. Of course we communicated and everything is fine.

I do not feel as if I am 100 percent to blame for our disagreements either but somehow I feel like I am. Why do I see my ex in him? Why ?

How can I get past the triggers? I need input. I need to talk to people who have been in my shoes. HELP
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Default Oct 30, 2021 at 04:39 PM
  #2
Wish I had some good advice but sadly I am the last person on earth to offer relationship advice.

My experience is that it takes a lot time to get to know someone well enough for each person to gauge whether the relationship is going to be worth it.

Its like there is kind of an early honeymoon phase and when that wears off, sometimes a disillusionment can set in. If things are pretty solid, the relationship can survive this disillusionment phase. But it sort of seems like it has been pretty solid for each person.

It is almost as if in the early part of the relationship two people can only see the good in the other person. And then reality shows its face and each person starts to see the limitations of the other person and begins to question everything. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm often wrong about things.

I hope things work out for you. You are a nice person!
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Default Oct 31, 2021 at 02:03 PM
  #3
Yaowen - I 100% agree. It takes a long time to get to know someone. We are putting in the work so that is something.
He is still involved with his exes and family due to having 3 daughters with 3 different women when he was younger. He is honest about his past and some things he doesnt want to share because of the shame it brings up. I get that, i have some shame too about things in my past and I will not talk about them for that reason.. they are in the past and thats where I leave them.

This is definitely that time in our relationship where I am questioning everything and I am seeing that he is as well, however his approach is more silent than mine. I am vocal about my questions because I am 47 and I dont want to waste my time if we are not on the same page.

I feel like he needs to move slower than I do and really that is ok. I need to respect his pace because so far its been a really good pace even if I sometimes feel that its not. Things have unfolded the way they are supposed to.

My triggers, well those are crazy... i keep so many of them to myself because what and who my ex is, do not reflect who my current man is. Do I see that all the time? No. because the triggers get so bad that my thoughts take over and its tough to get out of my head.

This morning I was thinking wow he is so much like my dad. I see that often however he is kinder, loving, and more attentive than my dad was and still is. One thing i love about him is the attention he gives his daughters. My dad was chasing money and women. Not chasing women in a bad way but searching for that one love he desired. His kids were on the back burner except when it came to money. So today in my life, I dont care about money or how much a man makes, I care about his time, love, commitment, consistency, and attention. I desire plenty of attention.
My current man assists with taking care of his exes parents, especially her 93/94 year old dad. Well ok, i mean you cant let down an elderly man because the relationship with his daughter did not work out, but I do not like him to be over there. It bothers me to the core. I can find a man who has none of that baggage (as he calls it) but will this man have the values, morals, and love that my man has? These are the questions I have so often.

Things are evolving and that I am grateful for and it forces me to do my own thing...which I am also grateful for. I never thought I could balance kids (mine are now 25 and 20, still at home for now), my career, myself, my home, and a man.... today I am learning how to balance all of that... without anything losing traction if that makes sense.

My brain is always on and I wish it were not. I would like to get to the point where I am not overthinking everything and able to enjoy the moment and live in the moment. I am certainly working on it but its so tough for me.

Does anyone think that perhaps if you are overthinking everything that its just not meant to be? are there people who have lived through trauma that have found peace without doing the work? I mean like life just brings what you need and desire without this overthinking?
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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 02:45 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfly2021 View Post
End of November will be 2 years since our first date. We were friends getting to know a little about each other for about 2 months before that.
Now that we have grown closer and love each other so much, my triggers are going off the deep end, I am overthinking everything.

We dont live together but he is here at least 4 nights a week... and when he isnt, I am starting to miss him terribly. That makes me feel needy although how can that be needy when there are couples that live together every night?

My overthinking is bad at times, especially right now, and closer to the holidays.

This week my overthinking has lead me to think that he and I will not be long term, so then what are we doing? I think that why? Because we dont live together? Because he has other things going on in his life? Sometimes I feel selfish but other times I think of course I have to be selfish with myself, I deserve the best.

I noticed lately he has been getting impatient with me as if questions I have or things I say just shouldnt be said. He wasn't like that before. My insecurities are playing a role in that because it winds up being the same insecurities over and over.

He said that lately he notices we are just arguing a lot. I was like if this is arguing, then wow, what have I faced in my past relationships and what has he faced in his, cause we were only talking and I was talking softly but telling him something that triggered me. I also said well isn't this normal for couples to have disagreements and work through them? What do you want to do? I said if this is just sex and fun, then lets not even discuss anything further but if this is more than that, we need to communicate and get through it together. Of course we communicated and everything is fine.

I do not feel as if I am 100 percent to blame for our disagreements either but somehow I feel like I am. Why do I see my ex in him? Why ?

How can I get past the triggers? I need input. I need to talk to people who have been in my shoes. HELP
I would watch Lisa A Romano video and books on codependency. I would read Susan Anderson abandonment. Susan Anderson has some video you might like to watch.

I hope this helps you.

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Default Jan 29, 2022 at 10:12 PM
  #5
Butterfly 2021, if you aren't seeing a therapist, then I think this would be a good time to start. A therapist would be an objective person you can share these thoughts and feelings with to see whether your fears are justified, to help you deal with these triggers, and to guide you in your relationship. What do you think?
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Default Apr 12, 2022 at 12:01 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
Wish I had some good advice but sadly I am the last person on earth to offer relationship advice.

My experience is that it takes a lot time to get to know someone well enough for each person to gauge whether the relationship is going to be worth it.

Its like there is kind of an early honeymoon phase and when that wears off, sometimes a disillusionment can set in. If things are pretty solid, the relationship can survive this disillusionment phase. But it sort of seems like it has been pretty solid for each person.

It is almost as if in the early part of the relationship two people can only see the good in the other person. And then reality shows its face and each person starts to see the limitations of the other person and begins to question everything. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm often wrong about things.

I hope things work out for you. You are a nice person!
I agree with most of this post. Also wondering if you're talking to a therapist?

(btw I don't think Yaowen is very often ''wrong'' although everyone is sometimes... )


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