Not surviving

I am alive but definitely not surviving. I am the walking dead.

I allowed these twisted demons to drain every ounce of life out of me.

Now I am left with massive self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-disgust unable to function, completely debilitated, cannot take care of myself at all whatsoever. Ugliest, fattest, oldest, DISGUSTINGEST, boringest unhealthiest loneliest emptiest loser life with no one and nothing except a relentless obsessive terrorizing paralyzing constant fear of aging dying.

Totally useless to everyone and everything.

But the worst of it all is THERE IS NO DAMN SOLUTION WHATSOEVER.

I wish I knew what to say that would help. So very, very sorry you are suffering ! ! !

I have gone through some dark times and therapy has helped to bring me back to life.

I know how you feel. When I was initially diagnosed with schizophrenia and trying to find the right medication, I blew up to over 50 pounds overweight, my skin was acne-scarred, and my appearance disheveled. I was a walking mess. I also was hospitalized for blood clots so was among the walking dead. This was about twenty years ago though. Since then, I am in better shape, and am working, and feeling much better. My point is that time is on your side. Maybe, you might blossom into a swan one day so don't give up so easily. I was disgusting too once but cleaned myself up. I now wear make-up and my skin cleared up. Also, I pay attention to my appearance somewhat now, and it helps with my self-esteem. I highly recommend working on yourself. Also, if you have a severe mental illness, then please find the appropriate medications/ therapy for your disorder. I finally found the medication that works for me after going through the garbage bin of all kinds of medications.

When you were born you were perfect and innocent, somewhere along the way a person or persons told you lies about yourself. Seeing a therapist could be very valuable.

I would have said something similar to this at one time. I promise you that you can come back to life and that there is the potential to have a good life after trauma. The journey to healing is one day at a time. sometimes one moment at a time. I hope you will find healing.

It sounds like you carry a lot of anger, and that feeling is valid. I carry it too. You can channel that fire for change. Sometimes my motivation is the audacity to get back up, choose happiness, and show these people who wounded me that they did not win. And that they will never, ever win. Use that fire and turn it around, use it to become a phoenix. Use it to prove them wrong and how amazing you actually are. Say "HA! You do not define me!" Get a little sassy. Of course, you need to realize that you are a valuable, wonderful person. Reclaim your sense of self-worth and learn to love and accept yourself. I know depression has been called anger turned inward. I think of this as self abuse. Send that fire outward in a constructive healthy way and use it as a tool.