Safe Check In

How are we doing, here? I feel like I tend to run all over the place on this forum but my treatment focus is actually healing trauma. There are days I'm doing well, there are days where I feel like I'm barely keeping my sanity. There are days I wish I didn't exist. Healing is so hard and it doesn't happen overnight. Because trauma changes your brain and how you think.

That being said, I am hopeful. I hope you guys are hopeful too. Recently I have been motivated to ask questions and learn more. I found these books at my library and wanted to share them.

Peace From Broken Pieces: How To Get Through What You're Going Through - by Iyanla Vanzant

Living & Loving After Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment - by Steven Stosny, PH.D.

The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life - By Judith Orloff, M.D.

leave your mind behind: the everyday practice of finding stillness amid rushing thoughts - by Matthew McKay, ph.d and Catherine Sutker.

A book I bought that specifically focuses on healing trauma is:

yoga for emotional trauma: meditations and practices for healing pain and suffering - by Mary NurrieStearns and Rick NurrieStearns.

I personally find books with meditations, exercises, and practices to be very helpful as I work through this. I feel by actively doing these things you can begin to change what has happened to your mind/brain. They make me feel calm and peaceful, and more in control and centered. Again, this doesn't happen overnight. It's called a practice because you must practice over time. The yoga book is teaching me a lot about self-compassion and how to treat myself more lovingly. And it's not just yoga possesses, it's writing exercises, affirmations, mantras, meditations, and things like that. So if you can't or don't want to do yoga poses, you can still benefit from what's in the book. From what I read, yoga is often recommended for those who have PTSD or have been through traumatic experiences. I am more open to learning than I used to be. It also helps one manage stress. Meditation improves focus and mental clarity and is also stress management. It allows your mind to have a break. Starting out, it's recommended to only meditate for either 10 or 15 minutes. If you want to meditate longer down the road, you can. But start with something easy. There are days when being in my mind feels like I am in Hell, so doing a meditation to have a break from it does wonders.

I hope the rest of you are doing well on your healing journey. For me, it's still very messy, up and down. But I feel like I'm getting through it. .

Living & Loving After Betrayal is really helping me a lot. I finally understand why I am so hyperemotional, or emotionally reactive, and excessively irritable. And it's actually really normal for people who have been through betrayal or emotional abuse. I now understand how I've been using anger to distract myself from my pain, using it like...kind of like how people use a drug for a high but it wears off and leaves you numb. I didn't even know I was doing this, but after reading I was like, WOW do I do this.

I'm loving that I am learning more about myself and why I behave or react in the ways I do. Even to situations or people that have nothing to do with what happened to me. The brain will recognize a pattern from a past experience and react as if that event is happening. I am planning to learn how to not be controlled by emotional impulses and reactions. I don't expect to get it down today, but over time, I hope to see improvement. I don't like overreacting, and I don't like being so irritable and angry.

Another thing I've been learning is how to change the narrative of your story. In my personal story, I am the hero. Instead of being the victim who has been defeated, I am the hero who has overcome challenges and survived really horrible situations. The hero knows that when they are wounded, they need to take time to rest and recover. That healing is important, but it doesn't mean the hero lost, it means the hero was victorious but endured some injuries through the battle. What I'm trying to say is, it's important to change how you tell and write your story. I don't want to have a victim identity so I choose a different identity. There are countless myths and stories about the hero archetype to learn from and be inspired by. A hero isn't a hero because they had an easy life, a hero is a hero because they chose to keep fighting and going against all odds, and overcame their obstacles. No hero has an easy past.

I choose to be the hero in my story.

I'm not doing great today in this regard. I've been having flashbacks, the past few days, off and on. I would like to know how to cope with this all. I do wonder if by my trying to move forward and get a job, its bringing all this stuff up.


I guess I do know how to cope. I have skills. But I also feel like I need solace. I doubt I'll ever get closure. Not from the past. But...maybe somehow, I can give myself closure.


What are some healthy ways to deal with flashbacks?

Cinnamonsun, I didn't read your posts, but it looks like its empowering, just glancing at it. I will have to take a look when I'm able. I see you posted some books too.

What I was told in therapy in the past, is when a flashback is happening to shift your attention to the present. I will look at the wall and say it's brown. I will look at the calendar and remind myself what month or year it is. They say mindfulness practices will anchor you back into the present instead of getting lost in flashbacks which are memories of the past.

I have post it notes on my desk (my desk has an upper shelf so I put prayers, reminders, messages, affirmations on it). One of them says, "The past is over. I am safe. I am here in the present. I am in the now." And another says, "That was then, this is now." I use these to remind myself where I am.

There are many days and times when I don't feel safe. Nighttime is especially challenging. My T has me and my system using a "safety list" whenever I'm dealing with panic, anxiety, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I have to use a combination of grounding with the safety list to get myself back to feeling safe.

Mostly, I can use those coping skills while in my apartment.

It's an entirely different scenario when I'm outside though. I have to determine what is safe and what is not (or what is iffy). I have to be on guard because I fear being a victim of a hate crime, on top of dealing with the ongoing surge in 'Rona cases. I've never felt so unsafe in my life. But there are times when I really do have to go outside to make an appointment, get blood work done, meet with my rec rehab therapist outside to go for a walk for an hour twice a month or more, dump trash and recycling, or make donations. I do the best I can with preparing myself to both fight and flee while also determining some safe things in the midst as well. It's still not "normal."

I'm now afraid of having vertigo in public, which doesn't help with my being isolated and 25% to 50% bedbound most days for the past few months. I'm trying so hard to pace myself and get better, but I fear my cortisol levels keep returning because of my constant stress.

I've also limited my reading the news, but I really do need to be informed if and when there are certain groups slated to come down to my area and protest, which largely includes increases in violent crimes and unlawful or even legal hate speech around here. I try to avoid those times, and so I have to read the news to be sure. But I do try to limit the news reading to only once per day or once every other day. So, I set boundaries for myself to keep myself feeling safe, while also using the safety list that my T helped me with.

Internal Family Systems treatment helps me to cope by talking inside with my alters and determining which one can help us feel safe, which one can be a protector if something needs to get done, etc. Being co-conscious with the alters helps me to be aware and to take more control of my life, but it is also increasing my anxiety and PTSD a lot. It ebbs and flows, really.

So there are layers to my safety needs and anxieties.

I use a mantra that I do. Sometimes I do it at home. I set the timer for 5 minutes and just sit and repeat over and over, while focusing on my breathing. "I am safe and everything is okay." Or I do it when I go for long walks on my own. You can go out and about and say mantras and affirmations.

I am someone of Jewish heritage and I've been told I look ethnic. I look so ethnic, I've had numerous people ask me if I'm American. I am LGBTQ and live in a conservative area. I'm super liberal as well. I usually dress in men's clothing or styles. I have short hair. My style is also alternative. I have plenty of reasons to be the target of a hate crime. Anti-semitism has been on the rise over the past few years, I pay attention. But if I let these fears and worries consume me, I will never leave the house. I have an autoimmune disease as you know and I am vulnerable to so much. But I can't let fears dictate my life or else I will never experience anything.

Do I get nervous? I do. There are times people drive by and yell harassing comments at me when I present as male. But you know, I just ignore it. At times I've yelled back vulgarities. Haha but that's how we roll in NY. What helps me is listening to music. I do check my surroundings, but the music helps me remain chill. I will even go into stores with my earbuds in, it helps with my social anxiety and my claustrophobia in crowds. There is so much I do alone. People are shocked by this. I'm 5'5 and weigh 131 pounds, I'm scrawny and fragile looking and my body is female. I know I could be a target. I have a degree in sociology, I'm aware of all the social problems surrounding being a woman, transgender, pansexual, Jewish, etc. Add on top I'm Russian-American and people around here will make that eeew face. Nonetheless, I traveled over 2,000 miles across the country on my own to save myself. In my 20's, I traveled alone from NY to TX by the bus system. If I wait around to have someone to do stuff with it will never happen. I'm single. I don't have the benefit of doing things with a partner so I do most things alone. I am tiny but I am also tough as hell.

My last partner once commented, "Oh all the people I've ever met, you are the first person I've been with who I believe could actually kick someone's ***** if you wanted to." I practice pacifism, but if I need to be tough I will be tough.

I've been in dangerous situations. Some very dangerous situations. My background in psychology and training in counseling and crisis situations has helped me through these experiences. You would think I would have more fear and anxiety than I do have. But I do struggle with anxiety. It's more in romantic relationships and friendships.

I'd love to learn more about your safe list. That's something I haven't heard of.

Thank you!

I plan on responding when I finally get sleep. I'm fatigued, but I never got any sleep last night.

A few things before I forget -

1. There's a bus that goes from NY to Texas?! Wowzers!

2. I'm sorry people have harmed you with hate speech. That shouldn't be acceptable or even a thing that we all eventually desensitize to. I'm glad you have the strength and resources to defend yourself, and the courage to go out nonetheless.

3. I'm sorry you struggle with an autoimmune problem. That must be tough, too.

For me, I'm too disabled to be able to defend myself. I wish I could, but I can barely defend myself against a fly. I think I pulled something trying to swat a fly once. I bought a small machine, which I hope helps for those days when I do get those pests in my apartment, LOL. But for these reasons, I remain indoors. I am slowly trying to go outside, but both my T and recreational rehab T told me to take things very slow with that, so I am.

I'm just miserable because if I go too fast, I will be too disabled to move forward. But if I don't move forward fast enough, I risk getting worse.

I'm going to try and sleep now. I will return to reply more. Thanks so much for replying. I'll explain what my T explained about the safety list when I return. It's kind of like the 54321 method for grounding, but it's more like CBT and very different and easier to follow than the 54321 method. It takes seconds rather than minutes, so it's fast-acting.

I'll just explain it now, LOL, while I'm here.

Here's what typically happens with the combo of my DID and (C)PTSD.

1. My body and/or alters will sense danger or get triggered.
2. I will react differently, depending on the context and the alter who is out.
3. We now use internal family systems treatment to talk with one another and figure out who will be out to handle the situation. The problem is, when a lot of us are triggered by different things, it really makes it harder for us to be co-conscious with (i.e., aware of) one another.
4. So because we are collectively overwhelmed, we learned to figure out what is safe - it could be anything from the alter that can come out and protect us, or the room that we're in, or the statistics that are low for certain things that could go wrong with any given scenario, or anything that we could think of that's safe. We do that even when our anxiety is mild, so that we get routine practice for when the major triggers happen. We can still detect danger, but we can find safety in that together, as a team of alters working side by side and figuring out what's safest. (For those without DID, you could identify your internal strengths, such as what you mentioned about your psychology and sociology knowledge, which you could apply. You also have the ability to fight back and defend yourself, as well as your cool personality that allows you to assert yourself in a very efficient way. You have that "command presence." Without realizing it, you already do the safety list. But you have the confidence, self-efficacy, and history of building mastery in that area to do so. But there are things that will affect people differently, so some additional measures must be taken to ensure that it works. For DID, it takes internal talking and negotiating with alters. For non-DID, it takes internal talking with yourself to make a decision.)
5. Once we determine what is safe, then we compare that with what we were originally triggered by or afraid of. By this point, we may be more clear-headed to ascertain the threat - whether it is something we can just walk away from, something that is truly a danger that requires assistance or otherwise, or something that isn't a threat but rather a challenge that we start with by just thinking of the safety factors for a while before taking a very small first step. And sometimes it takes two steps backwards before we take one step forward. We are allowed to go as slow and safe as we need to deal with confronting our fears - some of them being very valid and requiring rest, though our mind on safety remains there all the while.
6. Over time, our safety list or checks become more automatic, so that helps. It's not as stressful as having to deal with CBT charts or acronyms - something that is too difficult for people with certain levels of brain fog, fatigue, or both. So easier steps that are quicker with similar results (that might take more time, but it's easier on the mind and the body and our stress levels, so as to prevent relapse in the future) is best. For others, they might need more in-depth methods, but I just can't handle those - never have been able to handle those.

tldr: If the above explanation is too long, a safety list is simply thinking of anything safe whenever you are triggered by something. You then ascertain the level of threat after considering the safe things.

I'm doing better now. My T is very helpful, and she's helped me see how safe I actually am, compared to the emotions I get from my intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and dissociative nightmares.

I'm able to tolerate more negative emotions, and I'm able to cope better with PTSD stuff. It's still a struggle though. I find triggers all the time, but now I'm able to cope better with the emotions from the triggers. It was something my T and I (and my DID system) celebrated today in therapy online.

I'm still depressed, dissociative, and dealing with PTSD stuff though.

I'm really proud of myself, because I am basically trapped in a foreign country (can't leave until I get a negative Covid test), but I am not really anxious at all. I am accepting that I am here indefinitely. I think doing the 12 steps helped me with this.

Having a difficult time coping

I’m feeling the same way.