Feeling desperate & messed up

Feeling all over the place. My head feels like it’s gonna fkn explode right now. Therapy tmro and in loads of ways I can’t wait, in others I’m so ridiculously anxious!

I’d emailed my t a few days ago about when I was 16 and the boyfriend who wouldn’t take no for an answer. I then went on to say about a specific part that happened that day that I’d not been able to say in session because of the words, and that I hope she’d understand why I’d emailed it after finding all the words so difficult. When talking of him and what happened, I had said he had bitten me, but did not disclose where. While I am sure she could’ve guessed, that’s not fair (on her), and the guess might be wrong, again unfair on her. That day, yes, he had bitten me in places that are sensitive, my boobs, in different parts of them. I’ve always been large chested and so there was always plenty of ‘meat’ so to speak. He also sucked my nipples (no other word for those) so hard that they were raw, so sore and because that day was freezing, whenever the wind would blow, it would add to that pain/soreness. While he did that, he would laugh, he found it hilarious. While trying not to convey pain on my face, there must’ve been for him to keep laughing and doing it some more. To this day, I have issues with them (my boobs/nipples specifically), so when they’re grabbed, even if in a loving capacity, when it’s unexpected especially, I find that incredibly difficult, it’s triggering and painful again. While not every time, I do push back or say no in the fear they’re going to hurt (as in my nipples hurting, not the person).

So we’ll be talking more about this tmro. It was the anniversary of this day recently and it’s been in my head so much. I couldn’t name it for so long because I’d ultimately ended up saying yes by coercion, after the hundred no’s. But, just after my 16th birthday, my boyfriend, he raped me, violently, brutally. 😔😭

The fear in saying this in person, is that it felt like I was then becoming a sexual object to her somehow. Of course I’m not, nor would that even be an actual thought, it just makes me feel sexualised again like for all the times I was over-sexualised in the past, as a kid. It’s not about being an object of desire (to her), just an object I guess. So by saying boobs/nipples it leaves me feeling that way. I truly hope that makes sense. I would have preferred to say that in person in session, but every time I tried, there was a block. I’d feel embarrassed, shy even and exposed. Maybe just saying it this way, this time, will help. I’ve said it, it’s out there. I don’t think she’ll judge me, but I do feel exposed/vulnerable and that vulnerability scares me.

I feel like this will be an elephant in the room, I hope not. I think she’s right though too in that these parts of my body were violated, not aroused in how it would be expected from a boyfriend. I couldn’t see another way other than to email, it’s frustrating and annoying to be unable to verbalise when that’s all I’ve got, my words, my voice.

Quite often I don’t feel safe within myself, but that too is difficult to verbalise. I’m not even sure what that means. While I unequivocally know 100% that I AM safe, there are times I definitely don’t feel it. Is that just because I’m opening it all up and I’m trying to reconnect and feel?

All this because of the words and one day that ruined my birthday and fkd up parts of my body forever!

Feeling so dirty, disgusting. I don’t understand how he could do this. Keep pushing and pushing until he broke me down. I hate it!!!!!!!! I’m so broken 😭😭

You are not dirty or disgusting. What was done to you was. The blame and shame belong to the abuser.

Your therapist isn’t there to judge you. Therapists hear all kinds of things from patients.

Therapy is about healing and feeling safe to work through challenges like what you have shared.

@Marie123 ultimately I know I’m not, but still feel that all these years on. How gross and horrific this particular day was especially. The feeling of him, his stuff just makes me feel sick, icky and horrible.

@Open Eyes I know she’s not there to judge, maybe it’s just fear because of having been judged throughout my life. She has been great at taking on board my fears and concerns. She’s allowed me the courtesy of emailing before or between session if needed. It’s been such an emotional rollercoaster. My fears are very much front and centre in my head. I’ve been dismissed and misunderstood by therapists before, so I am very guarded. She is trying to be as supportive through all that too and has been understanding of my fears. She knows they’re not there for nothing. We’re going to try a new technique next time so that it allows me some distance enough to open up (hopefully).