Sexually harassed and beaten in middle school

I can't say I was sexually abused, ever, but I was severely harassed when I was only a child, since 12, up to 14, worst at 13. It was mostly by boys from my class, and it was daily. I also got beaten and bullied from time to time, by girls or boys. Not all, there was a group of problematic children. Some had real bad family issues and suffered abuse themselves, some were just horrible children.
Problem is, it affected me a lot. I believed something is seriously wrong with me since I was seemingly (but probably not), only victim of abuse and bullying in class or even in school. I thought I was wrong, problem, horrible and something is wrong with me. I still think that deep inside.
It affected me a lot. I can't have friends, I am socially just lost case, I can't adapt to people and socialization, I tend to run away. I have no friends. I feel like everyone ever "feels" I am "not normal". That people can see that I am strange or weird in some way so I just hide from people and like to be alone. I am lonely a lot though, but I can't help it.
I also always chased unattainable men, men who won't commit ever, men who live in another city, far away, men who barely have free time for whatever reason (not married or in relationship though, I don't want to hurt any woman). I sabotage relationships a lot, I am hardly even aware of it I just do it. I ghost men sometimes, when I get scared, and I get scared a lot. I feel lousy, but I can't help it.
I know it seems like it wasn't a lot, but I was a child, not even some smart, mature child, just a child when harassment and bullying started, and when I was only 13 or 14 and teenager, even grown up men over 30 on the streets harassed me and followed me. I was very lucky nothing more than harass and groping happened mostly because I was very careful and fast to run away when something feels odd or dangerous, but I still have issues. I still run away on smallest sigh of trouble. I think I will be alone and lonely my whole life. This is it for me.

Sexually harrassing young girls is far too common. I was spared from it when I was very young, because I was late to develop breasts. But I did have a teacher who seemed to likw how young I looked....

Have you ever talked to a professional or been to a support group about this? It must be hard to feel like you're sabotaging all your relationships. But I think healing is possible.

I tried but it's difficult in my country as many people such type of harassment still don't take seriously. One psychiatrist even asked me "what do you think you did to cause that those boys harass you?" What I did? Nothing. I was a clueless kid, even if I wasn't, even if I acted more mature, even if I wore short skirts, which I didn't, there was no excuse. When professional asks you such question, what to expect from others?
I just feel unsafe around men. Not just sexually, I feel like they are going to hurt me in any way, emotionally, psychologically, whatever... on least sign of possible problem, I run away. I still do it. I am also deadly afraid of stalkers, I never give away my address or anything.

I hate it when people blame the victim. I was harrassed as a child and never really dressed provocatively. And even if I did, are we saying men can't control themselves around women?

It’s terrible. I was attacked by men several times in the attempt of sexual assault. I got away every time. Don’t even know how, I am not athletic but at time of danger I manage to run fast and have a lot of strength to fight.

It certainly not something you caused. I am sorry. It’s tough. Pursuing unavailable men will not solve the issue though. And it won’t make you happy. Seek happiness in other things in life. Maybe helping other women and advocating for other people in need

Biggest problem is when harassment happens when you are a child. As a grown up I can deal with that. But at 12 or 13 it's a big deal. Same as bullying, when you are a child or teenager, it gets you much harder than when you are an adult. Even now, I tend to run away at slightest sign of trouble, because that is what kept me safe as a teenager. Pursuing unavailable men sounds "safe" but it makes me miserable in general. I would like to help women but in my country that is really hard, we are still decades behind. So, right now, I paint and help animals, mostly cats. I love cats and I try to help any animal in need but this is also frustrating because in my country politicians and government are destroying nature daily and it really makes me depressed, because I can't do anything about it. It's my goal to help preserve animals and nature but who listens to me? No one.

I can totally relate to your story. I grew up getting physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my sister, which gave me a very low self confidence. She was younger and I thought there was something seriously wrong with me for losing fights to her. I became a target at school and by neighbourhood kids and the kids teased and harassed me a lot, mostly boys. Changing room in PE was a nightmare. Avoidance and running away is the best way for me to deal with it.

Finding a good therapist helps although I have had experience with bad ones. One asked me why I didn’t fight back my sister (which I was trying) and one thought an incident was funny. I wouldn’t dismiss therapy because of some bad experience as there are some good ones out there, and they can help you.