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Amethyst_Stargazer
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Default Nov 15, 2022 at 03:16 PM
  #1
I finally opened up to my therapist about my ex-boyfriend raping me and how so many people judged me due to me going back to my abuser. A lot of people looked at me for being weak. When my ex-boyfriend raped me, I drank some wine that night because I was literally exhausted from his abuser and I was at my lowest. Well, that night he raped me and many people would minimize my abuse and rape, because I drank wine that night. I left him shortly after that because he gaslighted me and yelled at me the following day.

I was honestly scared of him after he did that. If I dared mention it again, he would get more demanding and the emotional abuse got worse. I'm so glad I left him. I've been healing slowly, but I'm dealing with a lot of struggles with trusting people or allowing men into my life because of what I experienced. Sex repulses me and I feel my stomach caving in, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. So I've not been dating anyone since that happened. I didn't go to the police, based on how people judged me for going back to my abuser, "Well you went back to him, didn't you? You kinda knew what would happen." I'm simply at my lowest and struggling here but I still continue to be strong. I've had many times where I was so low that I cried myself to sleep and I have severe nightmares and sleep paralysis. I know I have to keep going and I'm pushing myself forward, but sometimes I feel so weak.

I'm learning to love myself again and trying to build friendships with new people. I used to blame myself for this so many times based on how people judged me, but my therapist told me not to beat myself up about it. If anyone has been through something similar, respond to my thread. Please no negative comments, I'm going through a hard time already.

Last edited by Amethyst_Stargazer; Nov 15, 2022 at 05:03 PM..
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Default Nov 15, 2022 at 06:28 PM
  #2
People can be so cruel sometimes. I am so very sorry about what has been caused by the people in your life.

None of us has been gifted with infinite knowledge and freedom. Both our knowledge and freedom are limited by trillions of big and little things.

Some we are aware of. Some are hidden from us because we only remember a tiny fraction of our past. And there are unconscious needs and hurts that shape us too.

So our freedom of choice is quite limited.

Maybe a concrete example will help. There was a lady who rejected many men who were trying to date her. They seemed like nice people but at some point she rejected them.

Years later while talking to a psychologist she revealed that her father abused her terribly. He was a man with black hair.

Upon reflection, this lady discovered that all the men she rejected were men with black hair. She was not aware of this. She was drawn to men with black hair but also repulsed by them.

This is an example of an unconscious force working within a person, pushing and pulling them without their being aware of it.

Things like this limit our freedom. Whatever you do in life, you invariably do the very best you can, given everything influencing you at the moment.

Does that mean we always do the very best? No. But it means we primarily do the very best we can, given everything influencing us moment to moment.

Since no one can know the trillions of things influencing you, they can often attribute your behavior to a flaw in your character when in fact it is circumstances that is behind what you did.

That is why it is insulting not only to you, but an insult to truth and fairness when they judge you harshly.

They are not in your shoes. The trillions of things influencing them are not the same as the ones influencing you. They don't have your past or life history.

You cannot ever truthfully and fairly be reduced to a label, such as the label "bad person." The trillions of things that make up who you are cannot be squeezed into a few words like that.

Although I don't know you, I do know that in your life since childhood, you have done countless little and big acts of courage, little and big acts of generosity and kindness, like and big acts of intelligence. The people judging you now know none of these things.

If they think of you in labels, they are committing acts of over-simplificiation, as if the richness, complexity, height and depth of you could be reduced to something as tiny and puny as a label.

People can be hypocritical too. We all make mistakes. I make many each day! But some people attribute their mistakes to "circumstances" while they judge the mistakes of others as "flaws in character." This is a double standard.

And on the subject of mistakes . . . There and mistakes and then there are big mistakes.

A couple of men in the last 100 years caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through forced genocide and campaigns of forced starvation.

Now that is something really horrible.

Our mistakes do not usually result in the destruction of millions of lives, or hundreds of thousands, or tens of thousands or thousands or hundreds. In the grand panorama of life our mistakes are usually pretty small.

I think of these things when I find myself beating myself up over something and it helps me.

I don't know if this would help you or others but hopefully someone on these Forums will see your post and respond with better words than my poor words.

And I hope that with time you will come to see in the good in yourself and treasure yourself as a human being!
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Default Nov 16, 2022 at 06:09 AM
  #3
I am so sorry that happened to you, and glad you told your therapist. You had a crime that happened to you. It didn't matter that you drank wine, or were completely unconscious.......He made that decision to rape you. Unfortunately many people are ignorant and say hurtful things, thereby blaming you. The blame and shame belong to him, ever to you. There is a website called RAINN, I have heard good things about it.. Sending love and hugs.
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Default Nov 17, 2022 at 11:05 PM
  #4
I'm so sorry for what you've experienced. The blame and shame belong to him only, and never to you. Never.

whoever judges you deserves a ''special'' word I'm not going to post here


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Default Dec 09, 2022 at 04:30 PM
  #5
I am sorry you had to go through that. Please know that you deserve better and there are better relationships waiting for you. I hope you find all the love and healing you deserve!
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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 02:19 PM
  #6
Thank you for everyone's responses, I really do appreciate it. It's taken me a long time to finally come forward about this. My hands we're even shaking as I wrote everything out, but I'm glad I did. I'm glad it's finally off of my chest. Because for so long I've been bottling this up and carrying this with me.
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