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Succulents333
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Trig Nov 19, 2022 at 03:25 PM
  #1
A few years ago I was sexually assaulted by someone I met online. It’s made it hard for me to be assertive and say no during sex. I easily get overwhelmed and then kind of freeze up and don’t know what to say or do anymore. My boyfriend is aware of this and he’s made a habit of always asking me beforehand whether I’m sure I want to continue and occasionally checking in during sex to make sure everything's still ok. He’s quick to notice if somethings wrong or if I’m not feeling comfortable and then we stop straight away, no hard feelings. I really appreciate this so much and even though sex is still scary and emotional sometimes it makes me feel a lot safer.

Because of all this I was kind of in shock when I woke up a few nights ago to my boyfriend on top of me while he was having sex with me. I wasn’t fully awake and unsure what was going on or whether I was still dreaming. I figured he’d stop once he realised I was still (half) asleep and not responding. That didn’t happen and I tried turning away so he couldn’t reach me anymore. Instead he changed position and continued. At this point I was already panicking and just lay there paralysed until he was finished and fell asleep.

Later I spoke with him about what happened and it helped clear things up a bit. The thing is that in the very beginning of our relationship (about one and a half years ago and before I'd disclosed anything about my trauma) I had at one point said that I’d like it if he’d wake me up by having sex with me. We did it once but it didn’t go so well for me. I never told him that but I later opened up about being sexually assaulted in the past and how that made sex difficult for me sometimes. Since then our sex life really changed and the focus was more on explicitly asking for consent and regularly checking in.

Because of that and the fact it had been so long since we’d spoken about wake up sex, I wasn’t at all expecting it to happen and had kind of assumed we weren’t going to do that anymore. It was a scary experience and has left me with the same feelings I had after being assaulted. It essentially felt like I was being raped even though I know now that he only did it because he genuinely thought I’d enjoy it as well. I feel so guilty for getting so upset by what happened especially because I quite literally asked for it. My boyfriend apologised and said it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t do anything wrong and he should have handled the situation differently. I’m glad he listened to how I’m feeling and continues to support me but I still feel guilty for feeling violated and like I’ve somehow inadvertently turned him into the bad guy when he’s actually the sweetest and most supportive person I know. This whole situation has also brought back a bunch of feelings and flashbacks of what happened a few years ago and it's all so overwhelming. I'm not sure how to deal with this but just wanted to get it off my chest, so if you made it this far, thanks for reading.
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Yaowen
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Default Nov 20, 2022 at 03:29 PM
  #2
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Wish I knew what to say that would help! Hope you're going to be okay.
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Default Nov 20, 2022 at 03:33 PM
  #3
I'm so sorry that you were sexually assaulted and now are dealing with the residual trauma. That is so unfair.

What you said was in theory, but you know now it doesn't work for you in practice.

I think it's pretty normal to have those conflicting feelings, but please don't feel any guilt.... it's not your fault.

It's good you and your boyfriend are talking about all this and that he is taking responsibility.

Hope others will also chime in and bring words of comfort.

Hope you feel better soon!

Sending you every good wish for healing...
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