I think I’ve been emotionally abused my whole life

My family seems to treat me with little respect and maybe I am expecting special treatment but I think what I’m expecting is just not to be lied to. Just treated fairly and like a person. And heard and not treated to ad hominem attacks if I raise an issue.

I felt gaslit my whole life with lies. I can remember being 24 years old and being told by my mother in a fight that she is going to lie to everyone and get away with it. She then wrote me a long winded letter about how I am such a liar.

In my early teens I was treated to a barrage of physical, and emotional abuse so bad I struggled with suicidal ideation most of my teen years. Most of my suicidal ideation comes from the abuse. A registered psychologist helped me process the ideation so it mostly stopped.

My aunt insisted that she does not believe in the sorrow my abuse caused. She picks at incidents so minor, and that she seems to over exaggerate on. I remember I disclosed to her thinking she had my back. I think I said I was angry once to her. There was the odd time I mentioned the abuse. Much of the time is was about my mother’s lying. She was picking at obscure conversations, that just seemed so minor, and twisted out of context.

When my mother died my aunt insisted I shouldn’t go because I’m angry and I will cause problems. She insisted everyone thinks you’re angry, and then name dropped someone whom I had never met as a justification.

What happened is my brother, who was my mother’s flying monkey, twittered to my aunt that I might say something inappropriate. It didn’t feel out of a loving kindness.. it felt kind of gross and manipulative and not really in my best interest, but to help cover my brother’s ***.

I raised the issue with my aunt’s alleging what she heard through the grapevine, asking her to abstain from gossip and allow me a grieving period.

My aunt gave a long explanation about how she never said that, she hadn’t actually talked to those people in 6 years and I’m imagining things.

I told her that her explanation was disingenuous and she should maybe say sorry and refrain from gaslighting. I so often eat crow and stay silent for their comfort even when I feel something should be said.

My aunt launched into a tirade. It went straight for the jugular; she said clearly I’m an unhappy person or I wouldn’t say such things . You’re causing drama. You’re a poisonous person. How dare you bring your poison in my life. You’re mentally ill.

I said refrain from telling me ******** I won’t raise the issue.

I guess the alternative would be admitting guilt which is hard. So I can give her that. I can understand that. However, She went into another explanation of why I’m lying about the abuse; or why she doesn’t believe my sorrow. She brought up how I said my mother encouraged my brother to assault me (and is thus my brother is a victim of my mother’s behaviour).

I explained that one thing I never disclosed was my brother’s age at the time he began his assaults on me. He was 18. Legally an adult. I was a young teen. He was Legally old enough to vote. I don’t care what incitement he had to cause him to act like that; there is something missing in his mind to stop him from inflicting distress on another person.

I bore witness to that and so did many other women. He went to jail for domestic violence and was labeled a repeat offender by police.

I was often encouraged to feel sorry for my brother and see it from his side. However it seems like they’re uncomfortable seeing it from my side.

I said I feel like she (my aunt) is being manipulative, however unlike my mother she is not evil. I didn’t wish to deduce her to being completely evil.

She did not hold the same space for me. She compared me to herself; how she is wealthy and has had a husband for 50 years. She insisted my family was the only thing I had, which is untrue. She said you’re mentally ill, pathetic and essentially a complete waste with no ability to improve herself or have a happy life. Essentially a non essential human thing with no redeeming qualities.

It feels like they’re unable to let go of my scapegoated position in the family and simply give me some credibility. It’s almost like they can’t view me as a self actualized adult.

My aunt signed off saying I’m in a psychotic episode and she accused me of harassment; and then tried to loop my uncle in to bait me further with attacking my gift giving abilities during the height of the pandemic.

I asked them to cease contact with me.

I don’t care what they think is wrong with me anymore.

I am sorry your family has acted so rudely and cruelly towards you so many times. That is really heartbreaking. I think your thoughts and feelings about all this are totally understandable and I can definitely empathize with you given my own past. Wish I knew what to say that would be helpful. My heart really goes out to you!