[Stillhuman]

People insist abuse is an act that is fully the responsibility of the abuser, and it’s not a fault of their history.

However I think my mother’s abusiveness was an outcome of her own maltreatment by partners and family. My family insists she was never abused but I have watched them act in ways that seem cruel, deceitful and very narcissistic.

When my mother died and my family responded by isolating me, it made realize the dysfunction was not a characteristic of my mother only. There are several family who played a role in my mother’s and my isolation; and that her malignant tendencies are an extension of an extremely toxic family system.

My mother’s death brought a newfound compassion for my mother; when I briefly saw the toxic family system that she probably endured her whole life, it made me realize her behaviour was not done in a vacuum.

My aunt showed a callousness and tried to cruelly provoke me to gain an upper hand; and for what reason I do not know.

It’s like they’re afraid of reality so they thought attacking my character, and dragging me down any way they could was necessary. They tried to put me at my mother’s level to silence me; they attacked and smeared me at any opportunity.

[Fuzzybear]

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Stillhuman

People insist abuse is an act that is fully the responsibility of the abuser, and it’s not a fault of their history.

However I think my mother’s abusiveness was an outcome of her own maltreatment by partners and family. My family insists she was never abused but I have watched them act in ways that seem cruel, deceitful and very narcissistic.

When my mother died and my family responded by isolating me, it made realize the dysfunction was not a characteristic of my mother only. There are several family who played a role in my mother’s and my isolation; and that her malignant tendencies are an extension of an extremely toxic family system.

My mother’s death brought a newfound compassion for my mother; when I briefly saw the toxic family system that she probably endured her whole life, it made me realize her behaviour was not done in a vacuum.

My aunt showed a callousness and tried to cruelly provoke me to gain an upper hand; and for what reason I do not know.

It’s like they’re afraid of reality so they thought attacking my character, and dragging me down any way they could was necessary. They tried to put me at my mother’s level to silence me; they attacked and smeared me at any opportunity.

I don’t think anyone actually insist that.

There’s been ton of research on the concept of “hurt people hurt people”. It’s not uncommon for abuse victims become abusers. It doesn’t excuse their behaviors but it explains it

[Stillhuman]

I’m still shocked at how my aunt seemed to provoke me by calling my mom a pedophile in one conversation, then had the nerve to try and give my address to her (without asking me), then accuse me of abuse for telling her I’d potentially go no contact if she ever pulled a stunt like that. I remember laughing because I felt confused by what she was trying to do. She was deliberately provoking a response to use against me.

If I had a sister like that I’d have anger issues too. My aunt completely played victim when I confronted her manipulation.

Watching how my aunt behaved gave me insight on why my mom was the way she was. If you’re surrounded by toxic backstabbing narcissists you can end up picking up the behaviour too.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Stillhuman

I’m still shocked at how my aunt seemed to provoke me by calling my mom a pedophile in one conversation, then had the nerve to try and give my address to her (without asking me), then accuse me of abuse for telling her I’d potentially go no contact if she ever pulled a stunt like that. I remember laughing because I felt confused by what she was trying to do. She was deliberately provoking a response to use against me.

If I had a sister like that I’d have anger issues too. My aunt completely played victim when I confronted her manipulation.

Watching how my aunt behaved gave me insight on why my mom was the way she was. If you’re surrounded by toxic backstabbing narcissists you can end up picking up the behaviour too.

I can remember a time once when I was laughing because I was so confused by what someone, who was deliberately provoking me, was doing and saying. And it was, of course, used against me.

I think you're right, it's hard not to pick up on some of the behaviours. Especially when in the midst of it.

When I stated a fact.... my aunt simply said, in an icy cold voice.... ''That's your opinion''..... And I rarely spoke to them since I was nearly always ignored/ cut into when I was talking etc. (by a whole bunch of them)

I think you're being very compassionate towards your mother.

[Stillhuman]

There is so much my aunt did that’s textbook provocation and manipulation. So many times when I stated my feelings and was treated as “causing drama” after she would triangulate, gaslight and provoke.

[Travelinglady]

My mother was abused as well. She ended up with personality disorders. I think she did her best to be a good mother, but she was emotionally abusive, and I was damaged as a result. But years of therapy have led to my recovery.

[Stillhuman]

I think my mom was narcissistic as a result of her treatment, but I believe everyone hid behind her like they were somehow better than her, when they are very much like her. I think she also served as a family scapegoat. I think I served as a family scapegoat as well and it became more and more apparent that was the role they were going to try to shoehorn me into.