Not sure if I was sexually abused by my dad

Firstly, apologies to moderators if this post is in the wrong thread.

Hi everyone. I am a 34 year old man with a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder and probably PTSD. I am unsure if I was sexually abused as a child and I am hoping someone out there might be able to help provide some clarity.

From a young age, I shared the bed with my parents which I don't think is unusual but then again maybe it is. I would have done this over the years. I did have my own bedroom where I slept also but a lot of the time I would be in my parents bed.

I don't remember anything ever happening before this morning. Now that I type, it is possible my father thought I was asleep and maybe this was a regular occurance. I had my eyes closed but I was asleep. My mother was also in the bed.

Anyway, next thing he grabbed my buttocks and it felt totally inappropriate and I felt violated. I said what are you doing and my mother jumped out of bed and said what's going on to which i said dad is grabbing my buttocks.

She started going crazy saying you should call the child services if that has what has happened. He got out of bed and proceeded to break down in tears , hysterically crying.

It was deeply traumatic. I was about 6/7 years of age at the time and I have never trusted my father since. We have never had a relationship. I brought it up with him before and he said he didn't remember and "if that did happen, i am sorry it wasn't meant in any bad way".

I have had 9 hospital admissions throughout my twenties and genuinely feel that this is all directly linked.

Could someone out there provide some clarity around;

1. Was I in fact sexually abused as a child?
2. What do I do to proceed with this whole thing? Whether it was abuse or not, I need to do something to help myself.

Thanks very much,

Hi @curiousaboutsomethi - welcome to MSF. I am sorry you have such painful images of childhood. It must be rough carrying that around.

I do not know how to tell what really happened when I was a child. I think a therapist has helped me deal with my childhood recollections that often are unclear to me exactly what they were. The point I finally came to was to let go of trying to figure out if what I felt happened actually did. I found that how could I cope with the situation was more productive for me and I could move on from the uncertainty and go with the ways that I can cope with life and feelings and let go of what only gives me pain and suffering by bringing up. That does not mean I condone things that happened or may have happened to me that were probably inappropriate, but that is getting long ago the older I get. It is almost like another person. I am so different now than I was then.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

Thanks a million. I am personally very clear about what happened. What you say makes sense for your situation and thank you again.

First off I want to say you’re not alone when you have memories you’re unsure of. Sometimes incidences happen in childhood that we may think are nothing, or that we’re overreacting to and that’s totally normal.

You remember something inappropriate and that’s valid. Take your time in understanding it.