Still Stuck With My Abuser

I don't know that I would call myself a survivor as I'm still going through it. My abuser has always been my father. Physical when I was a kid, emotional always.

For some back story, my mother died unexpectedly when I was 13. Somehow, being the youngest, my dad latched onto me and I became the default caregiver/adult in the family. My brother and sister left the moment they turned 18, leaving me alone with my dad and I just got stuck. It was up to me to walk him through every problem he had. Every minor situation was an emergency that I had to soothe him through. My wants and needs didn't matter. I was always made to feel like a failure and disappointment.

So, one day I finally decided I wanted more. I got what was supposed to be a temp job that I excelled at, I moved up quickly and was finally building a life. This was when I finally realized what had been happening. Suddenly the subtle emotional abuse became an overt all-out, prolonged attack. I was just blindsided by it and it devastated me. I allowed the emotional manipulation and self-sabotage to get the better of me and I quit my job, trapping myself here. I honestly just gave up and I can't stop hating myself for it.

I can't make a move without him knowing about it. He has to know where I am, who I'm with and what I'm doing at all times. If I try to go anywhere, he follows me to my car. If I'm gone longer than expected, he calls and wants an explanation. If I buy anything, he has a comment. He threatens to kill my cat (I've had several pets die when I've been out of town). Any noise from my room and he has to know what I'm doing. Anything of mine is his. He knows several of my ex-coworkers from church(yes, he's a deacon) and bad mouths my ex bosses to them (I assume so they won't rehire me).

It's like living in prison and I can't figure out why I allow it. I'm an adult, I'm capable and I'm better than this. I don't understand why I don't stop it. He's an elderly man and I'm stronger than he is, but he makes me feel hopeless like I'm still a child. We live in the country and I feel so isolated. My only friends live far away. I'm currently looking for a new job, but I'm afraid he'll sabotage it. I don't know why I'm allowing myself to be a victim.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I 100 percent feel responsible for trapping myself in this situation. I'm really just trying to understand why. Anyone else have this sort of bizarre inability to go against their abuser? I'm stronger than this.

Perhaps therapy could help you escape from that prison.

I'd leave as soon as possible. You already have good insight and are capable. (and obviously were years ago too.... I can understand the self blame etc but that will only hurt you further...) Are you seeing a therapist?

I was made to feel like a failure and a disappointment by ''parents'' too. All abusers do this.

I'm working on getting another job and learning about and recognizing his behaviors has really made me see how ridiculous a person he is so they're almost becoming comical. The thing is, any resistance and he becomes a weepy mess. He's terrified I'll leave because his whole plan is for me to take care of him until he dies. The irony is that before he sabotaged my life, I would have had the means and been willing to do just that. Now, I have no love left for him and don't care what happens to him. The instant he actually needs me, I'm gone. My current plan is to find a job, save every penny, get rid of or store as many of my belongings as possible and just be ready to bolt when it gets ugly.

Hi Knickerbocker, I think what you are facing is relatively common among the victims of domestic abused. You feel trapped as there is no where to go. My abuser was my little sister who used to beat the **** out of me on daily basis, and emotionally abused me right and left. I was terrified of her (still am). I felt hopeless around her and I was in a command mode around her. The abuse continued until she was 18 (and I was 20) and she left for university. She still abused me if she was home for vacation for another couple of years. I had such a low self confidence that I didn’t leave the house when I was 18. I was not living in the country but felt ashamed of my abuse and found the situation too humiliated to even admit to anyone of my situation. So, it was very isolating. If you can join support networks, that will be a great start. There are quite a few networks for the victims of domestic abuse, therapy is great as well. Also, if you have some family support, if you can leave and stay with them, that will be great. Connecting to a career counseling network may also help, the longer you stay, the worst things will get.