No Anchor

This one is pathetic, I know.

So, I have been abused by my dad my entire life. I honestly did not see it, it was so normal to me. He has done everything imaginable to keep me dependent on him so I wouldn't leave. I've worked sparingly throughout my life, often having to give up what I was doing to care for him or a family member. I did manage to get a good job and did amazingly well for almost six years to the point that I was ready to leave. I was the strongest and happiest I've ever been. This was when I realized I was being abused. He did everything imaginable to stop me from leaving and I'm ashamed to say that not only did I not leave, but I ended up quitting my job. I honestly gave up. The loss of a job I loved has been horrible.

Part of the reason he was able to keep me here is that we live in my grandparent's old home in the country. This has always been my favorite place in the world even with him here. He did not plan for his retirement and has not kept up this house. His entire plan is that I take care of him. I'm looking for a new job so I can leave. I'm ready now no matter what. I'm even willing to say goodbye to this place.

The worst part of all of this is how terribly unanchored I feel. I have no touchstone anymore. No job, needing to leave my home, never having survived on my own. I've realized how dependent I've been on him and now that that is gone, I am lost. I have one long distance friend, a brother with a life of his own and a sister that lives across the country. I have no support system. I honestly don't know if I can survive this. I don't know if I want to.

I'm still trying. Every single day I am applying for jobs, trying to increase my education and trying to improve myself. I just can't shake this hopelessness. I just don't believe in life anymore.

I think it is wonderful that you are taking care of your father but nobody should have to live with abuse. You are not pathetic. It's hard to make the right choice when someone in a close relationship manipulates you.

I think it's wise that you move on but also that you do it in a respectful manner.

Jenna Ryan Selfloveu has lots of self help videos regarding toxic shame.

Melanie Moody inner inner intergration has lots of self help videos