Is there any escaping a violent world?

Yet somehow it's my fault because I keep finding these people because I have a low self-esteem sometimes. I've given up on relationships. It's never a problem that there are so many people that feel the need to take their issues out on others.

Am I banned from relationships for life or is there hope for a healthy loving relationship for me in the future yet and how do I get there?

Hey Muddy,

Firstly I am truly sorry for the abuses and terrible things put on your life by others. It explains a lot about why your life took the path it dd. I wish it never happened.

And the second thing which I can only write briefly as I have a lot on my mind right now is, because we have practically zero control over the choices other people make beyond just then you're only left with yourself and the choices you make. It is the way through. And in itself is, as you know, a big task. But people are embarking on that journey all the time including yourself obviously.🙏 I'm sorry if you feel blamed too. I hope one day that feeling doesn't impact you anymore. That's all I can say at this point Muddy.

I think what happened the other night really was my fault though. I provoked him.

Why am I so recalcitrant? It's like I find red flags and make fun of the color red until the flags change my color too.

Is it because my father is likely a sociopath (he checks off a lot of boxes but obviously I ain't an MD) and he's convinced me over the years through gaslighting I now realize that his way is best (slowly undoing this), and if his way is best, then shouldn't I hang around people just like him...people that will use me for their next high, people that will abuse me, people that will gaslight me, people that will abandon me but show up when they're drunk or high or whatever and think "I miss fking with MuddyBoots"?

Ugh too much to cover in therapy. What's more important being assaulted over the weekend or being completely unable to eat more than 600kcal a day when I'm burning triple that?

It is possible but first you need to remove yourself from the environment. How’s your worker doing on finding a sober house or safe accommodation? It doesn’t seem like she is taking this seriously.

No, it wasn’t your fault.

I think she's trying to find as many places across New England as possible. I already signed applications to a couple places, but they weren't DD so it's doubtful they'd take me. She's also looking for long term and most places have a 6-8 month max stay.

Oh, I hope she finds a long term place.. you deserve some stability. I know you don’t believe that, but you do.

I should be hearing back from practically the perfect place next week- long term, dd, sober living, has resi, IP, and outpatient nearby.

Ohh sounds good. Got my fingers crossed for you. 🤞

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel safe again. Sometimes I wonder if there's such a thing as unconditional love. Sometimes I wonder if there's any good in the world. Sometimes I wonder if there's anything beyond trauma and trying to turn that into something.

Ughhh why did I check my ex's fb page. Now my paranoid arse is going to come up with all sorts of scenarios based off of those pics of him with the rifles.

Why does every person I get close to end up being a volatile asshole?
Is it me? Do I ruin people?

No, it's more likely because you are hanging out with the wrong crowd.

Which must sound like a dumb thing for me to say, but sometimes that's the explanation.

How we change that…maybe some volunteer work ? Where you'd be associating with people who were at least somewhat good-hearted ?

Sometimes we can wonder if such people exist, but first we gotta figure out where it is that we might meet them.

This is literally me getting my frustratings out because I don't know where myjournal went and typing is easier than writing righ now and I feel like predtending to write to an audience helps process thins in my mind better. Yeah. I guess it's just all lthe "pull asides and "alre you alrights?" I'm getting from people when we go out together. We are a friendly community that cares even if we feud and half the town hates each other. I told my pdoc I simply felll because I had a hypo, but I didn't tell her there was some physical violence going on. That make me feel like "everyone else things I'm in an unsafe environment...am I? I mean, one assault from someone who doesn't even live there isn't too bad. A few threats with a kitchen pan isn't that bad.

I don't even know where I meet these people. It's not like they're all a part of a friend group. I mean they were when I was actively using, but that was months ago and even then I'd go to different people for different things. S I met at a PHP he was co-facilitating and tbh there was a lot of transference going on that went to far especially when I brought up I wanted to join a band with a very unique style and he was down for it. He seemed to like my "public" crazy side. Now that he sees my "inside" crazy he wants to throw fying pants at me and make me sleep less than 10 hours a week. It won't be long before he's the guy that traumatizingly force feeds me.

A lot of the other people I've met with family members, friends of family, neighbors who were supposed to be "baby sitters" and the abusive relationships were more like "Hey, I wanna get high. Do you wanna get high? We can get high together and then fk and call that a relationship. We'll even show each other new music. You bring the uppers I'll bring the downers and anyone else that wants to joing can bring their own shyt." At least that's what two of them were like.
One was very push-pull. One minute he was dragging me across the floor and throwing me on the bed...well i think you know where this goes, and in the mean time he'd throw shyt around the house breaking chairs and slamming doors making me fear for my life especially when he'd make it obvious he had a gun but wouldn't keep it in a place both of us hhad access to it. And....yeah. I alsolearned not to hike desolated mountains with these dudes no matter how despite for a hiking buddy you are. If you can't do it alone, shouldn't be doing it with someone else....I know all the hikers are gonna come after me on this one, but the most extreme conditions I've been in where the top of Mt. Eisenhower in 60mph in the clouds and you couldn't see hte next cairn. It was like 15degrees up there. A normal person would've convinced me to turn around, but my "life free or die" motto engrained in me said keep going and that's one less NH48 down.

I'm afraid of healthy people. I have a couple in my life. I thought S was "healthy" but honestly now I'm turned on by him knowing he has a mean side. I want to start a few more fights and pounce.

I'm sorry if this makes absolutely no ****ing sense I took way too much Ativan and idk when it'll wear off and I am still sleep deprived and sick.