Is there any escaping a violent world?

MuddyBoots · 05:12 AM

Possible trigger:

Emotional/verbal abuse from parents while being raised
Daily sexual abuse from loved one from 11-16yrs old
5 abusive relationships between 18 and 27, the one I considered to be my first love was so emotionally manipulative she threatened--and completed--suicide when I broke up with her.
And then recently I tried starting a band but a prospective bandmember got violent with me.

Yet somehow it's my fault because I keep finding these people because I have a low self-esteem sometimes. I've given up on relationships. It's never a problem that there are so many people that feel the need to take their issues out on others.

Am I banned from relationships for life or is there hope for a healthy loving relationship for me in the future yet and how do I get there?

mote.of.soul · Nov 16, 2023 at 08:24 AM

Hey Muddy,

Firstly I am truly sorry for the abuses and terrible things put on your life by others. It explains a lot about why your life took the path it dd. I wish it never happened.

And the second thing which I can only write briefly as I have a lot on my mind right now is, because we have practically zero control over the choices other people make beyond just

Possible trigger:

"eliminating" them, which if we look at the world is happening all the time unfortunately

then you're only left with yourself and the choices you make. It is the way through. And in itself is, as you know, a big task. But people are embarking on that journey all the time including yourself obviously.🙏 I'm sorry if you feel blamed too. I hope one day that feeling doesn't impact you anymore. That's all I can say at this point Muddy.

MuddyBoots · Nov 17, 2023 at 12:08 PM

I think what happened the other night really was my fault though. I provoked him.

Possible trigger:

He offered me a drink and S/roommate said I said something like "whaddaya gonna, slip me a roofie because you know you ain't gotta chance?" and that pissed him off. I guess he wanted hepatitis. (I joke but I am taking this seriously. I went to the police, who aren't. I went to urgent care, who says I'm fine just a little bruised and swollen take it easy and ice.)

Why am I so recalcitrant? It's like I find red flags and make fun of the color red until the flags change my color too.

Is it because my father is likely a sociopath (he checks off a lot of boxes but obviously I ain't an MD) and he's convinced me over the years through gaslighting I now realize that his way is best (slowly undoing this), and if his way is best, then shouldn't I hang around people just like him...people that will use me for their next high, people that will abuse me, people that will gaslight me, people that will abandon me but show up when they're drunk or high or whatever and think "I miss fking with MuddyBoots"?

Ugh too much to cover in therapy. What's more important being assaulted over the weekend or being completely unable to eat more than 600kcal a day when I'm burning triple that?

Nammu · Nov 17, 2023 at 12:17 PM

It is possible but first you need to remove yourself from the environment. How’s your worker doing on finding a sober house or safe accommodation? It doesn’t seem like she is taking this seriously.

No, it wasn’t your fault.

MuddyBoots · Nov 17, 2023 at 06:32 PM

I think she's trying to find as many places across New England as possible. I already signed applications to a couple places, but they weren't DD so it's doubtful they'd take me. She's also looking for long term and most places have a 6-8 month max stay.

Nammu · Nov 17, 2023 at 06:46 PM

Oh, I hope she finds a long term place.. you deserve some stability. I know you don’t believe that, but you do.

MuddyBoots · Nov 22, 2023 at 04:01 AM

I should be hearing back from practically the perfect place next week- long term, dd, sober living, has resi, IP, and outpatient nearby.

Nammu · Nov 22, 2023 at 10:28 AM

Ohh sounds good. Got my fingers crossed for you. 🤞

MuddyBoots · Nov 28, 2023 at 03:38 AM

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel safe again. Sometimes I wonder if there's such a thing as unconditional love. Sometimes I wonder if there's any good in the world. Sometimes I wonder if there's anything beyond trauma and trying to turn that into something.

MuddyBoots · Nov 28, 2023 at 01:08 PM

Ughhh why did I check my ex's fb page. Now my paranoid arse is going to come up with all sorts of scenarios based off of those pics of him with the rifles.

MuddyBoots · Yesterday at 09:33 AM

Why does every person I get close to end up being a volatile asshole?
Is it me? Do I ruin people?

Bob J. · Yesterday at 01:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Why does every person I get close to end up being a volatile asshole?
Is it me? Do I ruin people?

No, it's more likely because you are hanging out with the wrong crowd.

Which must sound like a dumb thing for me to say, but sometimes that's the explanation.

How we change that…maybe some volunteer work ? Where you'd be associating with people who were at least somewhat good-hearted ?

Sometimes we can wonder if such people exist, but first we gotta figure out where it is that we might meet them.

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Is there any escaping a violent world?

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MuddyBoots Mountain Climber MuddyBoots Dressed salad? More like depressed salad Member Since: Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 3,631 (SuperPoster!) 4,494 hugs given	Nov 17, 2023 at 06:32 PM #5 I think she's trying to find as many places across New England as possible. I already signed applications to a couple places, but they weren't DD so it's doubtful they'd take me. She's also looking for long term and most places have a 6-8 month max stay. __________________ Things are changing now, and I can't tell where I'll be from here on out.
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Nammu Crone Nammu has no updates. Member Since: May 2010 Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system. Posts: 68,790 (SuperPoster!) 56k hugs given	Nov 17, 2023 at 06:46 PM #6 Oh, I hope she finds a long term place.. you deserve some stability. I know you don’t believe that, but you do. __________________ *Nammu* …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann
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MuddyBoots Mountain Climber MuddyBoots Dressed salad? More like depressed salad Member Since: Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 3,631 (SuperPoster!) 4,494 hugs given	Nov 22, 2023 at 04:01 AM #7 I should be hearing back from practically the perfect place next week- long term, dd, sober living, has resi, IP, and outpatient nearby. __________________ Things are changing now, and I can't tell where I'll be from here on out.
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Nammu Crone Nammu has no updates. Member Since: May 2010 Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system. Posts: 68,790 (SuperPoster!) 56k hugs given	Nov 22, 2023 at 10:28 AM #8 Ohh sounds good. Got my fingers crossed for you. 🤞 __________________ *Nammu* …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann
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MuddyBoots Mountain Climber MuddyBoots Dressed salad? More like depressed salad Member Since: Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 3,631 (SuperPoster!) 4,494 hugs given	Nov 28, 2023 at 03:38 AM #9 Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel safe again. Sometimes I wonder if there's such a thing as unconditional love. Sometimes I wonder if there's any good in the world. Sometimes I wonder if there's anything beyond trauma and trying to turn that into something. __________________ Things are changing now, and I can't tell where I'll be from here on out.
	Reply With Quote

MuddyBoots Mountain Climber MuddyBoots Dressed salad? More like depressed salad Member Since: Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 3,631 (SuperPoster!) 4,494 hugs given	Nov 28, 2023 at 01:08 PM #10 Ughhh why did I check my ex's fb page. Now my paranoid arse is going to come up with all sorts of scenarios based off of those pics of him with the rifles. __________________ Things are changing now, and I can't tell where I'll be from here on out.
	Reply With Quote

MuddyBoots Mountain Climber MuddyBoots Dressed salad? More like depressed salad Member Since: Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 3,631 (SuperPoster!) 4,494 hugs given	Yesterday at 09:33 AM #11 Why does every person I get close to end up being a volatile asshole? Is it me? Do I ruin people? __________________ Things are changing now, and I can't tell where I'll be from here on out.
	Reply With Quote