A New Look at the Abuse

I've written about it several times over the years on this forum...

When I was about 10 years old (I'm 57 now) I was molested by a man who did some work on our house. I remember being interested in the work he was doing (the work took him a few days) and he asked my parents if he could take me to a movie when he was done. My dad didn't want me to go to the movie because of his religious convictions, but said it would be okay if I spent the night instead.

During the night he started sexually molesting me. I have very vivid memories what happened that day - I remember him picking me up, what we did before we went back to his apartment, etc. and I remember being molested. But I don't remember the rest of the night, and I don't remember what I did in the morning. I don't remember getting up, getting dressed... I don't remember leaving the apartment. I do remember eating breakfast (but kinda fragmented memories) at a restaurant and when I was in my 20's I could have told you which restaurant - I could have brought you to the man's apartment building.

Assuming I slept through the rest of the night without incident - there are a couple of hours in the morning that are virtually a blank. Basically - I remember being molested - I remember being scared and then trying to fall back to sleep. Then the next vivid memory is after breakfast when he let me drive his truck with his assistance and then being dropped off at our house. There are a couple of fragmented memories of the restaurant... but that's about all I remember of that morning.

I first told a counselor about what happened in the late 1980's- and she was convinced I had repressed memories - and tried to use hypnotism to get to those memories.

I've had the nagging thought that he molested me more in the morning - there have been a few times over the years when I've had an overwhelming feeling of dread when I enter certain bathrooms (the abuse I remember happened in bed). But it could also be because I went into his bathroom after he first started fondling me - and I was pretty upset then. But for quite some time I've wondered why I don't have more memories of what happened in the morning - especially given that I remember so much about the night before - and it's like my memories started again after a certain time the next morning.

I'm starting to wonder now if I was drugged by the guy. It would explain a lot.

It just isn't fair that I've had to deal with this for so long. The entire incident is starting to fade in my mind - I feel like I'm getting better - but it's had an impact on my life - I've struggled to understand what happened.

Oh @shakespeare47, I'm so sorry you were abused.

You were just a kid, it's not your fault, you didn't ask for it....

I can understand why it still haunts you till this day. I'm mid-50s and still have childhood trauma... I think what makes it so difficult is that we were so vulnerable and there is a lack of justice, and closure.

It is possible you were drugged, or perhaps blocked out the memories... that's your psyche's way of defending itself.

I'm not so sure knowing everything that happened will bring you peace, but if you are still having flashbacks, have you considered EFT tapping?

There's a show on Netflix called "Heal" with a segment about EFT-tapping which I found interesting.

Maybe it could help?

Also, talking to other survivors of abuse might be helpful or perhaps not, I guess it depends where you're at, the supports you have around you, and how such a group in moderated.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I wish you peace and healing on your journey...

Hugs, if wanted.