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Junior Member
Member Since Mar 2024
Location: US
Posts: 12
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Mar 02, 2024 at 06:40 PM
#1
When I was a kid I was molested regularly by one of my guardians. When I was 14 I was lucky enough to escape the abuse when he died.
When I was 16 I started dating a guy who was 26. He was extremely abusive and cruel and despite the serious mental and physical damage he did to me, I stayed with him for several years. I found myself missing him and the abuse on and off over the years that we've been apart. I'm happily married to a woman now but I seem to crave and fantasizing about the really horrible things that he did to me. I know it's an absolutely horrible idea but part of me wants to try to look up that man again. Oddly enough, I miss that ex boyfriend's abuse but the thought of my childhood sexual abuse instantly makes me want to curl up and cry. Why do I miss one and not the other? The fact I miss any of it is frustrating and confusing. |
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 InkyBooky, Travelinglady
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Super Moderator
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Member Since May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
Posts: 17,414
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Mar 02, 2024 at 07:44 PM
#2
@PIMV welcome to MSF. I am sorry you suffered abuse. No one should have to go through that.
What I have read is that victims cling to their abusers and often endure a lot of trauma sort of the way boxers cling onto each other when they start to tire. The victims or survivors of abuse cling to the certainty of trauma rather than face the unknown of not being in that situation. I have considered looking up ex's that I broke up with or who broke up with me. There was a good reason that relationship broke up. We both were suffering. I personally would strongly advise you not to try to connect with your abuser. As you hinted just thinking about that explodes all that childhood trauma. Your life could really be a mess if you open up all those old traumas in a non-therapeutic setting. If you want to work on those with a therapist that is specifically trained in trauma therapy, that sounds like an appropriate way to act. Listen to your own body. If it is crying then there is something really wrong with the idea of connecting with an ex abuser. How are things with your present relationship. Maybe there is a clue there in the present relationship why you are having these unsupportive impulses to contact an ex. CANDC [If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message] __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
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| Travelinglady
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Member
Member Since Sep 2018
Location: U.S.
Posts: 155
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Mar 06, 2024 at 04:20 PM
#3
I just came on here to say that I can totally relate to what you're describing. And I agree it is very, very frustrating and confusing. Abuse really changes your brain and causes all sorts of confusing, upsetting mixed messages within your own mind and body. It's terrible and I hope you can find someone to talk to about this. Maybe a therapist or counselor.
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| Crazy Hitch
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 Crazy Hitch
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Junior Member
Member Since Mar 2024
Location: US
Posts: 12
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Mar 06, 2024 at 09:01 PM
#4
Thanks but I have had so many shrinks quit as of late that it's not terribly helpful. As soon as I feel comfortable, that person quits and I have to start all over. I'm tired of generic help and I can't afford to be half as medicated as I am.
A shrink put me on meds to help me not have PTSD night terrors but those meds are also used to lower blood pressure. I have low blood pressure and a super high heart rate due to a Vegas nerve issue, the low BP meds make me pass out from low BP so I had to quit them. Every medication comes with a list of reasons I don't want to take them. But if I'm not medicated then I'm a basket case. I really appreciate that you can relate @InkyBooky. Sometimes I feel totally insane and it's nice to know someone else gets it. |
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