Was I groomed/abused by my teacher?

I’m trying to come to terms with a relationship I had in my teens and was hoping to get some clarity to see if what happened to me would be considered grooming or just very poor boundaries.

I had a science teacher that I met in 8th grade who was very attractive and I had a big crush on him. When I moved up to high school he happened to start teaching at the same school, so I also had him for 9th and 10th grades. During my 9th grade year he and I started to become very close. He is 11 years older than me so he was mid 20’s during this time. He was a mentor to me. I didn’t have a lot of friends and he was always there to lend a listening ear. I spent time in his room during some lunches as well as many days after school. I was a part of an after school club that he lead so we had many after school activities involved with that as well. He got me interested in rock climbing, so there were a handful of times that I would meet him at a rock climbing gym, usually with his girlfriend as well as my friends present. We would often email outside of school, usually me asking for advice. But otherwise we would get into deep conversations about several topics.

He left suddenly at the end of my sophomore year and when I returned my junior year he was gone. He wouldn’t reply to my emails and I was so hurt. I eventually heard from him but any questions as to what happened went unanswered. When I asked him point blank what happened he said he didn’t know how to answer me. This left me feeling super confused. But I always knew it had to do with me and I blame myself. I recently found out from a friend of mine who’s mom worked in a neighboring school district that he was asked to leave due to an improper relationship with a student. That student was me.

Our relationship never turned sexual, although clearly it was a friendship that should have never happened. However there’s some things that stick out to me that make me wonder if he was indeed grooming me for an eventual sexual relationship.

The first day back my sophomore year I walked into his classroom at the end of the day to say hi and he gave me a huge bear hug, closer than anyone has ever hugged me, and went “mmmmm” and told me how much he missed me. I remember feeling uncomfortable but because I was crushing on him, a big part of me liked it. Another day when I was eating lunch alone with him in his classroom he randomly pulled out a guitar and sang me a mainstream song that’s is titled my name. I remember feeling so flattered. He had nicknames for me and would tease me from time to time. At the time I didn’t get vibes that he liked me in that way, only as a friend, but as an adult I feel differently about it. I was 15 and he was 26. He made me feel so cared for but looking back now it makes me wonder. I know boundaries were crossed but was this grooming?

I should add that it did catch the attention of at least one student. A boy in my class came up to me and straight up asked me if we were sleeping together. I said no, which was true. But he said he was going to go to admin with it. Whether or not he did, I’m not sure, since many months passed between that conversation and the end of the school year.

If someone could give their advice as to what this seems like from an outside perspective I would be eternally grateful. I’m currently working through this in therapy but it’s all so confusing to me since I feel so many different ways about him and about the situation itself.

If the relationship with you was a reason for him being fired I am very surprised you weren’t asked any questions. There’s no way you or your parents wouldn’t know what happened. It’s likely that he had something inappropriate with another student too. There’s no way to know.

I find it strange that you eventually heard from him. Did he contact you again? Hhmm

He did after a few months of not hearing from him he emailed me. I’ve thought about that too but because I had such a crush on him I know I would’ve noticed if there was something else going on with someone else because 15 year old me would have been super jealous. I was the only one shown this attention.

I do find it surprising you weren’t asked any questions about your relationship with him.

Certainly where I am (different country) that hug alone would’ve been enough for action against him, we have very strict rules around touch between teacher and pupils. As an adult I’d certainly question his motivation although of course it’s impossible to say whether he was grooming you it does fit with known grooming behaviour.

I think feeling confused is normal. You’re looking back as an adult but how you saw things as a child is likely to be different.