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Junior Member
Member Since Oct 2023
Location: Gästrikland
Posts: 10
1 |
Mar 31, 2024 at 12:30 PM
#1
I am trauma bonded to someone whom I was very close with previously and turned out mentally abusive to me (manipulating me, making fun of my problems, etc). I also constantly keep blaming myself for the things that happened and thinking I am actually the bad one, the abusive one. The reason? Our social lives. The person has lots of friends, meanwhile I have none at all, which makes me think that I must have been the one who only made mistakes and who caused the whole relation to fail (due to my social issues). I must be a bad person and the one who kept on hurting my partner because I have no social connections.
Why is that and what do I do? Does me having a worse social life mean I am the bad one? |
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 ArmorPlate108, shovelhead, TryToBeBetter
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 shovelhead
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Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2022
Location: The House
Posts: 1,198
2 819 hugs
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Mar 31, 2024 at 06:16 PM
#2
No, your not having a vibrant social life by no means indicates that you're the "bad" one.... not by a long shot.
Some people who are narcissists, for instance, can be charismatic and are skilled at finding people to be in their lives. And that includes be very skilled at finding victims to abuse. The person who hurt you could be one, perhaps? Firstly: Do you have a psychologist/therapist to talk to? If not, that'd be the first thing I'd do. Also, I would look up - ways to increase your self-esteem - codependency (there are online groups or in-person groups at CoDA.org) - narcissists - trauma bonding - book called "Born to Win" book, it has some Gestalt therapy techniques in it that you can do at home. - FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) - book The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense - book called "Feeling Good" which is about CBT therapy - establishing boundaries - how to find the right therapist I hope you get help soon... the right therapist could be so helpful to you. |
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Member
Member Since Jul 2021
Location: virginia
Posts: 323
3 35 hugs
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Mar 31, 2024 at 07:22 PM
#3
Quote:
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TheGal
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Member
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 135
7 205 hugs
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Apr 07, 2024 at 10:49 AM
#4
I agree with everything TheGal says and couldn’t say it any better. I would recommend finding a therapist on the top of your list if you don’t have one. Blaming ourselves for the abuse is common, and therapy can help and finding the right therapist would be the key. So that you know, you are not alone in blaming yourself. I was abused by my younger sister growing up and I blamed myself for being a loser, sissy, wuss and a freak. Therapy has helped a lot as I now know I wasn’t at fault.
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Elder
Member Since Jul 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 5,376
(SuperPoster!)
7 189 hugs
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Apr 07, 2024 at 10:59 AM
#5
I would never want to be friends with that person! You sound the much better choice for a friend. You sound like you have a good heart, while the person that hurt you does not!
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Member
Member Since Apr 2024
Location: NZ
Posts: 30
36 hugs
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Apr 18, 2024 at 10:08 PM
#6
Hi ABC, I know this post was a few months ago (I am new here) but I hope you are still around. I agree with what TheGal said. If you haven't already, I would suggest doing some reading about the behaviors and techniques used by narcissists. Even if this person isn't one understanding what they do and how it makes their target/victim feel can be really helpful. You aren't crazy and its not your fault.
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