Sometimes I Wonder

I am a dual citizen of the U.K. an the United States, though when younger I was

in the U.K. frequently, i grew up in the states and consider myself an American.

I am in the south, and it is rather rural where I live but there is a larger city nearby.

I was born on a military air base in Germany under the joint control of the United

States and the United Kingdom. I was married to a woman once, had a young

son and a drunk driver took them away from me. As time went on I began to

identify as gay. I was in several relationships and am in one now. As sick as I am

getting it is sort of a moot point, but I just wonder if those >8 years pushed me in

that direction. It doesn't bother me, I am relatively happy. Yet in the back of my

mind there is always that persistent, 'What if," question. Just how much did

those little over 8 years affected me, could it have been different? There are no

answers, some therapists have told me most certainly, others have been more

on the fence about it. There is nothing wrong with me or the way that I am, but

life could have been so totally different. It is hard not to think about sometimes,

my son is gone and my line of family will end with me.It is just something I think

about often.

@16PennyNail it must be rough to think ahead to what you would be doing if your wife and son were alive. That sounds traumatic to have lost them in that way.

I can almost make myself cry if I start thinking about the what ifs. What if I had lived at home instead of living on campus? What if I had not broken up with that girlfriend? What if I had not been so depressed in that relationship?

There is seemingly no end to those so I have stopped as much as I am able to playing the what if hypothetical outcomes.

Sorry to hear you are not well. I think you mentioned it before. How much does that disrupt your life?