I don't know who I am without pain

There was no "old me" before abuse. First thing I recall is abuse. My life has been out of my grasp and I fight only to survive. I just wanna live man...
People talk about how they're finally "living". I want that so bad. Always have. I still am trying to figure out how to get there. So much fog all around me.
I've been in recovery for addiction and realize why I became an addict. My addictions helped me survive hell. It wasn't until abuse stopped that it turned on me and I was now attempting to survive the addictions.
5 months in and I'm so devastated by my life. I guess I always was but numbed myself from it. There's no numbing now and the rage is like a wildfire consuming a dense forest. My anger has been instrumental in maintaining sobriety, but crippling for my psyche.
I want the world to burn for the evil that has run rampant, hurting people I love and myself. I want to burn with it for the blood on my hands. How can I trust others if I can't trust myself?

"I'm committed to the lie that feeling safe is unrealistic."

That is powerful writing.

How can we get to the point of "living" without massive transformation, reinvention?

Maybe if we know who we are without pain, it will be possible.