This post could be very triggering

I keep trying to keep this to myself. That's what they expected me to do. I was taught that people wouldn't believe me while, simultaneously, being warned how revealing the truth could destroy the family unit. Contradiction. I grew up afraid of the emotional pain that could follow if I reached out to someone for help- help my own family didn't provide. I was tempted but the world was portrayed as the enemy or an enemy even worse than them. From the age of 8 years to around 12 I was mostly kept from forming social connections, even being educated, to some degree, at home. I did not get to talk to anyone who would have helped me with my health concerns at the time and was subjected to pain and continual fear from Mom and Dad who talked about options and chose a private, man-made hell. I grew up afraid of them and incredibly lonely. They gave more hurts than love and what resembled love from them really made everything else hurt more. I don't talk to Dad anymore. He cut off communication recently. Mom told me not to talk to her about what happened anymore. There are so many emotions I have causing me pain. I have nightmares, I continue to worry, I feel ashamed of myself. It's hard to continue to love these people. They allowed my suffering to go on unchecked when I lived in their home and they added more to it and when it occurred to them that they might lose me in a short time Dad expressed his thoughts about it as it being a waste to try to save me and his belief that their lives would go on without me. To him losing me had the mere possibility of provoking sadness. This was something he voiced- not that I speculate on. And Mom stood there and asked how they would explain my absence to extended family members. They had other kids and one on the way and they chose them, and themselves, over me. I am fortunate to be alive but I am overwhelmed by this reality and that they can cut me off as they have after doing all of this.

I can't tell you how many times I have been told in one way or another that I am the problem because I am still upset about these things. It has made it even harder to "have caused" this setting of boundaries by my parents. I have asked myself if I have been mean to express my feelings to them, if I was wrong to mention the past, even though the events in the past have resulted in suffering that continues in my life. I feel so hurt, confused and maybe "trapped". I can't stop the pain and I am grieving over people who are still alive.

I am so sorry for the trauma you experienced and the pain you felt then and feel now. The "shame" you feel doesn't belong to you... it was passed on to you from your FOO (Family of origin), you need a good psychologist to help you work through this and other issues. I'm so sorry you were injured, hurt and ostracized by those meant to love, support and protect you.

Have your heard of EMDR therapy, EFT tapping, schema therapy (an extension to CBT), Gestalt, or transactional analysis?

There's a book called "Born to Win" by Dorothy Jongeward and Murial James. If you can't find it at your library, maybe they would order a copy, or you could try AbeBooks | Shop for Books, Art & Collectibles.

Wishing you peace on your healing journey.

I had to start dealing with things like this when I was about to turn 6, and it didn't stop until I was 14. It's all traumatic. I had good parents, but they were caught up in their own lives. I think of it as a network with some open ports that the network administrator was unaware of. Familial abuse is just as traumatic, and all trauma for children is a catastrophe. It affects people in a way that almost nothing else does, and trauma is processed in the brain differently than most

other stimuli. This causes internal injury and won't just go away on its own. Active measures must be taken to combat it. First, any grief or shame you may feel is misplaced, as you did nothing wrong. So, what are active measures? I was a military officer, so I tend to be just straightforward with stuff, and if anything requires that, it is this. A therapist or, ideally, a team with both a Psychiatrist/Psychologist trained specifically for dealing with trauma is a gigantic help. Next, peer-based support to me is unbeatable. Someone cannot attend

school long enough to even compare with someone who has been through it. There are a couple of ways to provide peer support. If you have. therapist or get one, they will know of resources in your area where you may attend group meetings. Being in person is hard, and everyone is not up to it. Some reputable online resources have developed communities for this and have anonymous features to join. I will list these, but I cannot recommend one over another. I am a male who suffered from CSA and is an MD who is associated with RAINN and

Malesurvivor.org. I am sick now, so I assist them as much as possible from home with a computer and a phone. I have been in this fight for some time now, but I have had much extra training from both, and my medical training did not hurt. You kind of have to be captain of your own boat for recovery. If you get a therapist, you don't like them; you don't have to keep them. Same with group meetings and only peer support. If you see some kind of warning flag, leave the group, close your web browser, clear your cookies, and put them in the rearview.

If anyone ever asks you for money outside of a therapeutic environment, tell them there is an ATM in the area, and you will catch them in the next life. Before I put the list here, one more part of the active measures is reaching out and gathering knowledge of your own. I will recommend a book that no one in the active measures world is unaware of. If there are therapists who are not, they should not have a license. I will put the name and the author at the end of the list; it's available on Kindle and paperback, and one of the .org's had a free copy

of it. Sorry for the lengthy reply, but this is a large aspect of my life and has been for some time. I want to see everyone who needs it get help. So here is the list and the information on that book. There are so many more; some are ten yards, a cloud of paper and ink trying to get money. This one is most certainly not. I wish you the best healing journey possible and am sorry you must undertake it.
PEER ONLINE SUPPORT
A Long Walk Home.
Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA)
Advocacy Center.
After Silence.
Alexandra House.
Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA)
End the Silence.
Finding Hope.

That book is, The Body Keeps the Score By Bessel Van Der Kolk MD