Letter to my abusers (S/A and ableism trigger warnings)

I don't know where to even start. How do I even start.
I'm only 16 yet it feels like I'm still ****ing 12. I was never treated well. I have autism and Adhd so I guess that means they took that as an excuse to **** with me.

All of my abusers were women, they told me that men were nothing disgusting, rapist pigs but they always treated me like the punch line of a horrible joke. They made weird sexual remarks about my body. They became the monsters they swore to protect me from. But I know there was one who was the worst

Miss Sori

You ruined me. You were my teacher, you were supposed to protect me. You had all the power over me and you abused that power to try and watch me use the ****ing bathroom. You screamed at me, you called me slurs, you made a "Joke" on how I would grow up to be a prostitute.

You were in your late 40's. I was 12. I was just a kid, I didn't deserve that. Nobody does. You had two daughters, Did you not think of them when you looked at me? or was I just a toy for you to abuse and throw away when your done with me? You ruined me.

Thanks to you, I learned to hate myself. I developed this weird ****ing voyeurism fetish that I obviously don't indulge in cus that's ****ing illegal and I sexualize older woman that have kind, Motherly personalities because I just wanted somebody to love me. I'm Hypersexual and think about having sex on a day to day basis. I have horrible intrusive thoughts about rape and violence. I love girls but they make me want to ****ing kill myself. I hate the idea of ever opening up about my feelings because it makes me feel weak and pathetic. I'm always sad. Always angry at something. I can't mask anymore. I don't enjoy life anymore since God has decided that ****ing with me is the funniest thing in the world.

Everything always goes wrong in my life. I hate this. I don't wanna die young, I just want the pain to stop. I hate repairing the stitches that somebody else tore off and I don't know how to ****ing sew. I've tried everything and nothing works anymore. I want to put my brain through a paper shredder. I just want to be normal. I can't comprehend the idea of somebody actually loving me.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I am so sorry for the abuse and suffering that has been done to you and for your current suffering. It is heartbreaking and unimaginable like a living nightmare that never ends. I wish I knew what to say that would help.

I know it will probably not be any kind of comfort to you, but I admire you for surviving. People like you inspire me and I think people like you are so noble and heroic.

I think it is only right that if a person is hurt that they scream. I wrote a letter to my abusers. I kept all the pain in for almost 50 years and it just ate away at my soul.

You've been through such much and deserve a break. You deserve a life where you can have really peace and joy of living, things that have been denied to you unjustly and cruelly!