I'm filled with Female Rage. (Rant)

I'm angry that just because I'm autistic society deems me a burden and worthy of mockery. Just because I'm not like you all useless Judgy Neurotypical ****s.

I'm Angry that I was denied sisterhood all because I wasn't like all the other girls. The weird kid. The freak that rocked back and forth. The Freak who just can't get it. The little girl who got weird looks and treated like the punch line of some offensive joke. Angry that I can't even complain, Because it just adds fuel to the fire

I'm Angry at the women who treat me like I'm just some naive, stupid little girl to infantalize and mistreat. The Walking charity case. The Stupid little girl to dismiss and diminish the true weight of her trauma because you don't want to admit you ****ed up as a mother. The Girl whom you thought so little of that you'd try and watch her change her pad in the bathroom.

I'm Angry that I can't just get over it. There's starving kids in Siberia. There's people being bombed and displaced in palestine. There's Black people being shot by police in the streets. There's People being sold like cattle around the globe. She didn't even touch me, why am I so mad about this.

I'm Angry that my trauma can't be something normal. Why coulden't My Abuser be a Man? Why didn't she touch me? Molest me physically?

I'm Angry that I'm being punished for the depraved things that somebody else did.

I'm Angry that I'm so ugly, Why is my ****ing forehead so big, Why do I have acne scars, Blackheads, Why does my voice sound like that, Why is my hair so ****ing frizzy and curly, Why are my legs so ****ing short. I hate my body. I want to fix it. I want bigger tits. I just can't love the girl that stares back at me everytime i look into the mirror. I hate that all that the world has to offer me in this regard is a ****** "You're perfect just the way you are!". No, You don't ****ing know me. What does the DOVE soap brand know about me?

I'm ANGRY that I'm so bad about Math. I hate going to tutoring lessons, But I can't complain because it dosen't matter how I feel, I have to ****ing go anyways. I hate being a few worthless points off from passing the test. I hate being told that I'm so smart but I just have to try harder next time. I don't think I can pass this Stupid test. I've failed it 5 ****ing times and I have another Retake Test next week, so I'll probably have to increase that number to 6. I hate having 2 hour sessions during saturday's.

I'm ANGRY at My ****ing mom. I hate the way she talks. I hate her so much. I hate that stupid ****ing resting ***** face she makes at me when I do something she dosen't like. I hate that she treats me like some baby that can't go somewhere on her own. I hate how she ignores how I feel. I hate how she refuses to accept the gravity of what happened to me. I hate every bit of her. I want to ****ing gut her. I hate that she never listens to me. I hate the stupid face she makes when I cry or show any negative emotions, I just know she's thinking "Oh Great, Here We go AGAIN, I have to actually try and comfort this hysterical charity case that I legally have to take care of" I love her. I hate her. I'm a Horrible Daughter.

I'm angry at everything. I hate every single part of myself. I hate it. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't wanna live like this. I'm not going to kill myself.

I hate that this stupid ****ing post is gonna get like two comments from the same people that I'm 99 Percent sure are bots or some ****. I just want somebody to listen to me. I just want somebody to give me attention.

I'm the worst.

Hi @Myheartwillheal - I am sorry that you feel so different. It must be rough to get up every day and look in the mirror and see that your body is different.

But even though your body is different there are some things that we all share like we want to be happy and loved and accepted. And this world tends to judge people by appearances. I know it sucks but when I get angry I am miserable so I want to find a way to not be so angry so much of the time. I want to be happy and I do not know any way to trade in this life for another, so what choices do I have?

I am a person and as far as I know there are only people on this site.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

Thanks, I appreciate it.

Acne and blackheads are treatable. You need patience, but they are very treatable. First you need to learn to prevent new lesions, which is cheap, and then later on, when you have income, you will be able to afford procedures that erase existing scars (corrective procedures cost much more money than prevention). Your breasts might still grow, and if they do not, then again, as a grown-up you will be able to save up and afford implants. Having curly hair is a good thing and not a bad thing, and the amount of information on the web and on YouTube that would teach you how to tame frizz is absolutely staggering. You cannot grow longer legs, but you can learn to clothe your body in ways that create visual illusions, so that your legs would appear longer than they actually are. I do not know about the forehead, but similarly to the situation with short legs, there might be ways of using concealer and other makeup tools cleverly to shift the focus of the viewer away from the forehead and onto your more advantageous features, or create the illusion of a smaller forehead. Or, you can think of a tall forehead as a sign of intelligence .

Voice lessons might help you sound more melodious. Maybe you cannot afford them now while your mom makes the decisions about your education and extracurricular activities, but this is something to look forward to when you reach adulthood. In calling them Judgy, you are being judgmental yourself. It is a vicious circle.

"You're perfect just the way you are!" will not help you, I agree, but there are many ways to help the situation if you shift some of the focus from pure anger and exasperation to problem-solving.

Even Audrey Hepburn did not have perfect legs, but she used clever disguises to create an illusion of perfection. Why can't you do the same if it was fine for her?

I would take small steps in the right direction, choose one area of improvement to focus on, and table the rest. For example, you listed acne first, so focus on acne: learn to use sunscreen in the morning, adapalene at night, Benzoyl Peroxide to wash your face when you are in the shower, and CeraVe moisturizer on your face when you get out of the shower. Do it consistently for three months and then see if you have made progress. Do not expect immediate results - give it some time.

You will feel better once you get out of school. School-age girls can be cruel. Once you reach adulthood and stop marinating in the same age group all the time, it will get better. You will meet people with different perspectives and there will be some who will appreciate your gifts. Once you gain some distance from your mother, you will feel better, too. It is a phase and things will improve for you. You will also learn to be less judgmental. I know you are very angry, but one day you will see that calling neurotypical folk useless and other names won't help anything. You call them Judgy, but aren't you, too?

You are high-functioning, your written speech is rich and complex, so your abilities might skew verbally, while your math aptitude suffers. Most likely your tutor does not know how to approach the challenge, and the lessons are boring and feel punishing. A better tutor might be able to help, but you are not the one making the calls now regarding which tutor to hire. If you had an open communication channel with Mom, you could ask for a different tutor, explaining that this one can't get the job done. Math tutoring requires talent and ingenuity. My late mother was a math tutor later in her life and she found a way to teach anyone, including teens who were considered hopeless. It was almost as if she had a magic wand. Even with your mom, you might entertain a chance of having her hire a different tutor if you phrase your dissatisfaction in adult terms instead of complaining, which may sound childish. Say, you can write to your mother: "By now it is clear that my tutor has been ineffective. Perhaps the tutor lacks experience working with my learning style. I am sure there are other tutors out there. Why won't we try a new one?"

I am a verbal person myself, but in high school my favorite subjects were physics and chemistry, all because I had amazing teachers. The teacher can make all the difference. I had all A's in those subjects. Now, I do not remember anything at all, except that inorganic chemistry was much more than organic chemistry and that if you throw an object, its trajectory is parabolic. Everything else has long faded away, but I cherish the memory of the teachers. Teachers can and do make or break it. In your case, it is not you but the tutor, the tutor's ineptitude, rigidity, lack of versatility of approaches - something other than you. Even if you cannot cause your mom to hire a better tutor, at least know within yourself that it is not that you are stupid, but that the tutor is inept or too lazy to find ways to get through to you.