[shakespeare47]

I've written about it several times over the years on this forum...

When I was about 10 years old (I'm 57 now) I was molested by a man who did some work on our house. I remember being interested in the work he was doing (the work took him a few days) and he asked my parents if he could take me to a movie when he was done. My dad didn't want me to go to the movie because of his religious convictions, but said it would be okay if I spent the night instead.

During the night he started sexually molesting me. I have very vivid memories what happened that day - I remember him picking me up, what we did before we went back to his apartment, etc. and I remember being molested. But I don't remember the rest of the night, and I don't remember what I did in the morning. I don't remember getting up, getting dressed... I don't remember leaving the apartment. I do remember eating breakfast (but kinda fragmented memories) at a restaurant and when I was in my 20's I could have told you which restaurant - I could have brought you to the man's apartment building.

Assuming I slept through the rest of the night without incident - there are a couple of hours in the morning that are virtually a blank. Basically - I remember being molested - I remember being scared and then trying to fall back to sleep. Then the next vivid memory is after breakfast when he let me drive his truck with his assistance and then being dropped off at our house. There are a couple of fragmented memories of the restaurant... but that's about all I remember of that morning.

I first told a counselor about what happened in the late 1980's- and she was convinced I had repressed memories - and tried to use hypnotism to get to those memories.

I've had the nagging thought that he molested me more in the morning - there have been a few times over the years when I've had an overwhelming feeling of dread when I enter certain bathrooms (the abuse I remember happened in bed). But it could also be because I went into his bathroom after he first started fondling me - and I was pretty upset then. But for quite some time I've wondered why I don't have more memories of what happened in the morning - especially given that I remember so much about the night before - and it's like my memories started again after a certain time the next morning.

I'm starting to wonder now if I was drugged by the guy. It would explain a lot.

It just isn't fair that I've had to deal with this for so long. The entire incident is starting to fade in my mind - I feel like I'm getting better - but it's had an impact on my life - I've struggled to understand what happened.

[TheGal]

Oh @shakespeare47, I'm so sorry you were abused.

You were just a kid, it's not your fault, you didn't ask for it....

I can understand why it still haunts you till this day. I'm mid-50s and still have childhood trauma... I think what makes it so difficult is that we were so vulnerable and there is a lack of justice, and closure.

It is possible you were drugged, or perhaps blocked out the memories... that's your psyche's way of defending itself.

I'm not so sure knowing everything that happened will bring you peace, but if you are still having flashbacks, have you considered EFT tapping?

There's a show on Netflix called "Heal" with a segment about EFT-tapping which I found interesting.

Maybe it could help?

Also, talking to other survivors of abuse might be helpful or perhaps not, I guess it depends where you're at, the supports you have around you, and how such a group in moderated.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I wish you peace and healing on your journey...

Hugs, if wanted.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

I've written about it several times over the years on this forum...

When I was about 10 years old (I'm 57 now) I was molested by a man who did some work on our house. I remember being interested in the work he was doing (the work took him a few days) and he asked my parents if he could take me to a movie when he was done. My dad didn't want me to go to the movie because of his religious convictions, but said it would be okay if I spent the night instead.

During the night he started sexually molesting me. I have very vivid memories what happened that day - I remember him picking me up, what we did before we went back to his apartment, etc. and I remember being molested. But I don't remember the rest of the night, and I don't remember what I did in the morning. I don't remember getting up, getting dressed... I don't remember leaving the apartment. I do remember eating breakfast (but kinda fragmented memories) at a restaurant and when I was in my 20's I could have told you which restaurant - I could have brought you to the man's apartment building.

Assuming I slept through the rest of the night without incident - there are a couple of hours in the morning that are virtually a blank. Basically - I remember being molested - I remember being scared and then trying to fall back to sleep. Then the next vivid memory is after breakfast when he let me drive his truck with his assistance and then being dropped off at our house. There are a couple of fragmented memories of the restaurant... but that's about all I remember of that morning.

I first told a counselor about what happened in the late 1980's- and she was convinced I had repressed memories - and tried to use hypnotism to get to those memories.

I've had the nagging thought that he molested me more in the morning - there have been a few times over the years when I've had an overwhelming feeling of dread when I enter certain bathrooms (the abuse I remember happened in bed). But it could also be because I went into his bathroom after he first started fondling me - and I was pretty upset then. But for quite some time I've wondered why I don't have more memories of what happened in the morning - especially given that I remember so much about the night before - and it's like my memories started again after a certain time the next morning.

I'm starting to wonder now if I was drugged by the guy. It would explain a lot.

It just isn't fair that I've had to deal with this for so long. The entire incident is starting to fade in my mind - I feel like I'm getting better - but it's had an impact on my life - I've struggled to understand what happened.

I should mention that 2 counselors in the last 20 years or so suggested that I may have been drugged, based on my description of my memories of that morning - and it does fit well with my experiences.

I kinda wish I had just let it go - that I had stopped wondering and looking for answers... It's been a sore point with my parents and other family members. They have let me know that they wanted me to let it go. But I didn't. I kept wondering about it and talking to therapists about it.

I recently told my parents that I was surprised that we as a family didn't try to figure out who the guy was when I first told me parents about it when I was in my mid 20's. That situation also puzzled me. During that same time my dad said to me "my mom thought that guy was weird - she had heard stories about him" - suggesting that he told her enough details that she knew who he was - and that he was well known in the town where she lived. I still don't know whether he told her before I was molested (in which case why in the world let me spend the night with him?) or after - in which case, why didn't he report the guy to the police? When I was in my early fifties, I asked him to help me figure out the guy's name because I wanted to figure out for myself and tell the authorities. My dad was very uncooperative, and suggested that I shouldn't even try.

I asked him a few months ago why he didn't help me back then, and he unapologetically told me it was because he felt guilty.

[shakespeare47]

I was apprehensive before the Cardioversion I described in another thread. Even after all these years, the thought of being in a room, while people did things to me while I was unconscious - made me uneasy. I didn't put it together until later - but I was apprehensive, and I think that's probably why. It did help that my wife was right outside.