[gloria]

This is crazy, my t shared with me that my h has issues ( no kidding). She thinks he might be OCD and ADD, he also has serious problems in regards to putting himself in contact with his feelings.
So, all the ****** (sorry) I've been through for 13 years, should I forgive and now be understanding and loving?

OH-MY-GOD.

So there, now do you still think he is abusive? Now there is a "medical excuse".

gab

[dexter]

gloria I haven't been following your whole story, but I do believe that a diagnosis is not an "excuse" for past behavior. It helps to explain it, it is a VERY good thing as it give something to work toward, but it doesn't excuse. We all make choices in life, he chose to "express" his problems, whatever they were, in an abusive way, and he also chose not to seek help for those problems a long time ago (I am assuming here).

As people with emotional difficulty we are often in the same boat... we know there is something wrong and yet we are reluctant to call our T or seek help... that is a part of the illness. But if and when our actions harm others I do not believe that it is OK to use that as an excuse.

As far as forgiving him... while maybe it is OK to take this new turn of events into consideration, it still has to be a decision made in your best interest. If you are afraid he is going to continue to hurt you, you have to protect yourself. If you believe he will no longer be abusive, you still may not be able to look at him without recalling hurtful memories. This is entirely your call, and you are under no "obligation" to forgive or forget any of his actions.

On another level, remember that "forgivness" is something we grant internally. We can decide to forgive or decide not to forgive. But that decision does not have to effect is externally, as in guiding our actions. You may forgive him because if may give you peace to do so, for example (not that that will necessarily be the case) but that doesn't mean that you have signed a contract to behave as if none of the hurt existed. "Forgiving" and "forgetting" are two different things.

You ask about being understanding and loving... also two different things. This new information may help you "understand" him, maybe that will be helpful for you, maybe not. But "loving" is a feeling, and it is not your decision to turn it on or off. It just is. When deciding what actions you may want to take... with regard to him and also with regard to your wellness plan for yourself... listen to your heart.

{{{{{{gloria}}}}}}

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--http://www.idexter.com

[Butterfly_Faerie]

{{{{{{Gloria}}}}}}

<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[SweetCrusader]

((((gloria))))) yes i do still think he's abusive. having such issues does NOT excuse abusive behavior. many of us on here struggle with our own psychological issues, but do not abuse others. you can have compassion for him and his problems, but without losing compassion for yourself and without excusing his UNACCEPTABLE behaviors. that's something that i've worked on a LOT in therapy- trying to balance all the feelings you have for your abusers. you can feel love and compassion for them AND anger and hatred at the same time. whatever you feel, it is ok for you to feel. and it is NEVER ok to abuse someone else, regardless of what a person is dealing with.

there's a song i really like that says "between violence and silently seething, between my fist and my pollyanna flower. between *&$# to your face and it's alright, between war and denial." i relate to that a lot, because I have the tendency to want to either "silenty seethe" and suffer and deny that i'm suffering and deny that anyone did me any harm. i have the tendency to want to excuse my abusers actions because of their own struggles. and it's ok for me to feel this way sometimes. it's a component of the relationship. but if i let that take over, it is damaging to myself, and it doesn't help them at all either. it doesn't help anyone. and it leaves me open for future abuse. adversely, i also sometimes feel like anger, counter-attacks, "*&%$ you", etc. and this is ok, too. it's also a natural response to abuse. but i don't have to let that take over either. i don't have to be hateful and attack in return. i DO have to process the feelings, and that's what therapy is for! but i don't have to let either side of the coin take over my life. i need to balance compassion for others, compassion for myself, HONESTY about the situation (particularly about the bad stuff that has harmed me), and a healthy dose of reality.

does that make sense?

Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[gloria]

I just discovered that you and I have a lot more in common than I thought.
I spend a lot of energy trying to find reasons for his behavior, something that can be a good excuse because I still, after all we've been through, don't believe he means to hurt. This recent possible diagnosis just gave me that. So, I feel I should be understanding and caring, but I am also tired of already being that for so long.

I'll have therapy today ( thank goodness ). I'll talk to my t about how I'm feeling, and I'll also talk about how I feel in regards to her approach to my marriage and him. I'll be brave in her office. It is a safe place for me to be brave.

gab

[SweetCrusader]

((((gloria))))) I'm glad you have therapy today, and that you will talk about all this with your T.

Does she know a lot about abuse? Some T's are really amazing with it, and others just don't understand (often because they haven't been there). My T is really, really good with this stuff. It's her specialty.

I hope you can process all the feelings without hurting or discounting your own self. Good luck!

Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[gloria]

She's good with abuse issues.
She is good also about perceiving my feelings. She told me she didn't think it was going to work having Marriage T with her, first of all, because she didn't think we should stay together, and second because it didn't make sence for her to be my t and the marriage t. Last, she also said she didn't think it would work for her to be my h's t. Mostly because he won't open up to her ( he thinks she's on my side) and second because she is mine!

W-O-W! I am happy about this. However, today's session was a very hard one. She pretty much questioned what am I waiting for? I clearly know what I want. She understands why and is ready to support me and the kids, etc. I felt like I was being attacked by a shark! A caring shark if you will, but certainly a shark...

gab

[wisewoman]

Gloria, I have been watching this thread but have kept quiet because my reaction was strong due to my own issues. I am glad your T told you it wasn't okay for her to work with both of you. It's not. I am also glad she was confronting you about staying where you are being abused, in a loving way. I hope she will back up and help you process this all now because you will move at your own speed and ultimately make the decision you feel is best for you and the kids when you are ready. Good luck and please be safe.

[Maya]

All of these other posts are correct - there is NO EXCUSE for harming someone, regardless of any psychological problem. My husband is depressed (as I am) but I have never harmed him. In the past he used to get physical with me and I have my own problems dealing with that but lately it is all verbal. And, yes, I forgive him in my heart because to harbor resentment only creates more problems. I am working with my T on these issues - how to relate to him in order not to set him off. Most of the time we get along fine but when he sinks down I am aware and stay out of his way. I am slowly learning with the help of my T how to deal with my own anger and frustration from childhood abuse but after 33 years with my husband I am unwilling to give up on our relationship. We still have a lot of fun and laughter together when he is not depressed. But the decision to stay or go ultimately rests with you. You have to weigh out all the good points and all the bad points and see where the balance lies. To feel compassion is good but don't confuse the compassion for passivity and stay in an abusive relationship that could cause you serious harm. Talk to your T about all of this. Try to get your mate to go into therapy. And BE CAREFUL not to put yourself at risk. All of us who suffered childhood abuse are vulnerable to either being victims or abusers ourselves. I had chosen to be a victim but with the help of my T I am gradually becoming neither - but a person in my own right with the right to demand of others their respect for me as a separate human being.

The vision of your goodness will sustain me through the cold
Take my hand now to remember when you find yourself alone
You are never alone… (John Denver)
Mars

[shakes]

Gloria,
I am so so so sorry that I have not been able to respond to this post until now. I was housesitting for my grandmother all last week and did not have access to a computer.
First and foremost you need to listen to your heart. Having a mental illness is NO EXCUSE for Domestic Violence. Second IMHO this is no reason to try to fix things with him. Batterers do not get better unless they are in a batterer program, and even then I for one believe that "once a batterer always a batterer." I do not think that they can be completely treated without an intensive program. Thirdly I strongly feel that you need to find another T. This situation is not turning out to be a healthy one for you.
This is about you and your kids and this man is not good for any of you. If he is willing to go into a program then maybe things could work...maybe, but do not let your T tell you that ADHD is the reason why he is behaving the way that he is. Being abusive is a choice.

Take care sweetie and I am here,
Jessica

"Take these chances. Place them in a box until a quieter time..." ~DMB