[phoenix47baby]

My brother says he believes that my father (his idol) molested me, but he continues to align himself with the perpetrator (my father) and my mother (the silent partner). I have not been able to resolve the anger that I have for my brother since he still continues to see my folks. It is like a slap in the face for him to do this. He is just pushing everything under the carpet. I know he had a different childhood than mine, but he knows the horrible things our father did to me and he still has a relationship with him. What do I do?

[WePow]

((((( safe hugs to Phoenix )))))) It sounds like your brother might be in a real bind with this. It is hard for the one being abused to sometimes love the parent and hate them at the same time for what was done. I have that problem. It is sometimes very difficult for siblings who were not abused to be able to internally process the facts of the situation as well. Did you talk with your brother about how you feel?

[reg12]

Do not push him away would be the first thing I would suggest. He is your brother. Always remember that.

Originally Posted by phoenix47baby

My brother says he believes that my father (his idol) molested me, but he continues to align himself with the perpetrator (my father) and my mother (the silent partner). I have not been able to resolve the anger that I have for my brother since he still continues to see my folks. It is like a slap in the face for him to do this. He is just pushing everything under the carpet. I know he had a different childhood than mine, but he knows the horrible things our father did to me and he still has a relationship with him. What do I do?

[perpetuallysad]

phoenix, that is really hard. I think reg12 is right, try not to push him away. Just maintain a relationship that is separate from your parents.

I have twin sisters one I love the other I hate she really is the evil twin ....

Thing in the evil one was married and condoned my sexualy abusive brother in law so I have nothing to do with her. The nice twin loves her twin and sees her often. Am I to cut her off ? I cant I just don't talk about the evil one at all.

[phoenix47baby]

Thank you, everyone for your loving support and advice. Gosh, I try to maintain a relationship with him but I am just so darned angry that he can side with them. Our relationship consists of shallow e-mails maybe one every five or six months, just to let
him know I am alive. That doesn't seem right, but it is all that I can handle for now.
Thank you for reading. phoenix47baby

Originally Posted by phoenix47baby

My brother says he believes that my father (his idol) molested me, but he continues to align himself with the perpetrator (my father) and my mother (the silent partner). I have not been able to resolve the anger that I have for my brother since he still continues to see my folks. It is like a slap in the face for him to do this. He is just pushing everything under the carpet. I know he had a different childhood than mine, but he knows the horrible things our father did to me and he still has a relationship with him. What do I do?

Yes and if I could say that F'd up big f'n time.
As children we tried to tell people, but no one would believe us.
But now when they see all four of us girls in are 40's all on social security it has to say SOMETHING was Definitely messed up. No doubt about.
One sister and a grandson still have contact with her. I don't get it.
But the sister is FINALLY coming around as she is dying of liver no longer working - cuz JUDY started her drinking when she was 11 - brought her a case of beer.... What a nice Mommie Dearest.
So if people don't believe you and the people that hurt you are still pretending nothing happened - they will get their just reward - 7 times 7 will be their punishment and they will not be able to deny that.
I know I wished and still well you know kinda still want to see her get her's now - But dang
And the witch is still living.. If people believe or - you don't need them

[phoenix47baby]

thank you, starlite. Well said! Sending good thoughts to you.
Thank you for reading. phoenix47

[reg12]

I know this is hard for you. When you can, be strong and work on this between just you two. It is very important to maintain that connection that you have with him, even if it is challenging.

Originally Posted by phoenix47baby

Thank you, everyone for your loving support and advice. Gosh, I try to maintain a relationship with him but I am just so darned angry that he can side with them. Our relationship consists of shallow e-mails maybe one every five or six months, just to let
him know I am alive. That doesn't seem right, but it is all that I can handle for now.
Thank you for reading. phoenix47baby

[Luce]

P47, I am sorry you are struggling so hard with this.
In my own family there are a lot of abusers and a lot of victims. I maintain a shallow relationship with one of my brother's perpetrators, whilst my brother has cut this person out of his life. I wonder if my brother feels the same towards me as you do towards your own brother?

There are a lot of different reasons why I maintain a surface relationship with this perpetrator, but my loyalty always lies with my brother. Despite the fact that I still see this perp, there is not a time that I do that I do not think about and feel disgusted about what he has done to my brother. In fact, making sure I think about it and remember is a way for me to honor my brother during those times I am in the presence of this man.

Before your brother knew what your father had done to you, he had a lifetime of experiences and relationships with this man. Relationships with parents are perhaps the most important of one's life. I am so glad your brother believes what happened - that is a huge thing, for both him and you. It is also a huge thing for a person to reject someone who has been there for their entire life, even when it is revealed they have done something as horrific as incest.

I read once that being forced to change one's life view or beliefs, such as evidence that confronts one religious views, is one of the most difficult things for a human being to negotiate emotionally. That is why there are so many wars about religion - it's just too hard for human beings to alter their *entire* world view... so much easier to defend one's own set of beliefs to the death.
My point here is, knowing what your father did to you may have seriously challenged your brother's world view, especially if he had no idea or *his* view of his childhood was happy or neutral. It is to his credit that he believes you and is willing to take this information in. For him to fully accept it and integrate it into his 'world view' will take a huge shift, which may take time.

Your question was - what do I do?
What I would do is give him time. Lots of time. He has a lot to process, and a lot to grieve as well. Asking him to cut his father out of his life may simply be too much for him at this point... and that doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't fully support you. It may just mean that for a whole bunch of reasons he just isn't ready to do that yet.. and may never be.

But please remember that his choice to see his father does NOT mean he doesn't believe or support you. And that his choice to see his father does NOT mean that you can't allow him to still be a part of your life.

[phoenix47baby]

Thank you, Luce for that stunning explanation. I get it now. I think my wish is for my brother to come forward and tell me that his loyalty remains with me, not our father. That is my wish. I hope, one day he will be able to see things like you do and is as moved as you are with your feelings towards the actions that affected your brother. You are a wise person and very caring. Thank you...
phoenix47baby

[VickiesPath]

As I'm dealing with the fact that my mother abused me when I was young, I am revealing this to my sister only at this time. She is four years younger than me and probably did not remember anything. Whether or not any of my siblings would believe me or not is up for grabs, as my mother did it when they were not around and I do not plan to tell anyone else at this time. I only sent my sister an email today. If she chooses to doubt my claim, then it's no skin off my nose. My family never, ever helped me when I was sick in my adult life. My mom and dad helped me move once 20 years ago. My brothers and sister never once came to help me or came to see me when I was sick. So, it won't matter if they choose to abandon my claim.

[phoenix47baby]

Vickie,

I wish I was as strong as you!!!

[Aunt Donna]

I understand what you are saying. My sister and I were both sexually molested by our father. Our mother divorced him. We have nothing to do with him, but our brother does. He knows what he did and knows he has done it to other girls, but yet he continually sees him and leaves his three daughters there to spend the night. My sister and I have big problems with this. We are worried about the girls. My sister has keep her two daughters away from the man and doesn't acknowledge him as any relation to the family. As far as they are concerned, my father-in-law is their other grandfather. My sister and I have been blessed with terrific father-in-laws and husbands who understand. We are trying to keep a half-way friendly relationship with our brother for the girls sake. He knows how we feel. Thing is, we don't trust him either. Our grandfather was a child molester, also. Plus our brother was on probation for it when he was 17. Personally, we are ready to tar and feather him and get the girls from all of them. To me, a woman who stays with a man who does this , is guilty too.

[VickiesPath]

Honestly, it has little to do with strength and more to do with knowing where my support lies. I love my brothers and sister. But they are entitled to remember my mother in their own way. My truth is my truth. I have support in my husband, my T, my support group and where ever I find it. But asking my siblings to believe something that they might object to at this time is more trouble than I'm willing to take on.

[phoenix47baby]

Thanks, phoenix and faylowell.

Faylowell, you deserve to have a supportive husband and father-in-law. Good Work getting through this. :-)

Phoenix, I still give you credit for your strength. You are a good example for me. :-)

phoenix47baby

[VickiesPath]

Now that I've shot my mouth off, I have to live up to it. My sister wrote back and said she "won't go down this path with me." She wants to spend the rest of her years "living in the present." Oh, well. I guess the family trait of denial runs deep.

[phoenix47baby]

Hi phoenix,

I think it is easier to go down the denial road. It is too painful otherwise. I am sorry that your sister has made that decision. Hang in there. phoenix47baby PS I think my brother is in the same boat as your sister.