[cowgirls_dont_cry]

Sorry for this being way too long but I need to get this out to someone
This isn't even all..There was one time He was really drunk , he was angry and made me and my children plus his daughter which were all 10 and under get into the, I asked him to let me drive as I was not drinking he said no very angrily. On the way to drop his daughter off at her mothers he lost control of the car and hit a guard rail on the bridge in which my daughter hit her head in the the window in which he refused doctor care.. I had an old frind in 2005 show up.. he was worried about me as her heard what me and the children were going through. He wanted to get me out and then he sent me a message while I was at work.. I never heard them but the rest of the world did including our children.. I guess they were love message.. Well instead of talking to me about this he came to my work place in the middle of the night, he had taken my car, cell, and bank card and left me stranded. I thought someone stole my car and I called him. He made it very clear I was not allowed to come home or near our children including mine from a previous relationship. She was very young and petrified.. I called the police and they took me home. When I got into the house my daughter was cry histarically.. She said mommy.. daddy told me that I was not allowed to let you in the house.. THis was about 2-3 am in the morning.. This is a child that is 100% mamas girl..the next morning i sent our children to school so he did not expect anything and I ran.. that did not go over well at all.. My mother about a month later convinced me to go home.. I went stupidly and the first chance he had he grabbed the kids and hid them out at my mothers than signed them over to her through child welfare.. My whole world came crashing down.. (during this time at home He was pushing for sex. I kept telling him no I am not ready.. I taken 3 sleeping pilss and went to bed with my clothes n. I woke up at 6:30 in the morning with him finishing himself off in me.. I cried and looked at him and said I told you I was not ready.)this time I ran with my daughter that was not his.. I finally gave up and went back to him.. Took a few mongths to get our children back.. My mother kept telling me child welfare would take my kids from me if I was not with him and this is why she has done this she was protecting me.. she made things so much worse as they had him mentally unstable at this point and on medication.. It came to be a few months later and I started walking on egg shells again.. I decided to go back home and see my dad I hadnt seen for 19 years. I realize now tha tit was a huge mistake I should have not trusted him.. 4 days after leaving he changed the locks to my home, went and got a custody order lying and said he did not know where i was so he could not serve me yet a couple weeks after that he sent them to me via email..by the time I had gotten home my dad was so angry with me saying that everyone said I was having sex with my cousin and he was so disgusted with me.. This was not true at the time.. but by the time I was on my way back to alberta I had no home, no money, no food, no shelter and I lost my kids.. they gave him interm custody.. So my cousin ended up giving his life up to come and rescue me.. gave me a home, and he was really sweet about everything.. He tried so hard to keep me strong but I was so week, angry and the anger went black to the point I went and gotten myself on anti depressants. I got so week being without my children and going by his rules that I went back.. I week after I was back he exploded again telling me how much of a slut I was.. This went on for so many hours. He called my eldest daughter nothing but a ***** and her boyfriend stood up to him and he threated him to take his head off right there.. Well my daughter called the police. I was so scared of my children being taken away from childwelfare I panicked and we left the house..I couldnt even pick up the kids from daycare as I was crying so hard I had to get my ex sister in law to pick them up. I didnt want anybody to see me like this.. During this time my step daughter that was only 16 cared for my children.. her grades suffered and it was really hard on her.. she did the cooking cleaning and so forth.. I ended up running to a shelter with our children and had gotten a peace bond as well as interim custody.. Well the justice system failed me again and not even a week later he won custody be default.. He then got my ex sister in law to come into the house and take care of my children.. which all she does is scream ona constant basis, as well as fill my kids heads full of lies against me... These were 5 and 6 year olds.. They did not need to know what was happening nor did they need to hear a bunch of bad lies about their mommy.. It was getting longer and longer that he had the children that things became to look very bleak.. so here I am not able to get child ta due to him not allowing me to claim common law, he called the government and now I owe them well over 30 000.00 and that money went straight into the home to help keep the roof over my childrens head and food on the table.. he done absolutely anything he could to destrey me and left me in pieces.. Now it is 6 months and it is beginning again. My ex that helped me through everything, casey is demanding me to charge him with raping me even though he didnt.. he was my best suporter.. It has been 4 days without sleep. He has been at me day in and day out.. I realize some of my actions were irrational, but this was out of fear.. He even called child welfare on me and has them believing he is an upstanding citizen and I am the one that is unstable yet he is the one that keeps kicking me out and changing the locks..
He has told me time and time again that hed rather pay day care any day then to even have topay child support again.. If I am so bad why does he keep taking me back? My reasoning for coming back is for my childre.. Now that they are getting a tuch older they are asking their father why did he yell at me so much when we lived into the old house and as well daddy got mad and my second youngest care to me crying saying that daddy is scaring her.. these 2 youngest are our children.. but he won't stop with this trying to make me charge my ex as well as the tome he is using and the words he is saying that is making me out to be a slut.. 4 days.. and then last night.. he started in on me again and he was angry that the fact I was so upset that I was not in the mood for sex.. He kept calling himself down, saying I didnt love him, how I wont touch him which is also untrue, I just got off my monthly and then he has had me in a whilr wind for days.. before that we were having sex. but I told him that by acting like htis does not make me feel like having sex as well as I told him that a woman needs to be shown a little more care in order for them to feel like that they wanted sex. But he would not stop hurting me by these words until I finally gave in to him but I felt worthless and then I had gotten up this morning in tears and feeling very violated.. I feel like there is no way out he keeps using my children as a weapon and he had not once looked after them during the times he chose he did not want me or trust me.. I cannot go through another day without my children I need help and dont know where to turn as the system does not seem to be doing hteir job correctly..
I am sure I am missing more.. but I also am sending a letter to you that I sent to him explaining why I feel the way I do.. I talked to a sexual abuse counsler this morning she said that even being cohersed into having sex when you dont want to is still consedered sexual harrasment.. But I dont dare do anything because I am too afraid of what he may to as he seems to be becoming more and more unstable everyday, and he will make sure I lose my shildren again.. As well I am also a breeder and have some very expensive cats (this is my only income) and now have 2 puppies added to our family that I love very dearly too.. He says that I am using the fact that I was fearful as an excuse not to take any blame.. is it? I dont know what to do or if there is truly any help out there for me..
I am so sorry for this being so long but I need somebody out there to hear me.. I am so lost and no way out..
One last thing knowing that he would never allow me to move on with my life I tried to break up with him Sunday night after the torture of the weekend and told him that I could take the spare bedroom, we can stay in the same house and raise our children,, I know stupid but I do not have any answers and he said NO I am not breaking up with me yet he kept harrasiong me more about everything.. I told him that i loved him but I do not deserve to be treated this way and until he can get some help I did not want to be with him anymore.. I feel as though this is an obsession over me than it does have to do with our children...

[Lenny]

I am not familiar with the social services offered in Canada but please call your local police station and ask for a number for domestic abuse...there is generally a hotline available..

I cannot diagnose this man but I can his actions and they border on sociopathic...

For the sake of these little souls in your care please get some professional help...This man is capable of anything...

IMHO.

Lenny

[cowgirls_dont_cry]

He has manipulates social services into believing I am the one with the problem I cannot even turn to them.. They have me as a run away.. Unstable.. Yet he is the one who changes the locks and kicks me out..
Thank you for your respoce so quickly

[pachyderm]

Can you get a lawyer -- or is that too expensive?

[cowgirls_dont_cry]

I cannot afford to do this but I have made arangements for my pets and talked to the womans shelter they said they can help us.. its just finding space.. Hopefully they can get me legal aid or something
But I am so afraid.. for me and my children.. He has done everything in his power to make sure I don't have an income my only income is my breeder cats I have only one kitten to sell right now but I just got my self prepaired and breed all my females so the next litters are all due aproximatley the same time and that will help but it take 90 days for the kittens to be born and another 10 weeks although in this situation I could probably sell them at 8 weeks.. This all I have.. When I called the shelter I shook so badly and I cried for my fear of my children. my 7 year old came up to me the other day and said mommy I hate it when daddy makes you cry.. Please don't leave us.. I told her I would never ever leave them. and she said when you left daddy and brought us with you I hated it when daddy had taken us away from you...