'trigger' new here suffering severe emotional abuse possible sexual abuse trigge

Hi as I was doing some research I found this place.. I need somewheres to start but not sure..
Here the thing I am in a very emotional abusive relationship and my partner has made it very clear with his actions that there is no way out unlaess I give up my children in hwich I am not willing to do so..
I hope you don't mind long but here is a letter that I had written him

Dear **********
I wish you could understand my pain. I feel completely swallowed by your obsession and I don't much care for the terrorizing,
I know and realize that you have been hurt in all this and our family has suffered.. But I too hurt.. I wish you didn't think
that I am such a slut.. I also wish that you could understand that I can actually be friends with a guy and without having sex with them,
You can blame these guys for moving in on your territory if you want and I do completely understand this as well... But what
you still don't get was that I was consumed with hurt..and fear.. I am not trying to say your an a**hole..You can blame
whatever on your heartbreak of losing Reina. The truth is you never really lost her.. She has always loved you dearly..
You should not take that for granted.. She has always been yours even if you were not with her everyday.. Yes you may
have lost time with her but she still loved you no matter what... I have a very keen memory of things that has happened.
Like the day I jumped in the shower with you and tried to have sex with you so you wouldn't go have sex with Eldine..
I begged you not to go.. For god sake I was pregnant with your child.. I felt completely betrayed.. I also felt discusting
and dirty by allowing you to have sex with me knowing you were having sex with her... I felt used and like i was some
sort of dirty *****... You couldn't break free because you loved her.. She was your savior... The words of I'll never love
you as I will always love Eldine..This was after having sex with me... Imagine what that did to me.. How would you feel if I said
to you I could never love you because I will always love Brian.. What do you honestly think that would do to you...
Although it is not true but try and imagine it for a second... Imagine how I felt when you told your daughter that she was
nothing but a money hungry ***** like her mother (first she was only 10, snd how could you even say such a thing to her)..
Imagine the torture of you trying to figure out how alyssa wasn't yours.
Imagine how i felt when you screamed at me saying you would divorce your own child so you'd never have to pay child support again..
I wanted to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you..Imagine how frightened I was when you took don by the throat and held
him up against the wall.. I even lied to the cops for you that night.. The kids heard everything and they too were also very frightened..
I bet you didn't know that they were crying.. I had to keep cleaning up your mess.. Imagine the night when we went to BC when you
screamed at me saying I was nothing but a controlling ***** just like Lori.. And screaming to get my %#@&#! *** off the ground or
you'd drag me back to the hotel. All you could do was belittle me and for a couple of hours.. Imagine how I felt that very moment
when you said i wouldn't get anything for Alyssa for her Birthday, that I didn't love her.. Yes you said that.. Now tell me when I never
made sure that the kids had a good birthday or
Christmas.. Even if I had to beg or borrow... How long was it that I spent going to bed and you not coming to bed until 4 am..?
That was 4 hours of needing the time to relax after work? kind of unnessisary don't you think? Then you would not get up until
an hour of you having to get ready for work.. I was lonely and hurt.. I wanted time with you.. I was upset and very well deserved to be.
But you could not understand this..So then you stand over me and yell at me screaming until I collapsed again.. Then you scream
at me to get my %#@&#! *** up off the floor and get to %#@&#! work.. I was in no condition to work let alone drive.. When I was carrying
Alyssa Half the time you refused to take me to the hospital and I was having a bad pregnancy.. When you did you would go sit
and drink until you felt it was time to come and get me.. Then drive me and your unborn child home 3 sheets to the wind...
How do you think I felt when I came home from being in the hospital and you hand me stripper posters.. and you didn't have
the time to come and see me, yet you got mad because my friends would take me and they were male.. How do you think
that I would have gotten there? You didn't care one bit as long as you got want you needed and wanted... Boy talk about having your
cake and eating it too.. After we got back from Tims birthday party you were so drunk, and how did you think I felt when you
spanked Alyssa for crying.. She was only a year old for god sake.. I was so scared that I went and hid in the bedroom crying
because I could not take that... The funny part is that it is your rules.. You can do whatever you want but the other person
better follow your rules or else... isnt it what is good for the goose is good for the gander? I didn't have to be faithful.. But I was!!!
How do you think I feel about the lies that my family has told you about me and you would rather believe them over me...???
How do you think I felt when I was pregnant with Alyssa having to be on bed rest and all you could do was drink then I had to
come and get you when i was not supose to be on my feet and watching you throw your guts up.. very appatizing don't you
think?? then going out shopping with nick and I was stuck babysitting his children and no food in the house and you coming home
15 hours late?? I felt like a fool getting don to go to the store to get something for the kids to eat which was ravioli for supper...
Oh yes I even remember what he bought... So if you feel like an %#@&#! for doing this to our family then you deserve to feel this way..
It would be nice to see some sort of regret...than maybe I would know you are a little more human...
you were!!!!! you scared the hell out of me everytime you flipped out..all of this led up to 2005.. But I still deserve the way
you talked to me tonight? Yes I panicked and did things I shouldn't have... I agree.. there were other ways of dealing with it..
The night you left me stranded at work and told me that I was not allowed to come home to my children You could have handled that
a whole lot better so I panicked. I was so afraid of going through the loss of my son all over again but with my girls...The last 2.5
years has been a roller coaster.. When I came back this time I was actually sincere.. Watching my grandson being born, wishing
you were there beside me.. Realizing how much I still loved you.. The anger had faded right then and there, then there was a hole
in my heart... But tonight you helped me relive everything... Actually since this morning... I want to forgive you but your actions
like they were makes it a little difficult... I am trying here... Nothing I do has ever made you happy and I am not sure it ever will..
Maybe your heart is still in another place...another time... And then telling me that if you could do it over you would have not left Laurie
like me having your children never meant a thing... Then I have to wonder why are you still with me... because you are doing it over
and staying with me??? Plus making me out to be a two bit ***** didn't help at all as it brought back the memory of the night
of you telling me I slept with 19 guys in one month.. Not only is that not true but that was a very harsh way of belittling me...
How can you even look at yourself in the mirror knowing you have treated the woman you suposedly love and the mother to your children
this way? Is it easier to blame everyone else maybe you aught to take a long hard look at yourself??? I bet your thinking right now, if I was such an
%#@&#! why are you still with me??? well one I love you.. I loved you since the moment i layed eyes on you, 2 you are the father of my
children which makes me love you that much more...Oh and one more thought... The night you went to Eldines when I went there your
hair was all messed up I could tell you just finished having sex with her, plus the time you had taken to get to the door.. Guess you
had to hurry to put your clothes back on..huh? I caught you in the act.. imagine how that made me feel... So allow that anger
consume you and keep treating me like this maybe you can complete your effort in destroying what we have left and what is
left of me... Then maybe you can be really proud of yourself... I guess I deserve it though right? Tell me who is it you truly love
or is it in you to love completely.. or is it the possesion you love??? So yes I hurt you.. And yes I allowed the ending result
but this has been panic mode for me.. I went without my son and little to no contact for most of his life and I am not supose to
be scared that yet again I would be consumed with emptiness all over again and yeah add the double consumtion... Our 2 daughters.
and don't forget how you were even going to try and keep chantal from me.. I still hear her voice today crying at 2 or 3 am in the morning
bawling her eyes out saying daddy told me not to let you in the house that you were not allowed to ever come home... I think
that was the last time she ever called you daddy.. You can blame no one but yourself for that... you destroyed her little heart..
She has never been the same since... So you want everybody to forgive you but you expect not to forgive anyone else,, How is this right?
Maybe this letter might make you open your eyes a little more than again it just might make you angrier.. which i hope not but knowing
you you will switch everything around on me like you always do trying to blame me for things I never did...you just assumed and had to
believe the worst in me.. I really think it makes it easier for you to live with yourself.. So if I ain't boo whoing over how hurt you were over
what laurie did to you I am sorry..As you had taken it out on our family since the beginning.. Which was a week or 2 after we started
dating when you blew up at me just because I was making friends with Reina .. What did you say?or scream might I add... I was just like your
exwife and all i wanted to do was steal your daughter too. you blocked me in the stairway of your basement..So if I am a little hurt or a whole lot
than maybe you aught to understand why.....BTW.. I did not come back just for our daughter nor did I come back just for you...
This is not about any one person........ this is about a family............
But this is it for now until you freak out on me for this............there is more but i think this is enough........
again I love you.. try to have a better day... I will see you when I pick you up.......
Love Kimberly
I hope

I once was told something wise
WITH EVERY ACTION THERE IS A REACTION
as well as