Abusive father -- issues have come back

Hello everyone. I am 41, married to a meth addict -- who is currently in rehab. He's 26. Yes, big age differance! We have a 15 month old daughter and I have a 10 year old daughter from my 1st marriage. I love him dearly -- but he's got a bad addiction. We're trying to stay married. I'm a Christian.

My father was/is abusive to me. He was keeping our 15 month old and was GREAT ----- with her. Although he spoiled her, didn't feed her "food" -- just bottles all day, etc. Well, she got sick and ended up in the hospital last week with ashtma -- she's ok now - but it caused a HUGE blow up with my family. My dad got REALLy defensive about all of it. They have 4 cats and a dog and she can't be around all that anymore. AND he needs to be feeding her. I tried to speak to them about all this and he got nasty and mean --- like he always does towards me whenever I try to talk to him. Or rather --- correct him.

Everybody is afraid of him. He's isolated from every family member.

I have always felt my dad is SEVERELY depressed --- like chemical imbalance type of depression. And, possibly more – like a mental illness. It runs in our family – his family bigtime. I think his anger is a result of my in-laws coming up to the hospital to see Candice and he got jealous. He is very jealous and defensive. He has no friends and none of our family has anything to do with him because he’s so mean. He calls it being “honest” – but it’s rude and mean the way he talks to everyone. My mom’s sister lives in North Georgia and my mom has not spoken to her in years – hasn’t seen her in years. Because my dad doesn’t like her. She’s a nice lady, has a nice husband, etc. --- I saw them at my grandmother’s funeral – that was it. My dad just isolates himself and my mom from everything and everybody. My mom has her job – that is her only outside contact.

Growing up my dad called me a ***** from the time I started “developing”. I was home sick one day from school – I was 11 – I remember him YELLING downstairs to my mom that I was probably pregnant and what a ***** I was. This went on until I was a teenager. Then I pretty much was never there, I was out partying or at a boyfriend’s house. I moved out at 21. After I moved out he pretended it never happened. They would come visit me at my apartments and wonder why I never came over, etc. I told my mom about the way he treated me and she says she doesn’t think it really happened. She is in huge denial because I’m sure she feels guilty for allowing it to happen. My dad beat me in the head, beat me with a leather belt --- for things no kid should be beat for. I know kids get whipped – but he BEAT me. I remember one time asking if I could spend the night out – he said no – they rarely let me spend the night out – I cried and he beat me with a belt. That was typical. And, he would tell me I looked like a ***** when I went skating, etc.

I have depression, tried to kill myself in 1995, have only ever dated abusive men or ones who are alcoholic/drug addicts. I've had LOTS of issues that have stemmed from my father abusing me.

Soooo -- as it stands right now -- we are not on speaking terms (which I'm FINE with). I'm looking for other daycare arrangements. It was getting more and more uncomfortable for me to take her over there anyway because he wasn't feeding her food and whenever I asked about it he got mad (typical) and said "she won't eat". Whatever.

I have found that the only time I feel "good" about myself and my life is when I have -0- contact with my family. But, my mother makes me feel guilty -- she will eventually call after one of these "episodes" with my dad --- say how he's sooooooooo depressed and feels so bad. But, HE will never - ever call and apologize. He just expects me to come over and everybody play pretend -- like it never happened. I just can't do it anymore. My husband is in a Christian home getting better and we plan on living a REAL and healthy lifestyle when he gets out. I don't want anymore of this playing pretend with my family.

Thank you!

Susan

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gamommy said:I have found that the only time I feel "good" about myself and my life is when I have -0- contact with my family. But, my mother makes me feel guilty -- she will eventually call after one of these "episodes" with my dad --- say how he's sooooooooo depressed and feels so bad.

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It sounds to me as though the less contact you have with them for now, the better. Maybe you could limit it to telephone only for the time being, until you decide otherwise.