questions about rape vs molestation and age - very triggering i would think

ok.. im not quite sure what the point of trigger icons are in here.... in this forum wouldn't one expect everything to be more or less triggering? Is there a non-triggering abuse discussion?

anyway.. the reason i am writing this is to ask a question that plagues me, and i think it is society engrained and sanctioned. We aren't far away from those years when "she asked for it because she dressed that way." My question is about public perception and acceptance of sexual behaviour in minors.

Ok.. everyone knows that sexual contact of any sort with a three year old is molestation... intercourse is rape, no question, it's sexual abuse. If a 19 yr old has sex with a 16 yr old (depending on where you live) then it's considered statuatory rape if she consented, or if nonconsent cannot be established (something i saw recently basically said that prosecutors will just pursue statuatory charges to be certain of conviction, and possibly to spare the vicitim's character). Ok.. so when and where does one thing become another? Sexual contact with an 8yr old - definitely molestation/rape, 10 yr old = same...13? 14? 15?

when do we begin to think the victim is not a victim? If the laws are in place bc a 14 yrs old isn't supposed to be able to give informed consent, then why do we cal it statuatoryif sex occurs, and nothing at all if only sexual contact occurs. How does the age of the offender factor into this?
what is it when a 19 yr old stalks and lures a 13yr old? if she is convonced he is her "boyfriend" and goes along with things.. is that rape? just statuatory? molestation?

what about girls who are 15 but are being lured by men in their mid-twenties? Is that just statuatory? Are these very young girls victims of molestation? sexual abuse? rape? If the guy is 25 and is having major sexual contact, without intercourse, with a 15 yr old - what is that? Does it matter if the girl is drugged or drunk? Does that even matter at all in any of these? Is she less of a victim(target) if she is sober? How drunk does she have to be for it to affect the way it is viewed?

what should these girls feel about this? how responsible should they feel?

any unwanted sexual behavior is abuse... age doesn't make a difference... NO means NO.
i struggle with responsibility... one of my abusers stopped for several years and it started again when i was 13-15... he had me convinced that it was my fault ... and that i made him.... i am trying to replace those lies with the truth... he was a man in his 40's... i was 7or 8 when it started... how could i have made him... how could i have stopped him...lyn

The younger, weaker, less experienced person is to be protected. That is a basic rule of society.

Anyone who imposes any sexual action on a younger or weaker or inexperienced person is an abuser.

Children are to be protected from the adult sexual world, it is wrong to sexualize a child and open doors too soon - especially since they can't be closed. One can't go back to before sexual contact.

It is never the child's fault, never, never, never. The guilt and shame are ALL on the older/abuser!!!

Defining the words and trying to put age experience limits won"t bring you peace. Any older person who involves you into sexual activities as a child is a sexual offender/predator. IT'S ABUSE.

Healing can and does happen. It is worth the effort and discomfort to find a way to deal with the past. I wish you healing and help.

Leslie

i cant yet even describe my own situation. i cant even speak what happened with me. The above questions touch a nerve, obviously. And yeah, my fault, right? T and i are just starting past stuff.. and it will be a while of wading through things before we even get to anything sexual, regardless of age.

i just cant seem to wrap my head around these ideas... isn't it worse if the child is 10 vs 14? Is it as damaging? Coersion vs. force.. is one worse?

thank you for responding... i hear what you both are saying.. but i just cant get my head around it. It does help to hear things verbalized and validated though. Thank you.

Candika ,
I don't know the answers to your questions. But I wanted to let you know that I am struggling with them at the moment too. Coersion, force, consensual, age differentials, physical harm vs. emotional harm...what later decisions were related not related.

I'm starting to get that verbalization and feeling it maybe be important to actually accepting it and healing. But I just can imagine, even after a year of therapy, ever being about to put word to what is going on in my head.

yeah.. do you find the larger picture/terms/concepts easy to accept, but then the individual circumstances totally unacceptable? i do. Like someone could say that luring a 13yr old into sexual activity is abuse/assault... or luring/coersion of any minor by any nonminor is molestation.. and i could be swayed to agree, and would whole heartedly agree when talking about someone else. But if you begin to look at my own situation(s) then it breaks down. Suddenly the responsibility shifts and the concepts blur.

T says this is about my belief in my basic rights... or lack of rights. He says i apply one set of rules to everyone else and another to myself.

i just don't know. A year and a half with this T plus 6 months with the first one.. and i still have trouble with words that others use freely. i just don't know if i can ever crawl out of this. Maybe i am just not capable of grasping or applying this stuff.

If anybody forces anybody to do anything sexual that they don't want to do, then it's wrong.
It doesn't matter if you're four, fourteen, or forty. Obviously the forty-year-old has a better chance of fighting off an attacker than the four-year-old, but it's still molestation. It's still rape.
The second that someone says "No, I don't want to do this" and someone keeps going, it becomes something that is illegal.
No exceptions.