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#1
Sep 18, 2008, 08:47 PM
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When I went to the Body Work T..... wed.. I was very sick... all of my alters screaming in my mind... my "littles"... 3,5,6,8 year old children....
and.... I "lost" myself.. screaming.. and screaming on the outside... the T trying to find "me"... trying to "ground" me.. to get me from the past.. back.. into the present... A very tough job.. because I had jst been traumatized... that previous evening... so... my mind shattered....once again.... I knew.. that my Mom... had always put me in the bath tub.. to ease the pain after my father... and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt.. that she.. pushed me into the room.. to do what she herself could not do... so many words for the same act... and.. yet it.. is "just a penis"... and "just a little girls mouth".... and the man's penis.. my father's.. so huge.. in comparison to .. my "little girl's mouth"..... The revuslion... I feel... the gagging I feel.. the... taste never to be forgotten....the feel of the slime... the smell... the look of the hugeness of his penis.. in comparison to me... a little girl... People "joke"... does "size" really matter... and yes... size really matters to a little girl... how much it hurts.... how sore.. her mouth... how sore her throat... it matters... it matters a great deal...... So... my mind.. has the image... of a penis.. from a "little girls persepective".... I see it... in my adult mind.. it makes.. no sense.. yet I see it.... as it was.. back then...not.. as a penis.. looks to my adult mind today.... and.. I think of my Mom.... too weak... to deny my father..... the act that he wanted... so weak.. that she sent me.. to give my father.. what he wanted... My mom.. always... gave my father what he wanted.. always.. in everything.. so this no different... My mom... a weak... damaged person... I feel so very sorry for you.. I feel such great sadness for you Mom... I am so very sorry... it must have been so very hard to see your little girl in pain... and I wish I could tell you.. it was ok Mom.. I understand... I wish you were alive so I could give you peace.... yet... you would not have understood.. you were so "out of your mind"... a weak person... not an evil person.... sadness in my DID... "system".. |
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#2
Sep 18, 2008, 10:12 PM
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((((((freewill)))))) i understand
__________________
lyn one could do worse then be a swinger of birches. ~robert frost~
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#3
Sep 18, 2008, 10:17 PM
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(((((((((((((((freewill))))))))))))) you are so strong.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut 
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#4
Sep 19, 2008, 11:14 AM
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(((((((((((Freewill)))))))
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