.... there isso much crap that goes with it . Firstly, i'm speaking for myself here BTW ....... i question EVERYTHING everyone says to me. Are they genuine, am i gullible ...... do they mean it ...... what if they are laughing at me because i am so gullible ..... etc etc

Survivors have had the stuffing knocked out of them emotionally. Personally i have been this way since the abuse started at the grand old age of 8.

I don't/cant take compliments, just feel so unworthy of them and if people dont know the circumstances it is so ungracious. I struggle to believe that anyone truly likes me, let alone loves me, i say this from the heart because my brain refuses to believe it. I am not asking for ay replies saying to the contrary, this is not attention seeking, i am just being honest and felt the need to get it out. I always think people have other motives, i'm suspicious. Then when i have trusted, it takes a lot, i'm let down again, which leads me to believe i should never trust anyone again in my whole life .... but then i wouldn't heal would i .....

It's so darned hard. People say things then their actions just dont match up to what they are saying ..... or is it my own mind that is putting such untrustworthy judgements on everything ..... right now i just want to scream out my frustration.

My brain is totally wired up all wrong and trying to fix it is like having several different coloured balls of wool all entangled with no ends showing.

To think this is going to go on for the forseeable future scares the heck out of me ....... but to go back to 'masking it' is worse .... the eventual outcome is what's keeping me going, i just wish i wasn't so scared of everything and everyone. I wish i could believe what people say and not think they are up to no good .......

sigh .... thanks for listening to this crazy person ..... Jin

[RozG]

((((((((Kerry))))))))

you're not a crazy person. you just have so much going on atm. and healing takes bravery and guts but it also hurts. i'm glad you have here to post, just getting it out helps right? hope you carry on posting to help you through.

here for you hun. Love and hugs, roz

[pachyderm]

Jinny

Thankyou so much Roz ..... sometimes i wish i could have a brain transplant, or just the bits that are all wrong .... keep my good stuff ..... get rid of all the crap ..... mind you, that wouldn't leave me with much

C'est la vie ......... Jin

[Sannah]

Hi Jinny, your experiences have left you with these feelings. Keep working, your new experiences with replace these old feelings. Eventually you will be able to "see" clearer as you throw off all of this old stuff.

Let's hope so because i feel completely ****ed up right now ..... and very confused ....

Kerry

[xylia]

I know that it's hard right now... I get that. How do you improve? How do you trust people? I think [as someone told me once] that trust starts when you let yourself be vunerable again. It's not that simple, I know. It's extremely hard. I certaintly haven't acheived that at all. But new habits and new thoughts will replace old.You just have to take it one step at a time.

((((((((((((((jinny))))))))))))))))

xylia

[mlpHolmes]

Dear Jinnyann ~ I'm sorry you are feeling badly.I have known you a long time & read most of your posts. And you certainly have lead quite a life or "vie". Your Life has been v. difficult, but plz remember you gifts & treasures. Few ppl have effected others so positively, & lovingly the way you have. You are truly a Special Blessing, in every Life You Touch.

[RACEKA]

Jinnyann,

I'm crazy right along with you. How do we recover?

[chaotic13]

Jinny,
I could identify with everything you said in your first post. As for allowing myself to be vulnerable again... I don't know how to do that since... I don't remember being vulnerable or being able to really trust anyone. It is hard to be something you've never been before.

[cajun]

Originally Posted by jinnyann

.... there isso much crap that goes with it . Firstly, i'm speaking for myself here BTW ....... i question EVERYTHING everyone says to me. Are they genuine, am i gullible ...... do they mean it ...... what if they are laughing at me because i am so gullible ..... etc etc

Survivors have had the stuffing knocked out of them emotionally. Personally i have been this way since the abuse started at the grand old age of 8.

I don't/cant take compliments, just feel so unworthy of them and if people dont know the circumstances it is so ungracious. I struggle to believe that anyone truly likes me, let alone loves me, i say this from the heart because my brain refuses to believe it. I am not asking for ay replies saying to the contrary, this is not attention seeking, i am just being honest and felt the need to get it out. I always think people have other motives, i'm suspicious. Then when i have trusted, it takes a lot, i'm let down again, which leads me to believe i should never trust anyone again in my whole life .... but then i wouldn't heal would i .....

It's so darned hard. People say things then their actions just dont match up to what they are saying ..... or is it my own mind that is putting such untrustworthy judgements on everything ..... right now i just want to scream out my frustration.

My brain is totally wired up all wrong and trying to fix it is like having several different coloured balls of wool all entangled with no ends showing.

To think this is going to go on for the forseeable future scares the heck out of me ....... but to go back to 'masking it' is worse .... the eventual outcome is what's keeping me going, i just wish i wasn't so scared of everything and everyone. I wish i could believe what people say and not think they are up to no good .......

sigh .... thanks for listening to this crazy person ..... Jin

((((((((((Jinn))))))))))

[memyself@I]

So tired of second guessing myself and my judgement. Cant trust your own family, who can you trust. People say im more with it and organized than anyone they know, but they dont know how self conscious i am, and how much i stress over decisions. Even simple ones. I constantly replay the scenarios and think of better scenarios. Always think i could have done better. Thanks for your post

[tuliptorn]

[YCATS]

I'm new to these forums and i have to tell you that your thread was like seeing light at the end of what seems to be a very dark tunnel for me right now. I completely feel the same way about your every thought. I have yet to really seek help because for a long time i thought i was just really good at reading people and no one could be trusted. I know find myself completely friendless because i've managed to drive them all away with my suspicious behavior towards them. So i am now starting to realize that "houston we have a problem" lol. It might just be me. So i have decided to seek help and i hope i can one day just trust people without questioning thier every move. Thank you for your thread because i now know i'm not alone and if other people feel the same then it most likely is due to my past experiences and if thats the case i can work on it. Thank you again...ME

dont know why, but i am saying to hell with not trusting ...... i have to start somewhere ..... thevery people who let me down and abandoned me (my parents) and my abuser are winning ..... i have to learn not everyone is the same ..... not everyone will do mean injustice, and those who do don't deserve my friendship anyway .......

DID I JUST SAY THAT?

Dont deserve MY friendship?

That must mean i'm beginning to like myself >>>> good grief .....

For once I am totally speechless ....... this is getting quite exciting actually ...... i even see a change in myself .......

i hope this inspires the people who are inspired by my first post

love and hope ....... KERRY ME

[JxnChosen]

OMG I have said that to myself so many times. Hit a reset switch. Trade lives with someone (who had a better life of course )

Originally Posted by jinnyann

Thankyou so much Roz ..... sometimes i wish i could have a brain transplant, or just the bits that are all wrong .... keep my good stuff ..... get rid of all the crap ..... mind you, that wouldn't leave me with much

C'est la vie ......... Jin

[littlehands]

jinnyann,
You are not crazy, just the opposite you have put expectations on people that they can't live up too, meaning people like us that have been abused, seem to expect it in others, not everyone understands that, except us...I am speaking for myself as well....I would find nice people that seemed to be compassionate and sympathic to my open wounds, I craved their attention. I am sooo sorry you have been hurt.
((((((HUGS))))))

[iamtwilight]

(((jinnyann))) - that is something i could have written myself. and the fact that many others here can relate to what you said proves that you're not crazy - it's the abusers that were/are crazy! they just made us believe we were the problem when that was not true.

i think we are all worthy of the compliments we get. i just wish accepting them didn't take so long...

((((((((((((((((((((iamtwilight)))))))))))))))))))

thankyou for replying, i hear you hugs, Jinny x