[forgotton_momento]

ive known for years i haven't had a good life, i've lived it and you couldnt live it without noticing, but its only been fairly recently i've accepted, the neglect, the emotional manipulation, control freakness and the hitting, and pain inducing and screaming and chasing and general fear rendering was abuse. that took a lot for me to accept.. but recently i have realised there is probably more, that the genital eczema, the unusual sexualised behaviour, the nightmares of rape, the feelings, the chronic cystitis, the gastric/**** problems, the fear of certain men, the consequent abusive situations ive been in, the consequent sexual assaults, the dissociation during sex, the pain, everything... its only now im putting it all together..

i feel like ive been so dumb to of denyed it all these years, and suddenly click..

last week i had my first proper intense flashback, it was so huge it hurt, i was soo cold i couldnt breathe, and i felt like i was out of control that someone was hurting metouching me, it all hurt too much, i am now so confused..

i spoke to my sister earlier and she said the sweetest thing.. she said i dont know when or how but i believe you, and i believe it happened..

i know thats not the response most people would give so it meant so much more then anything.

i dont know what will come next, im so scared.. ive seen people go through this before, i've always told them of course i cant understand nothing like that has ever happened to me, its the one thing that hasn't thank god.. but then.. this ..

im terrified

[forgotton_momento]

sorry i dont mean to rant ..

[pachyderm]

Sorry is not necessary. I think we understand. Keep writing.

[Sannah]

I agree with Pachy, keep writing, we are listening.....

[forgotton_momento]

thankyou im finding this all too huge for my head to hold, its consuming me