My mother makes me crazy...

I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was molested by my father from the time I was six until I was sixteen years old.

Today I am 44 years old and ten years is a long time. I have been to counseling on and off over the years but I still have issues and I still hurt. My father was never prosecuted and even today lives with my mother. My only satisfaction is that now he is paralyzed due to an accident, dementia, and several other major health issues. He barely knows whats going on and is confined to bed.

This may sound awful but I'm actually glad he's so sick. I feel like my father died and some strange guy took his place. Most of my immediate family knows what happened but this is never acknowledged. My mother apologized when I was younger but is defensive so we don't talk about it.

My counselor told me once that my mother knew what was going on the whole time because ten years is too long not to know. My mother admits this but claims because our family is large she could not afford to raise us alone. I guess I was the sacrifice.

I have never had any close friends. I used to tell my mom everything you would tell a girlfriend and she would tell everyone else. Anytime I try to get close to someone my mom interferes.

For example:

If a relative comes to town from out of state. She will not call me. Afterward, she will tell me how I missed out and how I should have been there, and how they asked about me.

She will take credit for gifts I give or call me to ask what I will buy for a gift and buy it first or get something similar but more expensive.

She will drive out of town to pick up grandchildren but she will not come to see my son who lives five miles away.

Even if I pay her she will not commit to babysitting my son. She will say yes but wait until the same day and sometimes cancel. My brothers will drop off their children without notice and there is no problem. As a result I rarely ask her to sit.

I could name a million other incidents but this last one really hurt.

I am taking classes to earn a professional license. Financially I am struggling but saved some money so I can go to school full time for one semester. My father is in poor health and my mother has loaned money and spent so much that financially she is also juggling to make ends meet. My mother started calling me to say she needed money very badly and was worried how to pay her bills. Finally, I told her if I could help by moving out from my apartment and stay with her. We could combine expenses and I pay her rent and utilities. I told her I was thinking of moving anyway and we could both benefit. I called her several times to verify if she wanted to do this because I was going to put in my 30 day notice. We even discussed the amount of rent, etc. A week after I put in my 30 day notice, she says another family member is moving in with his wife. Now I have lost my apartment and have only a few weeks to find something else.

I feel like an idiot. I'm so angry but arguing with her about it is useless. I think this time I've finally learned to stop relying on her to be honest but it hurts anyway.

Thanks for letting me vent

((((((((((((((((((Zelev))))))))))))))))))))))))

This story is so like mine it is extraordinary. I'm so sorry you have endured the abuse not only from your father, but the other person who was supposed to protect you ... your mum ..... The only difference in our situations is that it wasn't my dad who aused me, it was ny mothers lover ...

My mum treated me the same ... anything for anyone else, even people she hardly knew, but when it cameto me zilch ... she would also almost never aknowledge anything I bought her, like it was never good enough or expensive enough ,,, I decorate cakes, delicate flowers etc ... I made her a 50th birthday cake, took me a long time ... she hid it at her party and never showed anyone ..... just an example ....

She knew about the abuse .... but was and is in denial about most of it ... she apologised a couple of times but never changed her ways towards me ... I am her only daughter .....

Last year, after going through therapy at last (i am 43) I decided to cut all ties for my own self care .....

Although I miss having a mother figure, I dont miss her narcissistic ways or the constant rejections .... this was my choice ......I truly think they are ashamed and can't handle their own guilt ....

I sincerely hope you find some peace in your life my friend, I am moving on and in the right direction, I will never forgive my abuser but I am learning to cope ..... there is hope, please believe that, unfortunately we will never change or parents and coming to terms with that is so so hard ,... leads to all sorts of abandonment and rejection issues ..... but with good therapy and supportive friends and family we can survive and live a happy, peaceful life....

My love to you and if a positive comes out of this awful negative it is that we survivors are compassionate and understanding of others in the same situation ...... hugs, Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxo

Hi Zelev, I agree with Jinny, your mom probably does all of this to you because of her guilt and shame. I am sorry. You deserved much better. I am glad that you didn't move in. It would not have been good for you. Toxic families are not healthy.

Thank you both. Jinnyann I'm sorry that you had a similar experience but knowing that made me feel better. I have been trying to hold on an image of my mother that doesn't exist.

((((((((((((((((zelev))))))))))))))))

It's so hard sweetie, but it is proably her guilt that puts a wall up .... I am still grieving over my mum, or should I say the 'mum' I always wanted ... but it gets easier ..... and it helps me be everything tomy kids that she wasn't .....

Tc, be happy ..... for you and your kids love, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

Good self-discovery!