[chaotic13]

During my last therapy session I finally attempted to revisit the topic of my childhood abuse. My memory of these events are very fragmented and I frequently get caught up in determining what did and didn't ACTUALLY happen to ME.

At one point during the session my T started using terms that she knows really bother me. I don't know what her intention was but to me it felt like she was attacking me and my memory of the events. When I think about it now, I don't think she was deliberately being mean, but she was being deliberate in her use of these painful words. At one point it felt like she was assuming that it was ME who was actually raped and that I was just denying it or refusing to admit that I remembered or something. I felt like she was trying to antagonize me into either lashing out at her or into admitting that I was actually raped too (which...I don't think I was). I don't know if she was actually pushing me or if I was just feeling pushed. During the session I felt myself get angry and I pushed back with "I honestly do not remember and I am not going to just say or assume that something happened, unless I know for sure that it actually did!"

This week I have been thinking about this session, why I got angry with my T, why I still seem to be struggling with something that may or may not have happened in the past?

It occurred to me that MAYBE I am in some stage of denial. Maybe I am so focused on separating what happened to me from what happened to my friend because I don't want to entertain the idea that “I AM A VICTIM”, "I'm JUST LIKE HER!". For whatever reason I am determined to identify myself as a ... perpetrator, ... a sick evil little kid, ...a willing participant, as someone who was ultimately in complete control over her actions and her little world. Mayber some part of me just cannot accept that the events of the past affected me, that others had the power to take something from me, and that their actions 30 yrs ago may still be affecting me. If I accept that I wasn't in control then, then it calls into question how "in control" I've been since then. Maybe when I tell myself that no one can truly harm me, I'm just lying to myself.

I don't like to consider this possibility. Please provide insight if you've been here before.

[CedarS]

Some ideas:

Maybe it doesn't work for you at this time to describe yourself as a victim. How about survivor?

Sometimes to survive we convince ourselves of all sorts of things that are not true. We did the best we could in the situation at the time.

You were a kid, how then could anything be consensual - you weren't an adult.

One difference between then and now is your age. Just because you were abused when you were a child doesn't mean you aren't able to now be an adult and in control. I'm thinking particularly of this quote from you:

If I accept that I wasn't in control then, then it calls into question how "in control" I've been since then.

There are many types of control too. The abuse of power used to control you as a child is different than your developed skill of self-control now.



You can ask your T what her intent was and let her know what worked and what didn't work for you. Remember you can also change the focus of your therapy. You can slow things down if you need to or ask that work on your past be set aside and the emphasis for now be on current time.

Some of us never know the full details of what happened to us in the past and that can be okay. We have self care skills we need to learn and practice no matter what.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((chaotic))))))))
I'm sorry I don't have any wise words or advice,
but I want to let you know I read your post.
It sounds like your work with your T is productive,
even if it is painful.
Hang in there....

ktgirl

[chaotic13]

Yes I think my last therapy session was effective. I'm just not completely sure in what way. I've been trying to figure out why I became angry towards my T. I think I just didn't want to admit that these experiences have deeply affected me. I don't like the image of myself as a helpless child...I like the evil little bad *** image much better.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I don't like the image of myself as a helpless child...I like the evil little bad *** image much better.

Great self discovery.....