[seeker1950]

The last time I tried to form a romantic relationship was with a man who was a Psych.PhD. I had shared with him my background. He rejected me, pretty brutally, and at one point, said to me, "You were abused," as if that left me unable or unworthy of his affections. It has taken me a very long time to recover from that experience, and during that time, also to condition myself to be content alone. The idea of intimacy or sharing anything of my background is repulsive to me now, though I spent most of my youth and adult womanhood trying to create a loving bond with a man.

Posting about this seems rather embarrassing, but I felt the need to comment about it. I do think there is a stigma associated with being the victim of abuse. I will never share that with another human being.
Patty

Hi Seeker,

It is kinda funny that I discussed this very topic in therapy today. I am also thing that discussing what happened to us in the past with anyone except maybe a T is a bad idea. Most people people really don't want to know and I think that it makes us feel really lonely with the pain of our past. Shame on that Phd, especially if he is a T. But my T said that some friendships can handle that, after they have grown over time, but I wouldn't know myself. But ya, I agree there is a stigma of abuse and if some would only realized how many of those victims that sit next to them everyday, it would shock them.

Originally Posted by seeker1950

The last time I tried to form a romantic relationship was with a man who was a Psych.PhD. I had shared with him my background. He rejected me, pretty brutally, and at one point, said to me, "You were abused," as if that left me unable or unworthy of his affections. It has taken me a very long time to recover from that experience, and during that time, also to condition myself to be content alone. The idea of intimacy or sharing anything of my background is repulsive to me now, though I spent most of my youth and adult womanhood trying to create a loving bond with a man.

Posting about this seems rather embarrassing, but I felt the need to comment about it. I do think there is a stigma associated with being the victim of abuse. I will never share that with another human being.
Patty

[Capp]

Originally Posted by seeker1950

The last time I tried to form a romantic relationship was with a man who was a Psych.PhD. I had shared with him my background. He rejected me, pretty brutally, and at one point, said to me, "You were abused," as if that left me unable or unworthy of his affections. It has taken me a very long time to recover from that experience, and during that time, also to condition myself to be content alone. The idea of intimacy or sharing anything of my background is repulsive to me now, though I spent most of my youth and adult womanhood trying to create a loving bond with a man.

Posting about this seems rather embarrassing, but I felt the need to comment about it. I do think there is a stigma associated with being the victim of abuse. I will never share that with another human being.
Patty

((Patty))
First, I am so sorry that you had to go through this...the man was a rectal orifice even if he is a psychologist, and it sounds like he has more problems than many of us combined.

Jmo, but I think part of the lingering stigma of the abuse is from blaming the victim...that somehow we had control over what happened to us.
Will it change in our life times? Frankly, I don't think so. Perhaps by the time my grandkids are young adults it will have changed and the survivor is no longer blamed for the actions of the abuser.

I am very selective irl about who I tell about the abuse.
It's developed over the years as I've observed the reactions. Trust issue, yes. But it also protects me.

Thank you for commenting on this very real problem.

Cap

[Sannah]

I'm sorry Patty, that guy obviously has some personal growth to do........

[seeker1950]

I actually have only shared my upbringing and the treatment i rec'd from my mother with my one best friend, after many years of friendship. I was married for 20 years and only talked about it to my now ex husband after about 15 years of marriage. I don't know why I felt it was okay to talk about it in this last romance....probably because of his Psych education. No, he's not working in the Psych field, and even said he didn't want to deal with other people's problems. My mistake for sharing. It did take a long time to recover from this, but I'm over it now, don't even think about him or the circumstances any more, except to post about the stigma thing here. Yes, I agree, better not to share this with most acquaintances.
Patty

It is hard to feel rejected when we share such a sensitive thing with someone else. But my T said that as I become closer in friendships, that you can kinda gauge how much the other person can take based on what they disclose to you about their life.

EVERYONE has issues, believe me, and the one's who act like they don't, probably have more than our share.

My husband knows most of the stuff, but after I realized how upset it made him to know some stuff, I didn't disclose everything. I do that in a safe relationship with my T. I do think that any future mate needs to know about your past because it does have an effect on you, especially when having children and dealing with problems that you will eventually need to work through in a marriage . If they know, it will be easier for them to support you.

Don't let that one guy spoil it for you, he was a jerk. But maybe wait a little longer to gauge how safe it is for you to disclose it. Most men who are in love with you , will be supporting to you no matter what you tell them.

[nowheretorun]

(((Patti))) its very sad that this happened and has left an enduring resistance with you to avoid intimacy with others... not all men are like that..... it is the ones who can relate to the suffering of others that i am drawn towards, but that is me, because those who have been abused, have discovered and developed their empath powers and created was of connecting that i find it easiest to connect with... to be on a healing path together is something that cushions our falls and stumbles..

[Lenny]

I am so sorry seeker...Some folks are engulfed by their own view of power...

I give very few people the ruler that measures me...and when I do, I do it knowing that they will probably get it wrong...

In my expereince it generally takes a consistent long term observation of a persons actions that allow even a glimpse into the real person...I can say this because many of my first impressions are worthless...

I will say this though,,,that in my time reading you here and your thoughtfull and compassionate responses to all of us,,,that this poor man saw the wrong end of abuse...it makes us better if we allow it...You are an example of that...

He missed the brass ring...

Lenny

[madisgram]

patty i could really understand where your experiences have taken you. i too have had difficulty in wanting to form a bond with a man after being abused. the good news is that i do realize there are decent people in this world but i still have a protective wall up when it comes to relationships with men. sometimes i miss the companionship,etc. i've dealt with this in therapy too. i've learned the "red flags" to look for in a person who has abusive tendancies and this has helped me immensely to protect myself. the biggest hurdle for me is FEAR of being abused again like that phd did you. that was emotional abuse and hopefully his practice will falter before he affects another person in his personal life or professional. (sorry for the rant but i can't help it)
the solution for me has been to not discuss my abuse issues with very many people. most people don't know how to show compassion or empathy to what's happened to us. i think it scares them that it could happen to them or maybe they are just incapable of reaching out to someone. it is as tho they think we are bad because we were victims of abuse. how twisted is that???!! so having discovered this truth i am very cautious discussing this with most people. when i do reach out it is usually when i suspect someone is going through what i did. yes it's a risk i chose to take revealing my abuse but fortunatly for me i've been able to help others through this risk-taking in hopes they will not have to endure the longevity of abuse i did. that has been rewarding to me in a personal sense. but most importantly i do believe we have to protect ourselves from other people's ignorance of this issue. choosing wisely who we share these intimate experiences is a good solution at least for me.
the healing for us i believe is when we acknowledge to ourselves the shame does not fall on us but on the abuser. that has freed my soul although the scars are still there.

[seeker1950]

Thanks so much to all of you: Exotic, Nowhere, Lenny, and Madisgram,
Madisgram said, "i too have had difficulty in wanting to form a bond with a man after being abused. the good news is that i do realize there are decent people in this world but i still have a protective wall up when it comes to relationships with men. sometimes i miss the companionship,etc.' Hmm...you sound so much like me. I've conditioned myself to be safer alone, to the point that I don't even consider trying to form a relationship, other than casual friendships, and these are mostly with people at my work. I do realize there are decent people out there, but I no longer have the will or energy to search for them.
Love
Patty

[nowheretorun]

((Patti)))) I dont mean to hammer in on you or your peace about connecting and finding joy in life, i only care and it is great to see joy expressed in others eyes.. it deeply saddens me that there are so many who struggle to make connections to kindness in their lives.. i will pray for you if its ok, that you will feel a warmth in your heart in reading the kindly intentioned words of the others here..., to be alone is not healthy for us in any way... you now are connecting here, with us... maybe in time you will feel a hope for something again... i believe we are never too old to know the truths of love... (well, maybe at some point we are that is) there is always a chance for you to connect in emotion with people who care and identify with you.. let it happen over time if you would like, little by little... you are wise and knowing to keep a watchful eye on your sensitive emotions... trust doesnt come easy after wounding.... its ok, many of us understand i'm sure..

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Nowhere...very sweet and kind of you..and all here...to give assurances about finding love. The ways I am finding emotional satisfaction these days include my interactions with my students, with my daughter and twin grandsons when i get to see them, and with a few good friends. This seems the right path for me...which is...free of the chaos of doubt, anxiety and potential hurts.
Interesting, that it is really only within this past four years of solitude that I've realized that my history from childhood is the reason I have been unable to form a successful romantic bond. My choices in men, from youth onward, have been really poor, due, primarily to a very low self-esteem. This last exp with the Psych fella was just the icing on the cake, but I stayed in several long-term relationships much longer than I should have, or that an emotionally healthy woman would have done. It is liberating to finally choose NOT to pursue this.
Love
Patty