[brucey]

Don't really know where to start, this is all new to me. I had a bad time last year and (don't know whether i'm glad or not) but some one found me and helped me when it was nearly too late. I was taken to the doc and then to the cpn, after hours and hours of silence i managed to find my voice. Gradually things started to improve in myself and i could leave the house, speak to my husband and get back in contact with friends but i'm scared the feelings are just lurking. Christmas helped me focus on something and keep busy but now it's over and i'm feeling really lost. I have a future that i can see but why does it all seem so pointless. My life seems to have no reason behind it.
Eventually the childhood issues came out and with talking to the cpn i have linked several things about me and my way of thinking to what happened for those years.
I thought it was helping but i'm feeling so empty and scared. Scared because i don't feel safe any more, i'm day dreaming about hanging myself, i have planned it over and over in my head. But know that i would leave people hurting more than i am now is the only thing stopping me. Also i know it would out my secrets to the world as i'm sure the people i have trusted with my baggage would need to reveal it. I don't know how to deal with this. I try to distract myself with lots of exercise. I have even entered a marathon to give me a focus but i feel like it's doing no good. Don't know how to start talking about this, the cpn and the doc think i'm on the mend but i feel maybe i'm just burying it all again. I thought i would feel like a load was off my shoulders by telling the cpn and that it would help me start to feel better, but i feel no different. Maybe i'm looking for a quick fix, i'm 26 this has gone on for too long. Can anyone help me, i just want a friend, i'm feeling so alone with these thoughts.

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((((brucey))))))))))))))))))))